blogpost ramblings 5/28

heellloo, I hope you're enjoying your day 💙

I'm back to talk your ear off a bit~

I didn't want to speak too much so I'm saving the bulk of it for here lol >~< While I'm doing a bit better, I think this break is a good idea to really make sure and solidify my health. I want to make sure I can properly stream and give you the best content I can!

So I've been working on future plans, organizing things, staying healthy...there's still lots for me to do so it's not an exact vacation or anything lol...maybe that's just me tho, always looking for ways to be productive :3 I get restless about this stuff...Perhaps I'm a bit overly ambitious, but I do get scared about things tbh...

I've been trying to work out every day and do longer sessions too! It feels nice but uuuu takes so much time especially when you add in the shower afterwards...but I guess that's normal huh? Today I'm actually feeling quite sore so I think I'll do a stretching routine and call it for now 😝

One other thing I hope I can do is establish more connections, maybe plan some collabs...Unfortunately pengoons I am hopelessly autistic 😩I have never been good at making friends...I remember in 3rd grade, I essentially got adopted by some girl and her friend into their friend group because the teacher forced us to work together (I was a new kid who just moved), and we found out that we both liked Pokemon so it kind of stuck lol. I was friends with her and bunch of other people that got into the group throughout all of high school. After that though, going to my own separate university...while I got some connections and got into a friend group pretty much just because of the COVID situation that made everyone go online into discord servers for our class, I was never someone people really approached. I guess I just have that vibe ahaha? 😅 Shy, awkward, keeps to herself, hard to approach...

I have found it even more difficult in the vtubing world where it seems like everyone already has their established friend groups. Every "creator server" I join has so many people and also nobody cares to really use it so it's just a dead end. People you try to approach can ignore you for reasons you don't know. You're scared that people will judge you and secretly dislike you because of the content you make, or because you're a "lolipop", or whatever. It's hard to navigate conversations with new people and establish an actual connection. What do you talk about? I'm trying to engage and hang out but they're not really responding well? I think this is all just similar to general "growing up" or "adulting" pains in this day and age where everyone is busy, nobody has time for anyone, people don't want to waste their time with someone new or bring their guard down, scared of failure...but there's an added layer with content creation because then everything is also "business". Do you treat it purely as a transactional relationship, or do you try to legitimately become friends? Something in between? Does this person really like you or are they just saying that because they want something? How much are you allowed to acknowledge all of this dancing around?

I'm not saying this to "complain" or something, I understand this is how it all is, but it feels so difficult because I have such a hard time understanding these social situations. What is the right and wrong thing to do? That's what I mean by autistic haha, I just...don't get it. Maybe I can come off as rude to someone but to me I'm just doing what I think is logical and works for me. I take things literally when they might actually have some 2nd meaning. Makes it even scarier to communicate, gets a bit paralyzing thinking forever of the right thing to say because I'm not sure if I'd say something "bad" accidentally, that it ends up feeling way easier to just not bother in the first place 😭But I know that's not a good mindset, I'll never learn if I don't try!

For the longest time, I have surrounded myself with work and projects and such to avoid communication. I know I'm not good at it, so I'll focus on what I AM good at - making more videos, doing more streams, hanging out with my pengoons...but I am coming to understand that these connections, relationships with other creators, are very important and a crucial step if I really want to get anywhere in this business (though not STRICTLY necessary, would just be a lot harder). Not to say that it's PURELY business motivated, it would be nice to have people to talk to who understand this whole thing as well and casually play games with too maybe...>.< I'm usually someone who keeps to myself, so I've always been fine with just dealing with everything on my own but....yeah! Doing this alone, vs having colleagues where you both mutually benefit, seem like a worlds of difference.

SO, I want to get better, one of my goals for this break period is to set up collabs and establish relationship(s)!! Hopefully...

Alright I didn't mean to talk about that for so long haha but...maybe it's relateable for you as well? Cheer me on too okay ;;

Anyways here take this cute picture so it's less depressing