Blooming with the Spring

Photos by Vania Stoyanova

I finally woke out of my depression a few days ago. I felt like a rose. I felt full of color and opened up.  The transition was sharp.  I felt awakened from a trans.  It's like I live with a demon that possesses me, but I still inhabit the body. A part of my mind if full of self talk and the stronger half is the demon, Depression.  I think depression is stronger than I am, but I have tools to ward it off and fight it down, metaphorical crosses and holy water. 

I'm so thankful to be out, but also rolling my eyes at having wasted a week barely moving except to cry. I tried to find every justification for what I was feeling during depression, and there wasn't one. I just wanted there to be a problem so I could fix it.  

I think a lot of mantras form generalizations that aren't healthy.  I'd switch back and forth between being frustrated that I had no power to control my life, and being angry with myself that I am not using the power I use make the world a better place. Both these ideas that either I'm mourning having no control at all, but not wanting to accept that, and overwhelmed by having all the control and not knowing how to use it. Now that I'm out of that head space, I recognize I'm unhappy to have lost the opportunity at so much financial stability and to feeling accomplished at planning something successfully.

I still get asked by interested people how to get into modeling and what's it like. I don't know that I know. I don't feel like I know what I'm doing, how I did it, and if what I'm doing is anything like modeling for other people.  I'm still discovering the art of it for myself.  I feel like I'm oscillating over the path to a modeling career.

While I've been modeling since 2014, or the end of 2013 when I did my first photo shoot in November, I didn't follow an instant path to professional modeling. I'm surprised others are able to, but I think that's more the normal.  I spent the first two modeling as one does a hobby, in my free time, when it sounds enjoyable. The photos were cool, but it was more just intriguing to be using my body to make art.

While I practice some photography, I think I favor modeling, like I use to favor singing. I love the hits of emotion that flows through my body like different elements of electricity.  But more on that later