Emperor's Shadow: Chapter 19
Added 2022-01-22 03:35:46 +0000 UTCWhere Lyndis and company go into the Uniter...Things are...Different than what Cordenth found.
Opinions on this one please, need to know if it needs more detail. If you're confused or not.
Comments
It was built like the war construct brothers they’d seen before, a pulsating mana crystal at it’s core, fueling the mechanical abomination of gears and wires. Second read through, just did a second read through and you call the mechs brothers which I find odd in terms of nonsentient machines, I suggest replacing it with another term like squad or unit. Also while Lyndis is fighting she seems to pierce metal fairly easily for just someone with average strength, so unless their made from aluminum I suggest mentioning how she enchanted her sword for better armor penetration. You also keep swapping back and forty between infinite name and title, I suggest sticking to one or the other for clarity sake or if you do swap at times keep it to a minimum. “I’m sure he came down this way, even if his scent was faint, it was here!” I think you meant he was here. These things might be bloody numerous, but they’re utter shite! I feel like you should say the positive first then the negative to emphasize the urgency of the situation. There was power in their air, magic, this place was not dead, simply waiting to be awoken. I think you meant the air instead of their air. Their can work but it feels odd because most of the time people just sat the air. Eyes widened, had the Lumarians not built this place? Again odd they say twice that lumaria didn't build the castle, I suggest changing to something like, Lyndis then remembered that this was potentially a dragon castle so of course nothing will be at mortal height. Looking higher it didn't take long to find what she was looking for. Also the runes part feels fragmentated and odd, Lyndis finds runes, starts having a conversation with Lyyreth about infinity but then she gets after him for not being focused? When the pass code device appears I would give it more description and make it appear more lumarian because right now it appears like it's apart of the place but yet Lyndis says it's not and was made by lumaria. “I can’t give u, not now.” typo on up.
Cryodrake
2022-01-29 17:18:35 +0000 UTCNeed to describe the constructs more in detail, currently theres only a description of the weapons and thats it. Found it slightly odd they had to acknowledge the castle might not be built my lumaria twice, though that can be fixed by having them suggest it the first time and then during the second time they then are pretty sure its not lumarian based. O and one odd thought that occurred to me was how easy lyndis was killing the mechs, they're made out of iron or steel and yet she seems to easily kill them, i might suggest her sword is enchanted to allow her to more easily penetrate armor because i highly doubt you can cut through iron easily.
Cryodrake
2022-01-24 01:16:14 +0000 UTC
