second attempt at 54, 55 for A Soldiers Life
Added 2023-08-19 23:56:52 +0000 UTCtrying this sequence again. more expansive reasoning in the chapters and different ending for 55. added about 1400 words between the two chapters. feedback is welcome
Comments
Cooking oil doesn't actually ignite that easily. It has to get incredibly hot.
Thaabit Rivertree
2023-08-23 19:24:26 +0000 UTCTo be honest the butter thing gets to me too. I think the form/state of the butter needs to be made clear. I would say cooking oil would have been a better story point. He could at least set that ablaze for more drama.
John DeWarr
2023-08-22 17:15:50 +0000 UTCThe buttering the steps makes sense because I know how dangerous slightly slippery steps could be from backpackin….light rain or wet algae. They only knew a contingent of men was following. Not advanced scouts. This is how I imagined it playing out. The scout was sent forward to keep an eye on the legion men while the general waited for the heavier units to catch up. The scout noticed what Eyrk was doing so took action and shot him.
Erick Thiemke
2023-08-21 20:06:09 +0000 UTCHonestly the first ending was far more believable. Adrian identified a single scout. Why wouldnt he stay to help Eryk tale him out? Also, buttering the steps just sounds... unrealistic. Especially him getting back up after falling down and getting butter on his hands and probably smearing it over the middle of those steps. The first ending sounded plausible, this sounds more like an unbeleivable series of lucky breaks and feats, the butter, the single scout, turning the girl around, getting back up the greased steps with butter on his hands, and not having anyone stay to help him or even see what happened. The first ending only required that he hide and not get noticed while everyone left him behind for a few moments. There would have been a loud bang and some shouts, but neither side would really know what happened. Eryk would have a hard time catching up but could do it, maybe claim he tripped tripped and couldn't move right away. I liked the first ending better. This new ending sounds less believable, almost a bit like childrens movies with that rube goldberg-esque solution (like "the goonies", but in this case it clashes with the consistent tone/vibe of the novel). I only say that because previous fights always seemed far more real than I would normally expect from a webnovel.
Thaabit Rivertree
2023-08-21 18:59:42 +0000 UTC
