what's been on my mind

a few days ago i had an extremely awful experience with a commissioner. he was extremely rude and hostile and just unnecessarily maliciously mean saying stuff like hes disappointed in what he paid and that my art isnt worth as much as i sell it for even laughing at me when i state how much a past piece i did for him would of been if i charged appropriately. this experience kind of made me never want to draw for anyone again. it was extremely awful. but i know i cant make money unless im doing commissions. so ill just try to do what i can for now and maybe safe enough to offer refunds for those i dont know that well.

IF I OWE YOU A COMMISSION: if we are close friends then dont worry about this, it has nothing to do with you. im fine drawing for friends its more people who are.. like that guy that i just dont know and are really manic and scary to interact with. but if we arent friends and i owe you something, the key is communication. you are always welcome to come talk to me about it. you paid for something and you deserve at least an update on the situation. 

ive been thinking alot about my future as an artist here in the fandom and honestly its not looking too bright. please dont think im talking about you but its more like.. the whole fandom then just people who follow me. ive never felt welcome in the fandom in the slightest. from the beginning i never had any friends to stick to and i had a lot of terrible experiences with my idols that made me a very bitter difficult person, kind of amplifying the situation endlessly. not to mention that through all of this i was mis medicated and what i was given was actually enhancing my condition and mental state by constant migraines, nausea, sicks, and just a chemical imbalance that made me manic. i dont think its only the furry fandom i think its more just an internet as a whole that the outspoken nobody always wins. i havent done anything "cancel-able" the worst ive done is just come off as  a difficult asshole and a manic person, but man oh man are people hungry vultures haha. this more talking about me like years ago, mainly before march 2020 when i made a big change to my life. but regardless my point is that ive never felt.. a warm welcome in this fandom. ive only felt fucked with manipulated and just harassed for fun just because i have an account with a big following. im not a part of any furry bara groupie circles, i dont know anyone and im always very lonely. thats why i posted my telegram inviting people to talk to me all the time, no one who has friends or a healthy group of friends does that. all ive had in this fandom is groups of people who act like my friend and shit talk me and just.. enjoy kicking me when im down. ive never had anyone i could rely on. i constantly have had this narcissistic sociopaths that just.. get a fucking kick out of antagonizing me because of bad run ins ive had with other big people. everyones a shit talker and honestly its always felt like i need to have my gaurd up. im kind of happy that lately i just dont feel the need to talk to people. its been easier for me to just leave people on read and not talk if i dont feel like it and that was something i couldnt do even a month ago because of how bad me being lonely felt. like any terrible person was better then myself alone. and thats not to say everyone ive met has been awful, ive met alot of wonderful great sweet amazing people. its why i kept trying. its why i still have my door open because im bitter but not that bitter. im not an easy person to talk to. i always sound annoyed and upset. and im kind of like a mirror with my personality, i change the way i act depending on who im talking to and how they talk to me. i dont live a glamorous life. i dont have a lot of money and i dont have a lot of great connections. i understand the human nature to want to take the piss out on a big figure just because they feel powerful and unharmable. but like, i dont.. have anything to begin with. so having this hostility of people two facing me and constantly going back and forth between being really sweet to genuine malicious evil people is scary and sad. I dont need therapy. i dont need people patting me on the back because at this point that feels like a threat with what ive gone through. im happy that i feel myself growing more distant in the fandom but i hope my art is good enough for me to be desired wanted and missed when im alot more quiet. im gonna try my best to make money to be able to refund commissions i dont feel comfortable doing and ill just sail with this ship till it goes down burning violently. i want to find my passion for this art again. and i want to feel safe and happy again. i havent felt that for a very long time but its something i aspire to. thank you for supporting me when i havent been providing much content. ill try to draw for you when i have the strength to. if it wasnt for this patreon and the persistent support, i would of left the fandom by now. so thank you. you are the closest thing i feel to safe.