Catherynne M. Valente

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Pumpkin Pie Cream Puffs

They might look messy, but they're fabulous.

Awhile ago Bastian asked if I knew how to make cream puffs, and I said sure do, super easy, though it looks gross almost the whole time you're making it.

Obviously, being 7, they wanted to get in on that.

But I can't just make a plain thing, can I? You know me. It's fall, I HAVEN'T MADE ANY PUMPKIN SHIT YET, and it seemed like I could probably figure out a way to smash these two things together.

I started with 2025-11-03 20:29:44 +0000 UTC View Post

The Glorious Conclusion of the Wild Ride of the Puppy Express

After the straight-up saga of Velveteen's incredible journey east, I thought you might like the happy ending. In case you don't follow me on BlueSky where I've been uncontrollably...oh god, am I about to use the word "squeeing" for the first time in years? I suppose I am. Uncontrollably squeeing about this magical crea...

Bonus Denizen for All: My Coat of Many Colors That My Mama Made For Me

I’m just so proud of this I want everyone to see it!

Also it took almost a year of assembling patches from various sources.

And then just...a REALLY long time hand-stitching every single patch because, as it turns out, "iron-on" is apparently just a total lie it's perfectly okay to tell.

And then I was really, really hoping the last patch would arrive before the end of the month so I could show it to you complete, but alas, it did not (it's an Audrey II patch, goe...

Tiny Adds Up: Unshittification and The Pawshank Redemption

Hello, this is a free and open post because oh my god what a month this has been!

If you follow me on BlueSky, you may have seen what's been happening over the last five or six days...and now that it's really, actually happening, I want to tell you all about it in greater than 300 characters.

Also, I got COVID (again) and have been so brutally sick all month I feel like I disappeared off the face of the earth, so it's quite understandable if that's how it's seemed. My lung capacit...

The Time-Traveling Decorator: Musings on the End of Summer--And Many Other Endings

Warning: I'm about to get REAL contemplative about home DIY and design. This started out as the post for the RAM tier, but got longer and longer and more and more thoughtful and about other things, so it's become the essay for the month, though a little more personal and meandering than usual.

It's been a little over two years since I left my husband. It's become more than clear to me over those many months that working on the house and garden is such a deep coping mechanism fo...

In Which Many People Tell Me How Much They Look Forward to My Death

So.

There's a reason I try to keep my political writing away from Patreon unless one of you really wants to read it.

I want this place to be cozy. I want us to talk about art and love and life and good things that still shine in the dark. I value so deeply that the way this little community treats each other is simply different than the rest of the internet.

Because sometimes when I say something political, even if people didn't actually read it, things get very scary.

No One's Watching the Watchmen

Note: This essay is not the regular monthly essay, but cross-posted from my Substack, where I keep all my uncozy rageful political thoughts. My policy has always been to cross-post any paywalled posts there, here if requested by a paying member. Thus...voila.

******

While I was writing about the beautiful dream of Trump probably dying and how the media is handling it, which is to say barely touching it and enjoying a refreshing cool drink on the porch while still basking ...

Oh the Places You’ll Go: On Meeting a Hero and Definitely Crying

I lied.

I've made the joke about meeting Stephen King several times over the last two weeks.

I very nearly almost didn't cry.

And I did try. I was oh-so-valiant. I told myself: don't you fucking cry in front of all these New England mens and horror fans, Cat, don't you do it.

But I lied.

I absolutely cried. And that up there is the photo that proves the fib, posted only here. I mostly kept it to glassy eyes and a slightly-strangled voice, but w...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Shockingly Dairy-Free Orange Cream Tart Studded with Pecans and Pistachio Dust

Just want to say up top: do not go near this thing if you have a nut allergy. You WILL die.

(You could make a regular short crust pastry shell and top it with fruit or granola or a glaze or a brulee-style sugar crust and not die, though.)

So I got a massive bag of oranges I didn’t order in my grocery delivery, and two people can only eat so many, so I started Making Stuff with the rest of them.

This one is really just a lovely light French cream tart that somehow, through ...

Bonus Post: The Valente Family Singers

THE BOOK IS DONE.

My god, it’s been hanging over me so long I hardly know what to do now that Nobody But Us is with my editor. Thank you everyone for being patient while I focused on it, LIFE CAN BEGIN ANEW NOW.

I am on my way to Bangor for the launch of The End of the World As We Know It, the new stories from Stephen King’s The Stand anthology I’m part of (AHHHH), and I’ll start posting August rewards with a ...

God Loves Mutants: On Fast Horses, Slow Monkeys, and the Volcanic Tomorrow

I was reading about horses the other day. 

It’s what we do, from time to time, we who in some small part never outgrow a terrifyingly single-minded love of horses, imagining infinite adventures that involve forming a deep soul-bond with black stallions and white unicorns, doodling flowing manes at gallop in every corner of every notebook with the approximate quality of a medieval novitiate who’s never actually seen one.

But I am Molly Grue now, I am older, so, specificall...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Grandpa’s Garbage Snack

Do you hate yourself? I KNOW I DO!

Do you ever wake up, look at yourself, and wonder what you’ve become?

BOY HOWDY!

Hello from the Other Side

I am alive!

Is the book done? No. About ten chapters left, because, as the Denizen and up tiers know from the photos, everything that could go hilariously wrong last week, from a massive heat dome in New England to my ceiling flooding and falling through, did indeed happen, plus more outlandish rubbish on top of it. Thus, I am still drowning in stress, plus more stress, plus old bathtub water and it’s still too hot.

GOD ENOUGH ALREADY! I GET IT, I HAVE SINNED OR WHATEVER.

...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Cold Sesame-Peanut Noodles

It’s too hot.

Too much work to do.

But the body must eat. IT'S A CONUNDRUM.

I've always loved cold sesame noodles, which are always also cold peanut noodles, but people only ever say one or the other because I have no idea. But they've never been quiiiite right at home--til now. I was mightily pleased with these, made a huge batch, and kept eating them for two days afterward.

I used fresh udon noodles, but if you don't have access, regular noodles of your choice are...

Admin Post: Novel Deadline

Hey everyone!

Just wanted to let you all know I appear to actually be near to finishing Nobody But Us, the weird-ass gender dystopia novel I've been posting bit by bit on the excerpt tier (click the NOBUS tag!) for what feels like a hundred thousand years.

I'm not disappearing! But I will be a bit quiet for the next 10-ish days while I try to put this beast to bed. Most rewards will still be coming early in the week, but the essay will careen in under the buzzer at the en...

A Tale of Two Gritties: Miracles, Survival, and Hope in "Serious" Stories

Like many others, I watched the second and final season of Andor over the last month, a show I love more than is totally socially acceptable to express.

This isn't a review of Andor, though, and this essay isn't about whether Andor is good or very, very good. The second season wasn't perfect but it was Its Own Thing, without concern for anything but its own integrity, which is better than perfection, almost all of the time.

Nor is it, strictly speaking,...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Brown & Black Mac & Cheese ie JUSTICE PASTA

Essay: The Monoculture of the Rewarded Asshole

Welcome back to your nuclear hellscape of infinite human torment already in progress! What a fucking beautiful day in the goddamned cursed-ass neighborhood of slowly-deflating dreams, in which the very concept of hope is being pilloried daily in every town square. King Friday just sent a kindergartner to a Salvadorean prison, then slept the guiltless, unperturbed sleep of a baby.

2025-04-30 16:13:51 +0000 UTC View Post

Bonus Denizen: Susan from Contracts

BONUS DENIZEN FOR ALL THIS MONTH. Because it was TOO MUCH to not share.

And I did it this way on purpose.

So there would be a reveal. You know, like on Drag Race, only instead of revealing something even more glamorous, we’re going to reveal LITERALLY A CRIME AGAINST DECENCY AND CHILDHOOD.

My dad brought a bunch of old photos to Norwescon so that I could have them, and boy do they tell the story of a journey through 80s and 90s fashion. YIKES ON SEVERAL DIVERSE BIKES.

Denizen of the Month: The Tiniest Martian’s First Real Convention

Now, Bastian has been to many conventions before. Somewhere near 20, I think. But they were a baby, or at Worldcon and thus in the childcare suite, so they never could really participate or comprehend what exactly was going on.

NO LONGER.

What you see in the first pic is my kitten signing their first autograph--as someone asked them to sign their book as well as me. Just before this? BASTIAN WAS HANDSELLING BOOKS LIKE A PRO. I had no idea they had it in them. They just ju...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Pistachio Pie!

The innocent mind of a child keeps coming up with genuinely great baking ideas, I don’t know what to tell you.

Do they eat the baked goods I design from their specifications? Ehhhhhh sometimes. BUT I SURE DO.

This one certainly came from the Childe realizing I'm KIND OF INTO pistachios; apart from the far-too-expensive macadamia nuts, they're my favorite. After another round of The Great British Bake-Off, Bastian/Draco asked: "Well, do you think we could make a pistachio pie? Be...

NorWesCon Schedule!

Many times at conventions, people have asked me to post my con schedule on Patreon so it's easy to know where to find me, and I ALWAYS say "Oh that's such a good idea, I totally will next time!"

And then I fully ADHD that into the sun and forget next time.

BUT HUMANS CAN GROW. I AM DOING THE THING.

I'm Guest of Honor at NorWesCon this year, in my hometown of Seattle! Here is what I will be doing and where I will be!

Note: Bastian is here with me, lord help us all with ...

Patreon On Some Nonsense Again

WELP.

In addition to literally everything being on fire on every level, Patreon has chosen to not delay their marvelous billing changes and plow on ahead with them as of this month.

Many changes took effect at Patreon today, with more to come in November--pretty much all devastating to creators' income, especially those of us who rely on Patreon to...you know...not die.

It's this shit,...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Strawberry Lemonade Mini-Muffins!

Continuing the 6-year old’s journey through Baked Goods vis The Great British Bake-Off, I bring to you another Bastian Original.

They asked if we could spend the afternoon watching "a whole Eurovision, not like some songs but a whole one start to finish" and making "strawberry lemonade" mini muffins.

I MEAN I AM NOT GOING TO SAY NO, AM I?

But I had to think it through--exactly what is the difference, if any, between strawberry lemon muffins and strawberry lemonade muffins?...

Denizen of the Month: THE GRAND DESK/WORD ORGAN KNOWN AS KRAKATOA

I am so excited to show this to you all I can barely stand it. (Unlike most denizens, I am posting this to everyone who gets the experiment, and also, since it's my work desk, this won't be just our secret forever, I'll show the world soon enough, but for now...)

Before I get into it: yes, that is a piano converted into a desk. It is an 1883 Whittier upright the previous owners of this house refused to cart away when they left and which I have been trying to get rid of for over a decade...

Move Fast and Break People Part 2: Everyone's Third Place

Cross-posted from the Uncozy Substack. As the Laboratory is always my priority, anything paywalled there will be cross-posted here if a patron directly requests. I prefer to keep this place cozy, but don't want anyone to not get their money's worth.

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Good afternoon, this is your very stressed-out captain speaking. Welcome back to the most depressing shit imaginable! We are flying at dangerously breakneck speeds above what appears to be a couple of hundred million Artax...

ALLCAPS COOKBOOK PRESENTS: Guava-Marzipan Tartlets Topped with Lemon Chantilly Cream & Poached Pear in Red Wine Sauce plus BONUS RECIPE

Did I do too much?

Yes.

Am I sorry? No. And also I had all this around the house due to a mixed-up grocery delivery presenting me with someone else's MASSIVE FUCK-OFF JAR of guava preserves and several Asian pears that immediately started to go south. I even had the pears poached in red wine sauce from the previous night as I'd made a simple syrup for cocktails out of the pear and, you know, some wine--the sauce is just the boiled fruit left over run through the food processor. VO...

Move Fast and Break People Part 1: How the Internet Gave Us the World--Then Took It All Away

Note: This is cross-posted from my Substack, where I keep my Extremely Angry Political Writing. I don't like to post it here, because it is Decidedly Not Cozy, and I want this place to be for art and community and conversations about the Better Thoughts. But I've been working on this series for a long time, and honestly I just want to get these thoughts out there, Better or Not. And also, my patrons here are a...