Coming soon to your favorite streaming service

Kat: Ummm okay… what just happened?

Fezco: fuck is this… sum kinda fucked up thing…?

Cassie: Guys… *sniff* I think we’re in Gantz

Yeah? Whatever. I live with 3 girls, sue me.

I don’t know if the Brokeback mountain joke reads clearly. I saw the movie for the first time recently, and of course it doesn’t jump to gay sex right away. Jake Gyllenhall’s character is a real jokester, and so in the early part of the movie there is a lot of weird flirty roughhousing and general tomfoolery. And I remember thinking “If I didn’t know what was going on, these guys would just come off like the most obnoxious coworkers ever.” The line between repressed boundary-pushing homocurious cowboy and goof-off frat-boy doesn’t-know—you-well-enough-to-give-you-a-noogie-but-does-anyway retail oaf is perhaps thinner than one might have expected. Maybe those guys should have been the stars of the remake, rather than cowboys? Maybe oaf #1 goes for the classic "What's the capital of Thailand? BANGKOK!" maneuver, and guides his nutsack-pulverizing fist over his homeboy's genitals just a little too gently for any true-blue heterosexual? Just spitballing here. (Which is also what the oafs will say when their manager inevitably catches them sucking each other off in the middle of the paint aisle.)

A few unused jokes:

-HBOMax greenlights TV show based on what the monkey was watching in speed racer

-New season of RuPaul’s drag race introduce first openly racist queen (image of queen, hand on hip, snapping sassily and saying “I’m pride and prejudice!”)

-Netflix execs, at the end of their rope trying to find an untouched IP with nostalgia value, finally break down and green light “Funky Winkerbean” TV series. Audience reaction is a resounding “???”

And now, finally, your obligatory Darth Cigarus lore:

Zarf Parba was a Dorillion smog miner. Diminutive but sharp, Parba toiled in the mines as a youngling to support his impoverished family. There, he noticed something strange: veteran miners, suffering the negative health effects of the Noxo Smog, would wear their maladies as badges of honor; symbols of grit and industriousness. Dorill’s culture of machismo would prompt hothead young miners to spend dangerously long hours in the mines, hoping to acquire the tumors and deformities that would prove their bona fides. After all, one wasn’t a real smog miner until they had the scars to show for it; that was the old saying, anyway. Parba became fascinated with this cultural phenomena of intentional self-poisoning, and came to believe that social control held the key to unlimited power. His tenure at the smog mines cost him his right forearm and part of his throat, but granted him the insight into sentient nature that allowed his charismatic sociopathy to flourish, and as a Sith, eventually bloom.