May Oysters Grieve - episode 5

[I am very close to the end, and want to let anyone who's reading get caught up!]

MAY THE OYSTERS GRIEVE – episode 5

STEAM WHISTLE OF A BOAT

SOUND OF WAVES AND SEAGULLS

ANNOUNCER                Set sail for Excitement
Set sail for intrigue
Adventure is on the Horizon!

ANNOUNCER                May the Oysters Grieve, episode 5

SHIP’S BELL RINGS FOUR TIMES – DING-DING DING-DING

ANNOUNCER                Midnight at the Schumacher mansion, and murder has finally arrived!  Old family retainer Gideon has been stabbed in the conservatory!  Meanwhile, Grandfather Peter has been outlining to Duke and Carson the terms of the archaic will that has the strange family trapped in the isolated life they lead.  Bertie and Zorion are wandering deep within the house’s forgotten passages.  And Hilda, in the kitchen, has seen a ghost – or perhaps, a murderer!

MUSIC SWELLS

SCENE 1.          DINING ROOM

NOTE:  Tony (Anthony/Antoine from the previous story) is pretending to be his identical brother Tim, which to him means being a bit whiny, but he loses that quickly and reverts to being himself, but no one knows him well, and they don’t catch it.

SOUND                          DOOR OPENS SLOWLY

DUKE                             [from ending of previous episode]  So every other heir has gotta die before anyone can inherit?

SOUND                          DOOR SLAMS THE LAST BIT OPEN, TONY ENTERS

TONY                            [a bit whiny, pretending to be Tim]  Oh, you’ve gotten on to “The Will,” have you, Grandfather?

GRAMPS                       Tim?  I didn’t expect to see you back tonight.  [sniffs]  Have you been drinking?

TONY                            Why?  Because I can’t face you down without being a bit tipsy?

DUKE                             Why’n’t you have a seat, son, and let the old feller finish what he was saying?

TONY                            I can finish for him, Duke.  No one can inherit until there’s only one heir – either because everyone else has agreed to forfeit – hah! – or is dead.  Until then, we each just collect our allowance every year and try to keep busy.

CARSON                        How’d you put together the money to make a movie, then?  A thousand a year is more than a lot of folks have – on top of room and board – but not enough for a hullabaloo like that.

TONY                            I guess he didn’t cover the one good part of the will – the codicil that says each new heir – each child of the house – has their allowance accumulated for them until they reach twenty-five.  It can be allotted to education or whatever, but only by a parent, and since our mother died and no one knew our father—

GRAMPS                       [shocked]  TIM!  We do not speak—

TONY                            Maybe that’s why everything is so tense here all the time.  Because we don’t just let these so-called “secrets” out. 

GRAMPS                       [growl]  Tim…

DUKE                             [clears his throat noisily]  Back to the money, I guess that answers Carson’s question about how you could finance that film of yours?

TONY                            Oh, that.  [sly]  Of course, my brother Anthony is a much better writer than I am.  I guess that didn’t turn out very well for him, though, so I’m not jealous. 

MUSIC

SCENE 2.          CONSERVATORY

NOTE:  Rose and Amaya are distracting Lulu, since she was very upset over Gideon’s death, and are letting her talk to calm her down

SOUND                          MAC AND KAL MOVING AROUND, IN THE LARGE ROOM

LULU                             We basically grew up with nothing to look forward to, but movies.  That was Aunt Bethany’s contribution to our education.  She was like Tim – too gentle – and couldn’t stand up to Beatrice, but every few weeks, Beatrice would go to town for the weekend.  Gideon would set up the movie projector, and we would watch whatever film Bethany could get for us, over and over.

ROSE                             No wonder Hollywood called to you.  It’s really too bad Anthony became a killer. 

LULU                             Oh, Rose, you have to understand – my brothers never really grew up.  Look at Tim.  [sigh] I’m not saying Tony should get off scot free, but I hope that when he is sentenced, they can understand that.

AMAYA                         Why only you go to Hollywood, Lulu?

LULU                             Maybe I just got all the backbone in this generation, Amaya.  I had other reasons to go, too.  I cashed out my trust on my twenty-fifth birthday and the next day was on an aeroplane.  The money’s all gone now, but I’m so much happier.

AMAYA                         I, too, came for acting.  I like make the movies.

LULU                             Oh, I’m not an actor.  My dream is to direct.  You don’t have a clue how hard it is for a woman to get a chance to be in charge in tinsel town, but I regret nothing. 

ROSE                             Is that why you came back here?

LULU                             Yes.  I was lured back when Tim offered me a co-director credit.  And his script was so intriguing! 

ROSE                             Too bad you had to give up all the family money when you left, though.

LULU                             Not all of it.  I still get my thousand a year – that wasn’t contingent on staying on the old homestead.  It’s nothing I could live on – doesn’t even measure up to minimum wage in L.A. – but it’s a nice buffer to keep me going between jobs.  Hmm.  Are the boys done, do you think?

AMAYA                         Mm?  [looks, then dismissive]  Men still looking at things.

LULU                             Poor Gideon.  Thanks for taking my mind off it for a bit.  I think I can breathe again, now.

MUSIC

SCENE 3.          MYSTERIOUS PASSAGES

SOUND                          BERTIE AND ZORION’S FOOTSTEPS STOP

SOUND                          LIGHTER LIGHTS

BERTIE                          Looks like this is as far as we go.

ZORION                        No more hall?

BERTIE                          Precisely.  There is a door to the right, but what bothers me is this hole in the facing wall…

SOUND                          RUSTLE - ZORION PULLS BERTIE BACK FROM LOOKING TOO CLOSE

ZORION                        Don’t!

BERTIE                          I was just going to have a look.

ZORION                        You no smell oil?

BERTIE                          Like lamp oil?

ZORION                        Oil for machine.  No machine here.  Is behind wall?

BERTIE                          Oh dear.  You think it’s a trap, then?

ZORION                        Trap.  Yes. 

MUSIC

SCENE 4.          DINING ROOM

DUKE                             Let’s not talk about your brother Anthony.  He’s a whole nother kind of varmint.

TONY                            [chuckles a bit]  Anthony finally did something to get the attention he always wanted.  I wonder if it will make his movie more famous?

DUKE                             Last I heard, they weren’t even sure the movie could be finished, without Miss Joanette. 

GRAMPS                       You all seem to be speaking in parentheticals.  What is this, that I am unaware of?  

CARSON                        Oh boy, Gramps, I guess no one told you that Anthony murdered one of the actresses at Rampart pictures?

TONY                            [sharp, annoyed]  He said it was an accident.

DUKE                             [pouncing]  You’ve talked to him?  Then, he’s for sure here in the house?

GRAMPS                       Tony?  I haven’t laid eyes on him. 

TONY                            [disdainful]  There could be an entire chorus line in this house and you would never see them, Grandfather, if we let them into the secret passages.

GRAMPS                       Oh, those.  You’ve always been told to stay out of those.

TONY                            And we never obeyed.  Too bad.

DUKE                             Lookee Tim, you think Anthony is hiding out in the walls somewhere?

TONY                            I think he’s closer than you can imagine.

MUSIC

SCENE 5.          CONSERVATORY

SOUND                          GENERAL SEARCH NOISES

MAC                              I think we’ve found anything we’re going to find, Kal.

KALEA                           I’m not really sure what we’re looking for, Mac.

MAC                              A murder weapon, any sign of who killed him—

KALEA                           You don’t think he was killed up there, with the blood – then pushed over the railing?

MAC                              I just want to be thorough.  I guess it’s time to see if Rose has been able to get Lulu back down to earth.

MUSIC

SCENE 6.          UPPER HALL

SOUND                          QUIET STEPS, TIM

BETHANY                      [muffled voice, behind a door]

TIM                               [whispered]  Aunt Bethany?

SOUND                          HE MOVES TOWARD THE SOUND

SOUND                          HE CAREFULLY OPENS A DOOR AS QUIETLY AS POSSIBLE

BETHANY                      [on the phone]  I’m so scared, but there’s no way for me to get home, my love.  [pause to listen]  Please, if anything happens to me, just stay safe.  Don’t make waves or open the box until next Christmas, and then you will know what to do.  [pause to listen]  I hope so, but I have the most terrible feeling about the house right now, like something has changed – something dark has arrived.  And there are so many strangers here.  [pause to listen]  Tell her… tell her “mele keleamaka,” [meh-leh keh-leh-ah-mah-kah] to the best gift, ever.  Tell her I love her, and know I always love you. 

[NOTE:  Bethany’s talking to her secret husband, Haku Akamai the groundskeeper, about protecting their daughter, Lahela, who was born on Christmas day, and is a secret, but very legit, heir to the fortune]

SOUND                          TIM SLOWLY CLOSES THE DOOR, BLOCKING OUT THE LAST WORDS

TIM                               [whispered, to self]  Who could she be talking to?

BEATRICE                      [coming in from the other side, sharp]  Tony?  What are you doing out here?

TIM                               [gasp, startled]  Aunt Beatrice!  What?  I was just going to bed.  Why?

BEATRICE                      Oh, Tim.  Sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking.  [calculating] Yes, go on to bed, dear.  We all need some sleep.

TIM                               All right--  [thinks] Why are you dressed like that?  I didn’t see you in the shadows, in all that black.

BEATRICE                      Just my new pajamas.  [too sweet]  Run along to bed, Timmy dear.

TIM                               Right. 

SOUND                          HE SLOWLY WALKS AWAY

TIM                               [suddenly realizing what he heard, but quiet]  Wait.  Tony? 

MUSIC

SCENE 7.          KITCHEN

HILDA                            [snoring, throughout]

CECILE                          [snoring, throughout]

SOUND                          QUIET FOOTSTEPS

PAUL                             [spooky whisper]  Hhhhildaaaa?

HILDA                            [grumbles in her sleep, then continues snoring]

PAUL                             [quiet evil chuckle]  [whisper]  Such a… dead… sleep.

SOUND                          SOME MOVEMENT – He wipes Gideon’s blood on her face

HILDA                            [sniffs, snorts, then goes back to snoring]

SOUND                          FOOTSTEPS

SOUND                          TAP ON, WATER RUNS

SOUND                          HANDS WASHED

SOUND                          KNIFE SLID BACK INTO BLOCK

SOUND                          SECRET DOOR OPENS, PAUL STEPS IN, CLOSES DOOR

CECILE                          [gasps awake]  What’s--?  Oh.  I thought --- [sees the blood and screams!]

MUSIC

FAKE COMMERCIAL

ANNOUNCER                We've all had one of those trips: driving carelessly through luscious countryside, enjoying the fresh air and sunshine, far away from the madding crowd... and run out of gas.

SOUND                          MUSIC TURNS DARK

ANNOUNCER                And what do you do if there's no help to be found for miles in any direction?  When the last sign of civilization you passed was hours ago, and was an ancient trading post with a sign reading “closed for the harvest”?

SOUND                          MUSIC BRIGHTENS

ANNOUNCER                If you planned ahead, you might have a full gas can, and wouldn’t spend more than a snap of inconvenience.  Farwest Aid Society for Travelers F-A-S-T  FAST! [fast effect]  Is the best friend a traveler in the Pacific has.  FAST [fast effect] won't buy you gas, but it is the backup plan for everything else.  We’re there for you when your tank runs dry.

SCENE 8.          DINING ROOM

SOUND                          CECILE’S DISTANT SCREAM

SOUND                          CHAIR KNOCKED OVER AS DUKE SHOOTS TO HIS FEET

DUKE                             Holy hot jalapenos!  Someone’s getting kilt!

SOUND                          CHAIR MOVES, CARSON STANDS A BIT MORE SLOWLY

GRAMPS                       Nonsense—[cut off by]

DUKE                             All due respect sir, ain’t nothing you kin say more important than stopping a murder!

SOUND                          HE RUNS OUT

CARSON                        I go where the story is.  Chow, Gramps.

SOUND                          HE FOLLOWS DUKE OUT

SOUND                          DOOR SLAMS

TONY                            [still pretending to be Tim]  So, Grandfather.  Whatever are we to do about Tony?  [realizing it’s a great scheme, as he speaks]  I suppose once he is taken away to the penitentiary, he will be forfeiting his claim to the inheritance, and that just leaves four of us.  You, me, and the aunts.

GRAMPS                       Why would you even consider such a thing?  [getting creepy]  We can easily punish him ourselves.  The police need never know.

TONY                            What?

GRAMPS                       [casual]  You brought up the passageways.  You don’t know the half of them.  [ominous]  There are places down there where a man might be kept, hidden and imprisoned, for decades. 

TONY                            [shocked and amused]  What the devil have you done, Grandfather?

MUSIC

SCENE 9.          CONSERVATORY

SOUND                          CECILE’S DISTANT SCREAM

MAC                              What the--?  Come on, Kal!

KALEA                           I’m not really--  Look Mac, why don’t I stay and keep an eye on the ladies.

MAC                              [a bit taken aback]  Oh.  Well.  Uh, Rose – you stay right here, too.

ROSE                             Go on.  We’ll be fine.  [amused]  Amaya and I can protect everyone.

SOUND                          MAC RUSHES OFF

KALEA                           [to the ladies]  I hope you understand.  I’m a taxi driver, a fun guy, not a big he-man hero, like Mac there.  It’s been interesting, wandering around, but the blood...  I never like blood, and now it’s suddenly all too real.

LULU                             Yes!  It shocked me right out of the plot.  I mean, up until the moment we found [voice shaking] Gideon’s…. body…. [gets control again]  it was like a movie script.  Now…

AMAYA                         Death walk too close.

LULU                             [faint voice]  Yes.  And it’s not amusing any more.  [firming up] Don’t get me wrong.  I want to see whoever killed poor old Gideon get caught, but it doesn’t have to be ME that does the catching.

KALEA                           We should gather everyone together, so we can all watch each other.  Stay safe.  Right now, all scattered like coconuts in a storm, we’re easy to pick off.

AMAYA                         [agreeing]  Some eyes open.  Always.

ROSE                             Sounds like a plan!  We left the actors in the kitchen, but that was a while back, so they may have returned to the ballroom by now. 

LULU                             The kitchen is where the screaming was.  Let’s go the other way around.

KALEA                           Lead on, but stay clear of secret passages.

MUSIC

SCENE 10.        ANOTHER SECRET HALLWAY

SOUND                          POUNDING ON WALL

MARJORIE                    [noises as she pounds]  Unh!  Unh!  Unh!!  Blast!  It opened to shut me in here, why won’t it open again?  Figures, Marjorie – you took one sidestep, to avoid the floor that dropped out under us before, and the wall takes its turn!

SOUND                          SHE TURNS A BIT

MARJORIE                    I hardly want to stand here like some central casting supernumerary, but since my only choice is a dimly lit spooky hallway, standing is appealing.

SOUND                          ONE MORE THUMP ON THE WALL

MARJORIE                    All right.  [spiteful, determined] If that feral cat Amaya can find her way through these things, I certainly must be able to.  [collapsing into uncertainty]  But then, nothing seems to scare her, even mortal danger.  And some of these things were deadly. 

SOUND                          SHE SLIDES DOWN TO SIT ON THE FLOOR

MARJORIE                    [whimpering, sniffle]  I’m the star!  This shouldn’t happen to me!

MUSIC

SCENE 11.        MAIN FOYER

SOUND                          GROUP WALKING

LULU                             [not enthused]  Should we look for Tim or the aunts?  They’re probably upstairs.

ROSE                             Hmm.  Once we make sure the actors are okay, that’s the next logical step.

SOUND                          DINING ROOM DOOR OPENS

TONY                            [barely pretending to be Tim]  Oh, my.  Is it a party?

LULU                             Tim!  Are we glad to see you.  Come on, we need to make sure the actors are ok. 

TONY                            [dismissive]  I’m sure they’re fine.

LULU                             You don’t understand!  Gideon’s dead!  He was murdered!

TONY                            [falters a bit – really upset]  Gideon?  Who would hurt Gideon?

ROSE                             Someone did.  Now come along.  There’s safety in numbers.

TONY                            Well, “sister”, you’re hardly in the same danger the rest of us are.

LULU                             How can you say that?  Have you been drinking, Tim?

TONY                            It’s an easy equation.  You already forfeited your chance to inherit the big jackpot. 

KALEA                           What jackpot?

LULU                             [to Kalea]  It’s a long story.  [to Tony]  But - no!  Gideon wasn’t an heir either.

TONY                            [deliberately cruel]  Maybe someone just needed to – you know – break the ice.  A practice run.  Gideon was old.  An easy target.

KALEA                           Bruddah or not, this guy’s an ass.  Let’s find your actors.

AMAYA                         [quiet]  Rose.

ROSE                             [quiet]  Yeah.  [louder]  You guys go on.  Amaya and I will go upstairs and round up anyone else.

TONY                            [nasty]  Nice to see you’ve made a friend or two, “sister.”

LULU                             [hurt]  Why?  Jealous?

KALEA                           Come on.

SOUND                          KALEA AND LULU LEAVE

AMAYA                         Who are you, man?

TONY                            What?  I’m Tim, of course.

AMAYA                         [definite] No.

ROSE                             Who is he, then?

AMAYA                         The other one.  The murder.

ROSE                             Are you sure?

AMAYA                         Tim is gentle.  Kind to Lulu.

TONY                            So I’m in a bad mood. 

ROSE                             Mmmm.  Nah.  I’ll go with Amaya’s instincts, Antoine.

TONY                            Oh…

SOUND                          HE SUDDENLY BOLTS AND RUNS UP THE STAIRS

ROSE                             Oh drat!  Follow that redhead!

AMAYA                         [almost a growl]

SOUND                          THEY RUN AFTER HIM

MUSIC

SCENE 12.        MYSTERIOUS HALLWAY

ZORION                        Tread softly.

BERTIE                          I expect it’s turning the knob that triggers whatever comes from that hole.  Such tight quarters in here, it will be hard to avoid, except perhaps by… Hmm.  Let’s back up a bit. 

ZORION                        Back?

BERTIE                          That way.

SOUND                          SCUFFLING NOISES TO GO WITH DIALOG

BERTIE                          Give me a few feet, so I can lie on my back and approach the door well below the hole.  I can reach up and turn the knob.  I need you to hold onto my feet and drag me back if a pit opens or things get too dangerous.

ZORION                        I stand ready.

SOUND                          BERTIE LIES DOWN, AND SCOOTCHES ALONG

BERTIE                          [clears his throat, then makes grunts as he moves].

SOUND                          OMINOUS MUSIC RISES

SOUND                          HE JIGGLES THE DOOR HANDLE, TURNS IT

SOUND                          HISSING SOUND RISES

SOUND                          DOOR BEGINS TO OPEN

SOUND                          A LARGE METAL MACHINE GOES OFF WITH A TWANG

SOUND                          THUNK, CLATTER, THEN A SECOND TWANG

BERTIE                          [gasping groan]

MUSIC

ANNOUNCER                Will Bertie survive the barrage?  Can Zorion pull him to safety in time?  And what will they find in the highest reaches of the house, if they make it through the deadly door?  Below, will Rose and Amaya catch Antoine, the man they believe is a murderer?  And is he the only murderer in the house?  After all, he’s not even the only triplet who might pretend to be another.

END