I Hits A Bits

Explanation, written for people with no context: I co-author a Naruto fanfic quest called Marked for Death.  The events relevant to this short story go like this:

• Gōketsu Hazō is an extremely competent sealmaster (i.e. person who makes seals, which are paper-and-ink magic items)
• Hazō accidentally created a rift to the afterlife, but it soon closed
• He promptly started working on ways to reopen it so that he could resurrect his dead loved ones
• Akatsuki, a group of superninja terrorists, discovered the  rift.  Their sealmaster, Sasori, promptly started working on ways to  reopen it so that Akatsuki could resurrect their dead leader, Nagato
• Akane, Hazō's girlfriend, was killed while on a mission.  There  was a theory that Asuma, the current Hokage (ninja king, basically),  might have been behind it
• There is an organization called AMITY which is something of a ninja United Nations.  Akatsuki function as its enforcers.
• Two Akatsuki members, Hidan and Kakuzu, showed up to  investigate Akane's death.  Hidan, a psychotic murderhobo priest of a  death god, started a psychic fight with Asuma.  He was losing until  Kakuzu stepped in and saved his bacon, momentarily paralyzing Asuma with  psychic force.   Hidan used this opportunity to cut Asuma in half.  The  two of them then tried to flee; Hidan escaped, Kakuzu was killed
• Uchiha Itachi, another Akatsuki member, showed up to demand  that Hazō turn over all his research into rifts, other dimensions, and  most especially anything pertaining to resurrection.  The update closed  on a 'what does Hazō say in response' note.

When this happened, the players started talking about how to  respond.  They were (sensibly) trying to be diplomatic so that Itachi  didn't punch their heads off.  I posted  a plan titled 'I Hits A Bits' as a joke.  To my amazement and horror, people started getting onboard  with the idea and voting for it.  It very nearly won and probably would  have if I hadn't quickly pointed out that 'I hits a bits' is an anagram  for 'This is bait' and that the thing was a joke and they shouldn't be  voting for it.  People heard this and said "aww, it sounds like fun.   You should totally write it!"  Then they started throwing one-time  payments onto my Patreon as motivation.  So, here we are.

I Hits A Bits

"Is this your final answer, Gōketsu?" Itachi asked. "Understand that  your own rift research is over. Akatsuki will not tolerate any action  that may interfere with Nagato's rescue. You would be far better off  assisting Sasori in making resurrection possible instead of herding  recalcitrant summons or wrestling with sealing projects far beyond your  grasp."

Hazō snorted.  "Why in the world would I accept being Sasori's  assistant?  I'm better than him.  You know how I know?  Because he sent  you here to steal my research instead of putting in the work himself.

"Also, you people have dorked up this whole situation so badly I don't  even know what to think.  You say you want peace?  Cool.  Suggestion  one: Next time one of you needs to arrest someone, lead with 'you are  under arrest' instead of starting an aura fight that you're too much of a  scrub to win, then chump-shotting your target after your buddy saves  your ass.  Oh, and try not sending the psychotic murderhippy to be your  arresting officer.  Have a grownup do it instead.  You know, someone who  is willing to actually use their brain when the evidence adds up to a  giant flashing sign saying 'Asuma is being framed'.

"Suggestion two: if you want to get into the afterlife ASAP, don't be a  bitch: put the word out, get every sealmaster in the world working on  the same thing.  I guarantee it won't be hard to convince the various  Kage to get in on saving their heroes' lives and not letting other  nations control access to the afterlife.  Use AMITY as a coordination  point because, oh right, that's what it's for.

"Suggestion three—  Actually, you know what?  This is stupid.  Why don't  you go home, get your murder-bunny friends, and come back here so that  we can all talk about what it is you want to accomplish and then I can  tell you how to do it, and also tell you to stop tripping on your  massive egos.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have important stuff to do."

He turned and started to walk off, only to be stopped by Itachi's iron grip on his arm.  With a sigh, Hazō turned back.

"Can I help you?" he demanded.  He saw the expression on Itachi's face  and hurried to add, "For the record, I mean that sincerely.  You guys  are some of the most powerful people alive and you actually have the  ability to make real change in the world.  It frustrates me that you're  doing things that seem to me like you haven't checked your nets."

Itachi frowned, momentarily distracted from his anger by the apparent non sequitor.  "Haven't checked our nets...?"

"Oh, right.  Sorry," Hazō said.  "It's an idiom from Mist.  Fisherman  catches a bunch of fish in his net, throws it over his shoulder and  starts hiking up the pier to the market.  Problem is, he forgot to check  for holes in his net.  There are some, so fish are falling out on the  ground behind him.  It means that there are opportunities in front of  you that you aren't taking advantage of.  I think the Leaf version is  something like 'leaving money on the table'?"  He frowned, his earlier  words coming back to him.  "Huh.  I think I've got a hole in my nets  too, because I missed a chance to work on my diplomacy skills.  What I  said a moment ago was really rude.  Sorry about that."

Itachi's face relaxed just a little bit.

"That said," Hazō began, causing Itachi's face to tighten again, "I  wasn't wrong either.  You guys are incredibly powerful, which is another  way of saying that you have a lot of ability to change the world.   You've been doing that, and changing it in good ways, but I think you  may be a little too stuck in old habits."

One patrician eyebrow rose.  "Oh?  And you, a fifteen-year-old whose  only geopolitical experience consists of committing treason a few times,  has a suggestion?"

"First, ow.  Second, okay, fair hit.  Third, I'm sixteen, which is  like...three years younger than you?  Four?  Still, I do have a  suggestion.  I'm also pretty hungry; any chance I could convince you to  come to lunch with me?  I would honestly be fascinated to hear what all  you guys have been working on and receive any advice you have about the  whole geopolitics thing.  I freely admit that I'm treading water here  and will happily accept being schooled by anyone with good ideas and the  ability to talk about it."  He shook his head.  "Which, in the name of  the Sage, is soooo much rarer than it should be!  Seriously, have you  tried dealing with S-rank ninja?  Well, okay, of course you have because  you are one and so are all your friends, but still!  You say one wrong  word, propose one new idea, and suddenly everyone is threatening  violence and swatting you with their aura!"  He shrugged his arm out of  Itachi's grip so that he could gesticulate widely.  (Itachi allowed it.)   "I mean...use your words, people!"  His voice rose, soul-deep  aggravation venting itself at last.  "If you can't beat my arguments,  just say so instead of throwing a temper tantrum!  If I offend you  somehow, be a Sagedamn adult and tell me to fuck off instead of acting  like a playground bully!"  He grunted in exasperation, then looked back  to Itachi.  "Be honest...do Akatsuki do this stuff among yourselves?"

Itachi's anger had slipped away as Hazō's frustration spilled out, being replaced more and more by amusement.

"Sometimes," Itachi admitted.  "They're all...big personalities."

Hazō looked at him skeptically.  "By which you mean 'massive drama queens'?"

Itachi smothered a laugh and quickly forced his face to straighten out.   "That is a very unkind thing to say and I would never refer to my  cohort in such a fashion."  Pause.  "That said...Konan does have a habit  of hurling paper airplanes at anyone who annoys her.  Given that her  paper is stronger than steel, that's essentially the same as a dagger.   And Kisame will fire off miniature Water Bullets without thinking about  it.  And Deidara will conjure up clay monsters to loom over you.  And...well, yes, I suppose maybe there is a bit of drama now and again."

"I knew it!" Hazō crowed.  "I knew it!  Drama queens, all of you!  What  is it about becoming a demigod that makes everyone turn into a giant—"   He caught himself.

"You were going to say 'bully'?" Itachi asked.  He smiled wryly.  "Ninja  are very much not normal people, Hazō.  I don't mean chakra or physical  skills, I mean psychologically.  We are, all of us, immensely driven.   We are self-confident, assertive.  Aggressive, to one degree or another.   Normal people have 'fight, flight, or freeze' reflexes when  challenged; ninja only have 'fight'.  It's partially the training and  partially that people who don't have those traits don't make it through  the academy.  Those traits get reinforced as you pass through your  career, accumulating power and responsibility and status.  Add to that  the fact that most ninja careers end early, either through death or  permanent medical stand-down.  The only ones who survive to achieve the  coveted 'S-rank' label are the ones strong enough and assertive enough  to beat everything the world throws at them, every time, because ninja  who don't beat every challenge are corpses or cripples.  Combine an  unbroken string of victories with that psychological profile and you end  up with...big personalities."

Hazō raised an eyebrow.  "That's remarkably self-aware.  I might even call it a 'Nara-like' levels of analysis."

"Stupidity and lack of self-awareness are excellent ways to not reach S-rank.  Which, as you noted earlier, I have."

"Fair enough.  I'm getting lunch; wanna join me?"

The red-eyed ninja studied him for a moment before nodding, an actual,  honest smile spreading across his face.  "I believe I would.  Lead on,  Hazō."

Hazō gestured with grand fashion in the direction of his favorite  restaurant; Itachi nodded with mock-formality and the two began walking.   They had gone perhaps three strides when the Akatsuki member added,  "I'm still taking your notes.  And you're still not working on rifts  anymore."

"I figured," Hazō said.  "Let's hurry up.  They always run out of pie by mid-afternoon."