NO MORE MR NICE BIFFO?

I had one of those weeks last week. As well as recovering from flu, which - in the way that flu does - has lasted more than two weeks, and is still hanging around, I ended up as the bad guy in a few people's eyes.

See, something I've never wanted to be was in charge. 

Years ago, when I had a proper job at Ladbrokes, I got promoted to a deputy manager position, quite without any real effort on my own part. I was the company's graphic designer - working on the graphics for their teletext betting service, as well as visuals and in-store animations for their betting shops. But I also worked as an inputter, updating betting information on their Oracle pages. This tiny department was the one I got promoted within.

And I kept having run-ins with one of my colleagues, who was the same age as me. I was forced into a position where I had to discipline him, but he clearly didn't respect my authority. I hated it. I didn't really care if he took too long for lunch, or came in late every day. I didn't respect my promotion anymore than he did, but he seemed determined to test it.

It so weighed on my mind that I even had a dream where I told my boss that I'd thrown him out of the office "By the rear skin flap" - whatever that meant. I remember this, because I woke up laughing hysterically at the phrase - full on Joaquin Phoenix Joker laughing - and couldn't get back to sleep because I found it so funny.

Anyway. Consequently, I never chased further promotion at Ladbrokes, and it led to me ultimately finding a different job - working on the Wembley Stadium scoreboard - with no such responsibilities. I just wanted to draw pictures and make animations, and not be murdered by my colleague. Much the same as now, really. And from there I went to Teletext, where I did whatever I could to ensure I'd never be promoted ever.

Yet, because I've been knocking around for so long, and because I keep having ideas, I seem to keep ending up with responsibilities. People still want to be involved in the things I do, and I guess they feel rejection when they're not.

I mean, the worst aspect of doing Digitiser The Show, for me, was being in charge. Everyone looked to me for decisions, and I just never enjoyed the sort of implied power imbalance of that. It was a delicate act juggling that sense of me wanting to be part of the gang, but also being the one with whom the buck stops with, whose job it is to ensure the ship stays on course. 

I think I managed it. Speaking to people later, it appears I'd succeeded in keeping most of any behind-the-scenes drama away from the crew, and they all seemed to experience an upbeat, fun, atmosphere for the week. But I didn't want to have to do that. I'm "dad" at home. I don't want to be "dad" all the time. 

It was kind of a similar thing back when I had a message board years ago, The Board of Biffo, which ended in depressing fashion, when it all just got too much for me. I just wanted to be part of the gang, but because it was my board... I was the one who typically had to sort out problems with users (of which there were many, because trolls will troll). 

So, of course, there was a separation there whether I acknowledged it or not. When I finally deleted the BoB, I ended up becoming the bad guy and - as far as those who'd driven me to that point were concerned - nobody but me could be blamed for that board imploding. The backlash and shit being spread about me got so bad (don't forget that back then "Mr Biffo" had far more of a profile than he does today) that I disappeared from the Internet for seven years. 

Nowadays, I tend to get the job of lead writer on kids' shows, because of my experience rather than because I seek it. Again, I just want to write. I don't want to be responsible for anything other than my own work... 

Indeed, after my burn-out and stress last year, I did decline to be lead writer on this one particular show this year, but I was pretty much begged to return. And so I did, against the advice of my wife and agent. It wasn't a financial decision - famously, CBBC lead writers don't exactly get handsomely paid for all the additional work - but mainly because I felt otherwise the show might go off the rails if somebody (ie: me) wasn't in a position to steer it back on track, and keep the writing side of things in check.

And inevitably, last week I was kind of forced into a corner, as I have been a few too many times as lead writer, where I have to gently throw my toys out of the pram for the sake of the show, and the welfare of the other writers. I never, ever, like doing it. When it happens, I do it in a professional and calm fashion - despite all Mr Biffo-based evidence to the contrary, I'm diplomatic to a fault - albeit in a wholly no-nonsense way. 

Yet I know that it always risks me appearing to be difficult. Even though it's something I do very, very rarely. Sadly, people don't tend to remember the 99% of the time when you're easy-going. Someone I once worked with (oh, alright, it's the same person I'm talking about) said to me: "You pretend to be a pussycat, but you're nothing of the sort."

Which I actually took as a compliment, whether he meant it as one or not. I think I am a pussycat on the whole, but that doesn't mean I'm a pushover, and won't ever get my claws out. I will defend what needs defending, and fight when it's appropriate. 

Unfortunately, given my experience, one of the things I've learned is that unless things are spelled out in black and white there's often too much room for interpretation. You have to nip stuff in the bud, and I find that having very clear boundaries and expectations is necessary.

And so, I once again found myself in a position of seniority where I have no choice but to potentially be viewed as the bad guy, the troublemaker, the difficult-to-work-with one (despite knowing full well that I'm not). Again, I hate it.

And that was the second time last week I found myself in that position. 

Earlier, somebody I considered a mate had kind of done something sort of a bit... shitty. I think they were reacting from a position of feeling hurt, rejected, and envious about something, but nonetheless... instead of talking to me about it, they reacted in a public way. I wasn't meant to find out that they'd been behind what they'd done, as it was done anonymously, but... I did. Alas, IP addresses don't lie. Well, they don't if you fail to hide behind a proxy server anyway. 

I thought I needed to confront the situation, but tried to be empathic about it, and take responsibility for whatever I may have done to make them feel the way that they did, while also explaining my reasoning. However, I think I went too far in doing that, and perhaps it got interpreted as a sort of blanket forgiveness. 

When in actual fact, trust had been broken, and a couple of people I care about got upset by things this other person had said. And this was on top of a year or more of countless passive aggressive comments. 

So, I took my own advice about needing to be clear, and I went back and told them that I wasn't quite ready to go back to the way things had been. 

And of course, now I'm fearing that I'm being bad-mouthed to others. Because, sadly, that sometimes happens, and when you've got the sort of semi-public and professional profile that I do, which already makes me a target - where a few thoughtless, reactive, words could properly colour a reputation - it's really irritating. 

Especially when I refuse to sink to that sort of level, and publicly defend myself by revealing the full story, because - in my eyes - that's not dignified. I would prefer to be the better person. I work hard at being a decent bloke, even if that leaves others with carte-blanche to paint a distorted picture.

Regrettably, I've learned over the years that people really can be shits about stuff like this (not that I'm saying the two people I'm talking about here will be - let's hope not! - but experience has taught me to err on the side of paranoia). Rather than own up and take ownership of their behaviour, they will bad mouth you instead. They will make stuff up. They'll try to hurt you to deflect from how they feel about themselves. 

Like... years ago, I was asked to be a sort of co-lead writer on an animated series (which never ended up getting made). I went in for a meeting and identified what I thought were issues with the show (having looked up the other lead writer, he didn't have any actual writing credits, which potentially explained why so much was fundamentally not working - in fact, I learned later that his main job was as a minicab driver; gawd knows how he got the gig). 

I'd been exchanging emails back and forth with the guy afterwards, and increasingly beginning to despair at the state of the show, and his lack of experience... Not that he would've known: I was never less than polite, friendly, and trying to be helpful. But he refused to even listen to my input. Everything got deflected back, and blah-blah... he knew best.

Eventually, I pulled out of the show right before I'd been due to go in for a second meeting. I knew there was no point. I wasn't being listened to, I didn't like the show enough to put myself in a position where everything was a struggle, so I wished them luck, and bid farewell. All of this took place over - at most - a couple of weeks. I never even signed a contract. 

Months later, I learned from a writer friend that said cab-driving co-lead writer had met him at some writers' meet-up, and - not being aware that he knew me - told him, unprompted, what a nightmare I was to work with, that (I quote) I "was bailing on meetings" (plural), I "was difficult", and assorted other untruths. 

Trust me: I'm not a nightmare to work with. I've got a very, very long fuse. At most, I might simmer, but I hardly ever explode. I'm a delight to work with, even if I say so myself!

In that instance, I wasn't overly bothered by what he'd been saying about me. People who've worked with me tend to want to continue working with me, and I knew that his reputation was kind of as a bit of a chancer who talked a big game. 

But that's what happens: people talk, other people love a bit of gossip, people take rejection badly and stew for years, the hurt boiling away inside. They will do anything to save face, and they will say stuff about you that simply isn't true, even when all you've ever tried to do is the right thing, and go out of your way to be nice. Or they will try to bring you down for the sake of simple score-settling. 

It's the easiest thing in the world to do.

Doing the right thing, taking the high ground, not sinking to their level... that takes hard work and resolve.

Paul