The Marshmallow Ranch Gazette

Volume 5, Issue 13 - Monday, May 4th, 2020

Howdy, patrons!

I sincerely hope you're all riding out this pandemic reasonably well. It's stressful enough being under a shelter-in-place order; dealing with a dysfunctional family situation, or an abusive job environment, or serious physical or mental ailments would be enough to make a difficult situation nightmarish. I hope if you have the space you're looking after each other as well as you can. It's times like these that communities really pull through for the people within them.

We're hunkered down fairly well here at the Ranch. My husband and I have settled into a comfortable routine, and we're both lucky enough to have jobs that are as stable as they get around these parts. We both work from home, so the only thing to really worry about is...how to get some of the staples we're used to being always available in stores. I feel exceedingly lucky, even though the day job is pretty taxing in its own way these days.

I won't get deep into it, but between the job, my heightened anxiety about the state of the world, and a low-level, ever-present guilt that I'm not doing enough given my relatively stable situation, I feel exhausted most of the time. After work, I want nothing more than to sit down with something simple and turn off my brain. On the weekends, what I most look forward to doing is being able to vegetate all day instead of just an hour or two in the evenings. If left to my own devices, I'm pretty sure I would have become an unfocused and depressive mess by now. 

It really is through the strength and companionship of my husband that I'm doing half so well. Even still, it's near impossible to build a consistently productive practice these days. I've been writing in fits and starts, a day or two of good work punctuating long days of wordless drought. When I try to build a routine I manage a few days before my energy craters and I just don't have it in me to do more than what I have to in order to make it through the day.

This sounds like I'm depressed, and I suppose in a way I am. I'm grateful for all of the advantages I have, but it's hard to feel like I've failed at life as an individual and we've failed at life as a society. There are constant reminders of that failure in the suffering that's become impossible to avoid; what am I doing to ease that suffering, and why are we in a civilization that allows this suffering to exist in the first place? When I see news reports of people defying social-distancing orders to party at a beach, or armed gunmen storming a state capitol building, or people landing in the hospital after taking the off-handed advice of the President of the United States, I have to wonder how we got here, and how we've lasted as long as we have. It's hard to be engaged in the world and not be grieving for it, all of the time. 

It's really hard to write a porn story about corporate power in this environment. But the structure of the practice, and the opportunity to channel my anxieties towards a positive creative outlet, is something I desperately need to build my resilience. If I'm put together enough to consistently do the things that I love doing, and that are good for me, maybe I can be put together enough to do my small part to make this bleak situation a little better.

At the end of the day, that's what I want more than anything. I wish I had enough energy and organization to try to make things better. But right now? I have just enough to keep me from circling the edge of despair. 

I realize this is a bummer of an update. Sorry about that! I am working at being more consistent, and I hope to have TWO episodes of Crushing The Competition this week on Wednesday and Friday. Wish me luck, folks, and take care.

-Jakebe