Self Portraits at the River

My tour for the summer is officially cancelled. A part of me is relieved to not be responsible and another part nervous and unsure of what to do with myself. I have so much to keep myself occupied, but not having a future thing to work towards makes me feel listless. 

Now I've moved on to creating  a new website and a collection of self portraits to sell as sets for art references. Maybe I'll think of more, but right now this is a lot.

I've wanted to rebrand for a long time, but before I was either too busy or didn't know what I want. I'm so easily manipulated by outside opinion. I can't always remember who I am. A large part of me misses the money I'd make this summer because for once I'd have the money to spend in self exploration. I've done some experimentation here and there, but only using the resources I've had. I think I often fall into nude modeling because I don't know what I want to wear.  There is a lack of idenity in nude art. There is no context. I could be anyone from anywhere with any background. I like the mystery and the focus on the art, not me.  

I also realize that picking out wardrobe and carrying all of it is a chore. I brought a bunch of wardrobe for self portraits today and ended up only modeling nude. Now of the wardrobe worked for the setting. 

I am glad to at least have self portraits.  Modeling keeps me in the moment instead of looking at the future. I notice what is interesting and beautiful now, what I'm feeling now, and how I fit into the world. While my modeling may exhibit a lack of idenity, those moments help me find myself.

It may be the time to look into other careers, but I did that for the last 26 years until last November in 2019. I think I know that for now, this is where I'm suppose to be.

So I'm going to focus on my brand and redesign it to focus on why I love to model and what life is like to travel, model, and run a small business. It's so much more easy to be honest to myself and the rst of the world than whatever it was I was doing, I suppose trying to please everyone around me. Sometimes I think that's why I model. I am a people pleaser. Most of modeling is how do I make the client happy?