The change I wish to See in the World

When I first woke up I saw a post asking about how I got into modeling. I was inspired to share my response.

" I got into modeling as a fun hobby in college. I dyed my hair blue and finally let a friend take my photo. Normally, I'm not photogenic at all, but when I became a silent movie character, I wasn't so awkward. It was nice to live other lives, and be someone who wasn't an unhappy student leaving an abusive relationship. Being able to realize I have autonomy over myself and my life and who I wanted to be made me keep modeling, and in turn helped me change my life. Professionally modeling changed that a bit, but I haven't quite forgotten the important lessons I learned about being true to myself and standing up for that "

I would love to post it to Facebook, but only after I clean it up and have had more time to reflect. 

I hope no one minds, I sometimes replace journaling with sharing on here. It isn't so much that I'm trying to expose myself, but that I know people are curious about freelance modeling and the rest of my very non-traditional way of living.  So I share the highs and lows of being weird.  Some parts of average lifestyle are that way because they work so well, and other times it seems tradition is bereft of reason.

Growing up in an individualistic culture with encouraging parents, I strive for personal autonomy.  Quarantined by COVID 19, has my rebellious side kicking to show off.  Luckily, I have sense not to always listen to my instincts.  I have so much work to do at home right now anyway, it is irrational for me to leave the house.  This post got me thinking about my personal autonomy and how modeling makes me feel.  I stepped into a role of a calm, professional, and it showed me I could be one.  Picking up modeling showed me I could make the changes I wanted to see in my life. I've been trying to make changes in my life now and what are the personal boundaries keeping me from making the changes.  

A large part is re-framing my mind and the set of connotations I have with the problem.  For instance my body.  As a human, my body is constantly going through changes, and I feel like as it is my body I should have some say in those changes.  That's not how nature works, and eating whatever I want to prove a point to my body isn't the way to win my battles.  Now I'm letting my genes and my sweet tooth push me around.  I don't want to fight with my body, home, friends, environment, etc.  I don't want to give in to it either.  I try to think of myself as water, and how can I get where I am going even if there is a rock in my way, assuming I can't make this rock move.  I don't like the relationship I have with my body, food, and working out, because I think of the body, food and working out in a way that I don't like.  When I think of my body I think of a clumsy walking billboard or white wall covered in graffiti.  In modeling it is the tool to create other people's ideas, but I've also let other people tell me what my body means to the rest of the world and accepted that.  Back in 2016, I thought about joining agencies, but I was too naked for an agency model, as well as too fat and old.  I'd just hit the cut off age for most agencies, 22, and the women around me, that were my size, picked up by agencies were told they'd have to lost twenty more pounds to be considered.  My hips were never going to make the cut. Even at my skinniest, my thighs got around 30-35in.  

Side note, modeling agencies and talent agencies are different.  Talent agencies are more open to diversity, but they also don't cast for high end fashion models.  

Often the models that get into these agencies look down on us freelancers because we mostly make our money "taking our clothes off for old men".  I'd never thought twice about being nude in front of old men. It didn't seem any different than being nude in front of anyone or no one at all.  Everyone acted pretty normal about it when in the process of modeling. I still wanted to evaluate. Maybe I was wrong and delusional? Maybe I had been manipulated into doing sex work without realizing it, like my ex had gas lit me into having sex with him... damn.  

After all these years, I'm 100% certain, I'm not being manipulated and I'm not doing sex work, but I have a different relationship with nudity than most people and I live in the face of severity to that or my feelings towards nudity.  Saying what I do is sex work is a stark generalization to what goes into sex work.  I don't have to worry about if anyone is attracted to me or whatever sex worker have to think about.  I still routinely reflect on if I still feel that way.  

Long story, shortened because I get tired talking about nudity and its relationship to sex work, how do I want to feel about my body? Like a cloud: clean, hydrated, and no one can touch it (mostly metaphorically).  I want it to make people look up to the metaphorical skies and be inspired or thoughtful.  Nudity in art isn't a nude lifestyle. I'm not a nudist.  It's symbolic.  It's about the beauty of being human, the elasticity of skin, armored feet, connected organs, etc.  There is an empowerment in health that makes are bodies capable and endure spaces and time.  I don't want to eat to comfort me, but to strengthen me, and I want to work out to prepare me for all adventures in life.

When I think of meals as medicine and exercise as practice, I don't need to give into its urges to slug around or eat sugar. It becomes a struggle to change my focus from what other people decided about my body to thinking about what my body means to me.  Consistent reminders and repetition to re-structure my brain.  I don't want my thoughts and actions to be reactive needs to either comply with others or rebel against them, but to be rational care for myself.