Bahamut's Light Chapter 22
Added 2022-08-26 19:51:14 +0000 UTCIn which the trial continues, Alonso has to make a decision.
Comments
O and i like how Veledar then perches himself on top of the walls to look down like how DND dragons do on mountains XD
Cryodrake
2022-09-03 00:17:27 +0000 UTCWhen eyes fell upon her she squirmed (needs comma between her and she) “Nivra, these are damning. The orders are signed by your very hand. Orders for fleets of your ships to descend upon us once we’re ripe for the picking. That this one ship, manned by assistance would be the foothold in which to launch your continued attacks against our character.” (compared to what, i could wipe out a piece of paper and sign a name on it and say a ha see they signed it. They need something to compare it too, maybe a letter Nivra wrote to a person in Struport or maybe compare it too Nivras writing in her mage book. It adds more authenticity to the order.) “Come now lad, you’ve got to admit that sounds fairly farfetched. Next you’ll tell me they start singing their enemy to sleep!” (word was angry but dont know why so double check this) “This isn’t one assassin Arcturus. This would be numerous noble households, having to do a thorough inspection of every soul to ensure these golden claws don’t sink another claw into my country.” (needs minor rewording like, This could be numerous noble households for all we know. We have to do a thorough inspection of every soul and their dealings to ensure these golden claws don't sink a single claw further into my country.") “True, but I don’t think the lad would lie.”Halmick (need space here after name) Tell us, are these documents accurate? (how would he know? XD He could say before the raid he's never seen them in his life before and that was the truth. That would technically neither prove nor disprove the documents. There needs to be a link to Arcturus somehow, away to show he was given these documents or knew of plans to get these documents.) not to even consider it’s aid. (its) All eyes fell upon the red faced councilmember, his deception revealed before them all. Red faced, he denied it, fire flaring to life behind his eyes. (used red faced twice) To think of all the mad things that could plop out of this one’s maw. (Steven is a human right? If yes then mouth would be a better term) So they wish it, here we are. (needs slight rewording, i get what you are trying to say but the wording just needs to be tuned up. Something like, they wished us here and here we are. simple as that sir Alonso.) Spirit be willing but the body be sore. (willing, but) He went to move to disarm the knight but Alonso warded him away. (knight, but) They have blood of our peoples on our hands (the lumarians put the blood of the drenadarians on the guards hands? x3 I think you meant to say, on their hands, also people instead of peoples) weapon held ever steady as he began typing the man to his chair (O no not the type writer of doom XD. Tying instead of typing) But they didn’t only snapping their teeth at him, insisting that he be silent. (doesnt make sense, needs rewording. Snapped their teeth, snarled their teeth?) , lingering on the scars and signs of numerous battles. (would cleric healing magic allow scars? I suppose if they aren't hurting or disabling then the clerics could probably leave them on) mate without growing tired if so, you wish (random comma) Is that what the guardians that the dragon Ramakox founded (wait he abandoned that name but that doesn't mean he gave it out does it? Unless since he no longer goes by that then i guess its not his name so what does it matter than who knows it?) their number forced to retreat into the fortress. (numbers) way to battle, but were (remove comma) rested his gun upon skywing. (Skywing) Unafraid, the gryphon stared into the eyes of the weary knight, he’d not be subdued. “There is a special place in the hells for you.” (technically Hades as hell is a separate place) “We should have done this when you all arrived. It would have spared the lives of so many of our brethren.” Unafraid, the gryphon stared into the eyes of the weary knight, he’d not be subdued. “There is a special place in the hells for you.” (swap these two around and add something like, the man pulled the hammer back on his gun with a click as Skywing prepared for what awaited him in the beyond of Parunga. A flash of light and bang came from the pistol. Skywing flinched and yet, he was somehow alive. A second had but passed as he saw the commanders pistol fall to the ground muzzle smoking along with the arrow that had knocked the pistol out of the way of his head.) (Then continue on with Veledar arriving and add a comment from Merlia or someone on the shot she just did.) (Or at least have the dragon roar to distract the commander before they get burned) “Should we not help your friends?” “Sure, they’re fine. Besides, I was to rescue and protect all of you.” (did you mean nah, they're fine?) mother than so be it. (then) Dealing with the guards was intense, i was on the edge of my chair as i read this, i also like the lore pieces you dropped as well with Parunga. This was a very good chapter.
Cryodrake
2022-09-02 22:28:35 +0000 UTC
