Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 61: Red Tape

Richard was extra drippy.

“Alright, I found your slug. I’m going to head out.” Liv walked away, her hips swaying in her leather lace-up pants. A large part of me wanted to follow. Instead, I turned to my slug.

"Have a good time?" I asked Richard.

I did. That was a superior bathing facility. My sarcasm was lost on him.

"Welcome to the — Oh, it's you." The guild clerk's curiosity cut off abruptly. "The green room is open." He went back to his paperwork, studiously ignoring us.

"What door do we need to walk through to log a new dungeon?" Tandy asked quietly, arms crossed.

The clerk didn't bother raising his head. He just laughed.

"You and what army?" He dismissed us before we could even lay a claim. Tandy inhaled, ready to argue, but I had an idea.

"Andrew Ashborn, the famous [Wayfinder]." I took a gamble.

The man sat back, his chair creaking under his weight.

"You teamed up with Andrew, huh? Show me your [Party]," he commanded.

Tandy acquiesced, and I prayed Andrew hadn't dropped out of the party.

"Green door, if you come back with him, I'll let you through to red. You can talk to Monka about your so-called dungeon."

He returned to his paperwork. The ass.

We went downstairs to find the room full of wannabe [Adventurers]. I reworked my estimation of the first group of grungy rat tail collectors. They'd at least done some work. The crowd today was pristine. I doubt they'd stepped out of the walls or into the sewers once. They had well-greased unused swords, and their tunics were unstained.

Even I, a glorified slug locomotion apparatus, puffed up my chest feeling superior. The heavily-mustached barkeep eyed us as he served a customer. Tandy marched right up to the quest window.

"Are you here to turn in your quests?" The clerk behind the counter asked sweetly, dipping her book lower. I got the impression that very few [Adventurers] in the green room ever turned in quests.

"Uh, no," Tandy said, put off balance by the question.

"Well, I cannot issue you new quests until you've completed at least one of the two I gave you earlier." The clerk raised her book, A Stallion's Quest, promptly dismissing us.

Tandy looked ready to lunge through the barrier and strangle the woman on the spot.

I intervened.

"Monka, right? I had two queries unrelated to our quests that I was wondering if you could help us with."

She sighed, putting her corset buster book down and eyed me.

"That's what I'm here for, to teach young [Adventurers] the rules of adventuring. How can I help?" Her sarcasm was so thick that I wondered if she was related to Richard.

"Okay, well has the paperwork come through for [Your Mom's Party] yet? Are we [Sworn Adventurers] now?" I asked.

She gave me a thin smile, which I immediately took to mean no.

Before she could insult me with her response, I jumped to my real question, "Do we need to be [Sworn Adventurers] to log a dungeon in Eddie's Mill?"

"Tell me more about this dungeon in Eddie's Mill," Monka said, opening up a notebook.

Don't tell her another word until she agrees to log it.

Tandy moved forward as if she were going to talk, but I held up a hand signaling her to stop.

"How about we log this under [Your Mom's Party] first, then I can give you the details?"

Monka looked up, grinning as she closed her notebook, putting her pen down.

"Fine. The answer is no; [Sworn Adventurers] cannot log a dungeon as you are not yet part of the Adventurer’s Guild. The likelihood of a [Sworn Adventurer] finding a dungeon in Eddie's Mill is about as high as that slug on your shoulders being sentient. Good day, I think we're done here." She looked over at the bartender. "Gus, I'm taking 15 minutes, okay?"

Before I could say another word, she slid a curtain across the window, effectively ending the conversation.

"Well, that could have gone better." Meredeath was ever so helpful with her commentary.

"I guess we need Andrew. It's the only way they're going to believe us." It was hard not to see this as a setback. We were going to have to trek all the way back out to the orphanage... but then I realized that wasn't such a bad idea.

"I could just show them my invitation to the Hunt," Leo suggested.

"Nope, let's get Andrew. He can vouch for us as [Adventurers] too. I bet we'll be [Marked Adventurers] by the end of the day." We marched back up the stairs, not waiting for Tandy's opinion. I was going to take the entire crew to the orphanage. Leo and Meredeath would have a hard time ignoring their need if they saw it in person.

The walk was uneventful, but the arrival at the orphanage was everything I'd hoped.

"The Master of Mush!" Rust yelled, running out from under a tent. For once in my life, I didn't cringe at the title.

"Hey, Rust! Are Andrew and Eryn around?"

Leo and Meredeath looked wide-eyed at the canvas strewn about the front garden. Little pairs of eyes peeked out. It was easy to dismiss a situation you hadn't seen for yourself.

As we explained the situation to Andrew, he agreed readily to accompany us to the Adventurer's Guild.

It was Leo who pulled us up short.

"How about we go tomorrow? I think if Meredeath would get a few things from the market for us, there are a few things I could fix up." My tall friend squinted at the sagging soffit. "Do you have any tools or supplies like nails?"

Tandy looked at me, and I smiled. We'd cracked through. It'd been the first glimpse of the old Leo I'd had in a long time.

"Guess that means I need to get working in the kitchen," I chimed in, not missing the grateful smile from Eryn. "Come on, Rust. Let me teach you how to really clean a kitchen."

It felt good to be in a kitchen. Richard was amiable for once, using his [Clean] skill generously. After we finished cleaning, we were ready to start dinner, and I convinced Meredeath to use money from our purse to buy extra ingredients. They were going to have a robust stew tonight with homemade biscuits if I could time it all right.

I seared the meat, having Rust chase the salivating children from the kitchen. With a liberal application of pepper and a bubbling pot of carrots, parsnips, and potatoes, I pulled off a feast. The [System] must have been feeling generous, because I earned back one of my prized skills.

[You have gained the skill [Steady Temperature]. This skill aligns with [Adventurer]. You have an increased ability to control the temperature of any substance within your direct control.]

I went to bed that night with a smile on my face.

The next day, Andrew met us in front of the Adventurer's Guild. He wore his adventuring gear: scale mail over a tunic, a blue bandana, and his black ax strapped to his back. With a grin, he entered the building, smiling at the clerk.

"So, Kile, I hear we've been having problems with a new [Adventuring Party]?" He set his trap perfectly as we waited outside. He'd told us to follow him thirty seconds behind.

"Yeah, these idiots were throwing around your name yesterday--" Kile paused as we walked in behind Andrew. I didn't bother suppressing my grin.

"I see. You're talking about my [Adventuring Party], [Your Mom's Party]?" Andrew did a good job holding a straight face as the clerk floundered. Posturing in front of Andrew is a losing proposition, and I'll give him credit that he didn't bother trying. Instead, he waved us through to the red door as promised.

This door opened up onto a much more sophisticated space. It wasn't just a holding tank for hungry [Adventurers]. Instead, a small wooden greeting station sat empty, with a wait to be seated sign dangling. Tables sat empty in a common area. Surrounding the space were a door that looked like it led to a kitchen, a wall full of pinned quest cards, and what looked to be a closed shop with many armor, weapons, and other adventuring gear on display.

"Yeah, this looks about right. Now you guys know why I never come here." Andrew sounded tired. "Give it a minute, and Monka should pop up."

Sure enough, within a few minutes the clerk from downstairs walked in from the kitchen. There must have been a hidden servant’s staircase.

"So they are your friends after all? Talk about a plot twist!" Monka addressed Andrew, not bothering with an apology.

"Yep, the real deal. Can you open up the shop, and give us a consultation? We've got a few things to straighten out with the Guild." Andrew was all business.

Monka bobbed her head, leading us to a large table that looked more at home in some business suite. She sat us along one side, while she cranked up the iron curtain from the store.

"Is it okay if we do the business first? I've got a bunch of kids downstairs, and they'll get rowdy if it's only Randi down there." Monka sounded more like an exhausted professional, than the asinine bureaucrat we'd encountered yesterday.

"Sure," Andrew affirmed.

Today, Monka had used a wire headband to push her brown locks out of her face. She’d thrown on a formal Adventurer’s Guild uniform. Brass buttons sat neatly on her wrinkled vest. This was a sad show for the red door “official” [Adventurers].

She folded her hands in front of her, over an official-looking notebook.

"How can I help you today?" Her words were neat, trimmed of all emotion and opinion. The type of voice anyone working in customer service develops after years of practice.

"I have two official requests and a favor," Andrew began. "First, I would like to officially vouch for Leo, Tandy, Cole, Meredeath, and Richard as [Marked Adventurers]."

Monka nodded, looking from person to person before frowning.

"Who's the fifth member?"

"Richard, the [Fanged] banana slug." Andrew said calmly.

Can't an [Immortal] get any respect these days? I need a statue, Cole. A hundred statues. No, a thousand.

I hid my smile, imagining a city full of tiny little banana slug statues. One for every home.

"Of course," Monka opened her notebook, taking notes. "A [Pet]?"

I am not a [Pe—

"[Animal Companion]," I corrected her.

I’m an [Immortal]! Have her put down [Immortal]!

I gave Monka a polite smile, gritting my teeth as Richard railed against the fates that put him at the administrative mercy of a backwater hick.

"And, Andrew, you witnessed the passage of their [Trial Dungeon]?" Monka's pen sat waiting over her notes as she lifted her eyes to him.

"No," Andrew said. My heart dropped. Were we going to be held up by more red tape? "But I'd be willing to swear on my rank that I have firsthand witnessed acts of [Adventurers] that someone of a [Sworn] status could not complete. This group has passed their [Trial] and received full [System] classes and rewards."

Monka nodded, as though expecting his reply. Her pen scratched in the notebook.

"Very well, I'll lodge this with the central office." She looked at Tandy as though prepared for an argument. “Without the administrator from the Northeast Mountain District weighing in, it will still take a couple of days for them to formally approve this status change.”

"That may be a problem." Andrew forestalled Tandy's objections. "My second request is to log a new dungeon in Eddie's Mill and give the founder's credit to [Your Mom's Party]. If I understand the bylaws, however, that won't be possible until they're formally recognized as [Marked]."

Monka's eyes widened. "So, it's true?"

Andrew nodded.

Her pen sat above the book, ink pooling on the tip.

"What does it mean to have a dungeon attributed to the party?" I jumped in, sensing this was my moment.

"Having a dungeon attribution fulfills one of the requirements when seeking the next tier of [Adventurer] rank. There are also monetary fees collected by the Guild for monitoring those wishing to delve into the dungeon." Monka sounded as though she was mechanically quoting some [Adventurer's] rulebook. Maybe she was. "I expect the collected fees to be hefty, since this is the first new dungeon in our district in a hundred years. It could revitalize the Eddie's Mill Adventurer’s Guild."

The [System] had given me Faction Points, and I was pretty sure the Guild had nothing to do with assigning a [Hero] class, so I boldly continued.

"Is there any issue in attributing the discovery to Andrew? I'm assuming, Andrew, all monetary benefits would go to the Ashborn Orphanage?"

Even if my party had a complaint with the solution, no one from the [Party] would speak up against the grinning [Wayfinder] with tears in his eyes.

[Skill Upgraded: [Heartbeat] is upgraded to [Heart]. Not only are you the heartbeat of your team, but your empathetic nature extends to the world around you. Warning: you are more susceptible to seeing what you want to see in people, friend and stranger alike. This skill is passive.]

“Now we just have to take on the Ceaparian Drift Hunt,” I muttered, self-satisfied.

And solve Leo’s emo issues. Oh, and find some marble for my statues. Do you think the children would make good stonemasons?