Hidden Spaces in Vast Lands
Added 2023-12-24 07:28:03 +0000 UTCHappy holidays to all who celebrate something, whether that be a winter spiritual event or the new year. This month was extra special to me as I celebrated my 30th birthday and the end of another year. In the past I mention how hard this time of year is for most people. I truly empathize with the anxieties and depression that come with the change of time. This year, I truly put effort to celebrate my birthday and I feel so rewarded despite how tricky parts of it were. I think I almost expected something perfect, but was mature enough to tolerate the imperfections that occur.
I've been editing these much older self portraits lately. I'm relieved to be catching up, but also I recognize that I might over glorify certain times in my life and feel like I've missed something. Looking back through old photos I remember the good memories and stumble on sets like this one where I remember my insecurities in the moment. It's from this that I recognize my insecurities now and find a desire to appreciate this moment and myself in it because in a few years, I'll look back on the same days with the same feelings. I look at the model in the photos and envy her, as if she wasn't me.
I do see how I've grown as I look back at who I was, but I also feel like there is so much to re-learn from my past self. While I can so easily remember the insecurities (or also the amount of fun I had finding this location), I project so much on to this person as well. I can't truly remember everything I felt. As I scan through the poses, I try to remember the mindset that got me from one to the next, and it doesn't come as easily as if I took these photos yesterday. There are benefits to being naive about the future. I'm trying to decide what have I learned that benefitted me and what have learned that may cause me more harm than good?
Something about ignorance and youth that I often envy is the openness to explore. Like, dragging a friend to a random name I found on the map to see what it'd look like. Like, buying a white two piece outfit that inspires me from a strange website. Like, posing in a way I didn't always feel like I got to. Every part feels exciting. It's important not to get jaded from contemplating all the potential consequences that I've experienced since then. Dead ends... horrible wardrobe quality... wasted photos. We push this idea of learning from our consequences, but there is such thing as over learning. So I look back at this person and try to remember what were her successes, what did she get excited about, and what was she willing to try, to remind myself to keep an open mind
