A Gamer's Guide 305

Uh, that is…

…Sure? Why not? So far, they’ve just been stuck in me, so being able to do something constructive with them doesn’t sound too bad. Though, I’m not sure what assimilation means in this context…

<Attempting assimilation.

Assimilating Shard of divinity 1/3…>

{::w::}

{88w88}

That’s a new face. Uh, everything alright there, Simo—

\{88W88}/

Whaa. Whoa. Whoa.

<Shard of divinity assembled.>

<Shard of divinity assembled.>

<Shard of divinity assembled.>

<Attempting ascension.>

Simon, what are you—

\\{§§W§§}//

\{==w==}/

{::w::}

I, uh… Are you back to normal now? What did you—

<Ascension complete.

Angel Simon has ascended

and gained Archangel status.>

<Hell Challenger Lo Fennrick

will henceforth be recognized as 

a divine entity by the divine framework.>

<Lo Fennrick is hereby granted 

Level 1 clearance.>

<Lo Fennrick is hereby granted 

ruling privileges.>

<Error!

Cannot rule a planet owned by 

another divine being.>

<Attempting to contact God of Multitudes,

ruler of Purgatory…>

<Contact established.>

<[Hello? Um, this is

the Goddess of Slowness,

W—Who am I speaking to?]>

Ah. What? What is… 

“Hello?” I say, straight out. Gecko gives me a weird look.

<[Sorry, um, I think Your connection

might be bad, I—I can’t really hear You…]>

Shoot. That might be bad. I have no idea how to talk to her, though. 

{::w::}/!

<[Ah, w—wait, I just got… Right, okay,

so You’re a newly-ascended God,

and You’re… Wait, but that can’t be right…

S—sorry, I think there might be something

wrong. Your soul appears to be incomplete, so 

You shouldn’t be able to… This is very strange.

Could You hold on for a moment? Thank You.]>

This is really confusing. 

“Kitty, is everything alright?”

“Huh? Uh, I’m… I think it is. Unsure. I’m trying to do something, but…”

<[Alright, I’m back!]>

If I could talk to her, I would love to express the observation that she doesn’t fit her own title whatsoever. 

<[Sorry about the wait. So, if I’m

understanding this correctly… Despite

being a mortal, You have an archangel?

This… shouldn’t be possible. B—but permission

for the angel was granted by a majority, so

there’s nothing wrong there… I guess the issue is

that it shouldn’t be an archangel? But I can’t change that…

And Your soul is incomplete, so You can’t shed Your

physical form… This is problematic. Um, sorry,

but could You tell me what Your domain is?]>

…Domain?

{::~::}?

<[...You don’t have any? I—I see. Right.

Would You like to have one

automatically assigned?]>

Well, I still don’t know what it’s supposed to be, so—

<[Ah, don’t worry, it’s a very simple

process of elimination. All automatic.

To briefly explain… It checks what effect

You’ve had on the mortals around You, 

alongside Your own personality, past deeds,

etcetera, and then runs it against the Domain Database

to find a suitable, non-claimed domain.

Easy, right?]>

I feel a bout of cold sweat run down my back. I—I think I might know what she means by domain. It’s that, right? The goddess of slowness. The god of hunting. The mother of fuck. 

And she wants to give me one based on the feelings I’ve provoked in other people.

Repeated memories of cities ablaze and people screaming pass through my brain.

S—Simon? 

{::w::}/!

Simon, my lovely little lad. I need you to do something for me.

{::w::}?

The lady on the other end… I need you to tell her not to do this. No domain. You see, my beloved child… If she does that… I’ll be stuck with some horrible, unfortunate and droll domain for the rest of my life. I’m assuming all of the big bads like death and torment and telemarketers have already been taken. But there’s always something. And I’ll tell you something, my love, my darling, my friend… 

I do not want to be known as the God of Baby-eating.

{::w::}

{>>w<<}/!

Good! That’s good. Go out there and make me proud, little—

<[Alright, so, since You didn’t respond,

I went ahead and ran the domain assignment.]>

I feel all hope, love and faith drain from my body. Okay. This is it. I was hoping to continue life as some kind of normal person trying to live a normal life like all the other normies out there, but I guess I’m stuck, now. I’ll probably turn out like Pain or Cruelty, being obsessed with my one, single worst trait. Will it be cannibalism? Technically speaking, I haven’t eaten that many humans, so it might not count. Or maybe it’ll be more abstract, like—

<[I’m afraid I won’t be able to change

it if You feel unhappy with the domain,

it’s sort of a fact-of-existence thing, but…

Since it’s determined now, I’ll be referring 

to You by Your proper title from now on,

God of Hope.]>

I blink. I blink again. Then, I blink a third time, for the heck of it.

As a final measure, I remove Simon from my eye, rub him with my napkin, and stick him back in my eye. I blink a fourth time.

Yep. That’s what she said.

What the f—

<[Since all of that’s cleared up,

I’ll be processing Your request

of ruling. Hmm… Well, unfortunately,

I can’t allow You to rule the planet.

Ignoring the lack of divinity and soul,

this planet is owned by the God of Multitudes,

formerly the God of Curiosity. However…

Under paragraph C, column 6921, line four,

visiting Gods doing so with the permission

of the current ruling God are allowed to

exhibit a fifty-seventh of their ordinary 

sphere of reign. Further permission can

be granted if necessary, but requires a discussion, and…

some tea? Does it really say that? Oh, yeah, it does.

Who wrote this thing…?]>

I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what’s happening. I’m scared and I want to go home.

<[Well, anyways… I think that clears things up.]>

It really doesn’t.

<[If You have any further questions,

please direct them to the God of Harvest,

at P-77, 0899, HARV-4910.]>

I do, but I won’t. 

<[Thank You for visiting Purgatory.

I hope You have a pleasant eternity,

God of Hope!]>

The message goes away. I bury my face in my hands. What the hell just happened?

{´::m::`};;

No, don’t… Come on, Simon. Don’t look at me like that. I know it wasn’t your fault, and I’m not mad. I’m just…

I look up. A deer demon has teleported in front of my face.

Hunter’s double-mouthed face stares at me. “Well, would you look at that?” He grins, both noses huffing up a snort. “You went and ascended!”