SO, I'M DEALING WITH SOME THINGS...

I’ve probably let a lot of my life leak through to blog posts, and videos or podcasts, in recent months. It’s something I wish I could keep contained, but the fact is that we’ve been putting out our content while dealing with a lot. Sanja and I laugh when we bring it up, but we’ve not really had a lot to laugh about of late.

I’ve always tried to be honest and open with all of you, and I’ve often found it helpful to write about things that have been bothering me. So… while on one hand I think I try to keep my private life private up to a point… I also believe it paints a false picture to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. We all have struggles. We all have times in life where things go pear-shaped. We’re no different.

Generally, I’m lucky. Apart from a couple of blips here and there – it’s unavoidable in life - I’ve never really suffered from anxiety. Recently, though, it has taken a hold on me, after what have been two incredibly tough years. Consequently, it takes very little to trigger my fight or flight at the moment. 

So here’s the definitive story of how I got here… Brace yourselves. This’ll probably be an epic.

Up until the start of 2020, I haven’t been without work since I began my TV writing career. I’ve worked incredibly hard, I’ve been successful, I’ve won awards. We’ve managed to keep a roof over our heads. Yes, I’ve been freelance… but I’ve worked flat-out to mitigate the risks that come with freelancing.

Some of this you might know, but things started to go a bit wrong when Covid first hit, and I lost tens of thousands of pounds of expected income literally overnight. I had one show postponed by 18 months, and another cancelled outright. Up until March 2020, we’d been expecting the money from those two projects to be my earnings for that year. Thankfully, we’d put some aside after a couple of decent years of work, which carried us through… more or less until the end of last year.

Which was just as well, because the work that had always been there for me simply didn’t re-emerge once the TV industry opened back up.

It was a mix of things. Covid led to a backlog of projects due to film, which meant broadcasters weren’t commissioning new shows. At the end of last year it looked as if my kids series Almost Never was going to get a new series… then CBBC abruptly changed its commissioning policy, requiring independent production companies to stump up 70% of the budget (previously, they’d only been expected to put in 30%). With shows also now costing 30% more than they had due to Covid protocols, that… put the nail in that coffin apparently. It isn’t fully dead, but we’re running out of options in terms of getting it recommissioned.

Because we’d been working towards that show returning – and all signs were positive during 2021 that it would – I hadn’t really tried to get other work. Last year I had Digi Live to put on, and then we were lucky enough to do the Digi Level 2 crowdfunder, but everything from those tends to get ploughed back into the production. They, and the Digi channel, kept me busy while I waited for the expected work to come back. But it didn’t.

I’ve recently written one ep of a CBBC show, and I had another project in development with an independent producer. When I finally did make a real effort to get on shows as a writer-for-hire, I got told that my experience, age, etc. counted against me.

Thank god for all of you and your ongoing support. I honestly don’t know how we would’ve survived without Patreon. Thank you.

Anyhow, while all this was happening, our financial safety net was evaporating, and with none of the promised commissions bearing fruit, Sanja and I began to go into the red.

And then the bombshell hit which sort of tipped me over the edge. In short: a few weeks ago, my accountant contacted me to tell me I owed over £100,000 in tax.

That was among the worst few days of my life, even though at the back of my head I was telling myself that he must’ve made a mistake. Turned out he had. A BIG mistake, and I’ve still no idea how the hell he somehow added up years’ worth of tax bills, and assumed I’d never paid them. Thank Christ what I do owe is nowhere near that amount, and he’s working on resubmitting my past two years’ of tax to reduce what remains outstanding.

But that sudden shock, I think – even though it was proven wrong – was the final straw for me in terms of cranking up my stress and anxiety to maximum levels.

I’ve worked very, very hard in the past year to develop new projects. Some of these are floating around the industry now. I’ve loved writing them – they’ve probably reignited my passion for writing, in fact – but spec ideas and development is a painfully slow process… and rarely is it paid. And right now, I’m just… waiting… and considering whether applying for a ‘proper’ job is an option I should be pursuing.

But at my age, after more than 20 years working as a TV writer, I’m not sure what I can do. That is what I do, when I’m given the chance.

Alongside all this money worry, we’ve had enormous family stress. I won’t go into the full details of it, but my parents have been struggling, physically and emotionally. They’re both very old, neither is well, and they have become full-time demands for my sisters and I. I’m essentially on edge constantly waiting for the phone to ring because there’s another emergency. Some weeks it’s every day. Sometimes it’s the middle of the night. This has been going on for about 18 months, and working from home means I tend to be the one who’s on constant call. Even before we started to worry about money, I was starting to get anxiety from dealing with all of that.

Additionally, I’m sure the state of the world is feeding into it. I carried on kind of blissfully during that first year of Covid… but I suspect – like all of us – I was absorbing and supressing all sorts of worries. Add to that the cost of living crisis, war in Ukraine… it just piles on.

So. That’s where I’m at. I’m a jangle of anxiety and stress. I don’t let it get me down – at least, I haven’t yet – I just seem to get trigged by small things, or reminders of the situation we’re in, and the huge unknowns we’re facing. A cold rush of adrenaline that ends in a knotted gut.

I hope this doesn’t read as too self-absorbed, or too self-pitying. For as shit as it all is, there’s so much good in my life. I have a wonderful relationship, a wonderful family, a lovely new grandson. I've got you lot. I know I'm very blessed, as much as I might get days where I feel cursed. 

I just thought it would help me to write it down, and to share.

So that’s what I’ve done.

I’ll keep you posted how it all goes.

And thank you again for helping us out every month.

Paul