1.52 - Sexy Beast

52.

It was a relief having some time alone, and deciphering and filling in the match report was a fun challenge. But my mind kept wandering. Kept returning to the same, distressing revelation.

Whether overnight or slowly over time, the curse had turned me into a footballer. I hadn't woken up with an 8-pack. I didn't suddenly have giant Magnus Evergreen-style arms or Roberto Carlos thunder thighs. But I was faster and stronger than I'd ever been. Plus, based on the match with Ziggy's team, I now had the skill and technique to rival my imagination.

If that sounds exciting to you... I get it. So why wasn't it exciting to me?

Because if the curse really had made me into a player, it was affecting more than just what happened when I stepped onto a pitch. Remember that I spent the pandemic more isolated than most. Two years of being internal. Two years of growing weird. Beth was the first woman I'd met in a long, long time and in that first meeting I was ignorant and borderline offensive. Despite that, she'd chased me after the match and demanded my phone number. The Met Heads - a group of 22-year-old women, mostly single - instantly accepted me as their coach and dragged me to the pub whenever possible. All the women I'd met when walking Solly - I thought he was the secret weapon to getting into their beds. But Solly had nothing to do with it. Those women were responding to the new me. The footballer me.

I thought back to how Gemma's mild interest in Ziggy had tripled in intensity when she discovered he was a star striker... Footballers are as attractive to women as yoga teachers are to men. Gary Bailey had below average luck with women until he became Manchester United's goalkeeper, and now he's married to a Miss Universe.

I chewed the end of the ballpoint pen.

What did that mean about Emma? Did she even like me? Or was she just responding to what the curse had turned me into?

I felt like a vampire or a werewolf.

A sexy monster.

But a monster.

***

Over the course of about ten minutes I was able to park those misgivings and focus on the match. Chester were playing 4-4-2 in their blue and white vertical stripes. The other team were employing a modified 4-4-2 and playing in red. I realised I had absolutely no clue who they were! No-one had mentioned it. But looking at the player histories, half the team had spent last season at Darlington. So the reds were - probably! - Darlington. Elementary, my dear Watson.

I was earning 2 XP per minute, which according to my theory meant this was the 6th tier - the National League North. Christ! I knew even less about Chester FC than I did about the city.

I whipped my phone out and confirmed all of the above.

The phone also told me that Darlington were in the top 6 and Chester in the bottom 6. Probably a tough match ahead for the home team!

And Super Scout hinted as much. Chester's average CA was 40 and Darlington's was 50.

Chester had a few interesting players. In defence, a half-American called Carl Carlile caught my eye. He had the potential to improve a lot, while Diarmuid Dubhlainn was a speedy Irish winger who had good defensive attributes, too. Say what you want about Man United fans, but we love a fast winger. I just didn't want to have to pronounce his name.

Darlington’s best player was a substitute wrapped up in a scarf and gloves - Henri Lyons. A French striker with higher CA and PA than the rest of his teammates. So why was he on the bench? For hundreds of potential reasons. Maybe Jackie would know.

Filling in the scouting report started easy - name the players and draw their position on the pitch. But then came the real challenge. How would I fill in the pros and cons in a way that was useful to whoever read the report while not giving away the secret of the curse? For example, it would be ludicrous to suggest that Carlile had good finishing for a defender when I hadn't even seen him in the Darlington half!

Tricky.

But even worse was the goalkeepers. I could see their CA/PA, of course, and presumably jumping was a relevant attribute. Plus passing and bravery. But surely there were more goalkeeper-specific attributes that I didn't have access to? Could I be a scout who specialised in strikers? Was that a thing?

I tried to sort of float away from my current mood and look down on myself from a great height. If I had the skills to be a professional player, was I still interested in doing the whole scouting/agent thing? It wasn't too late to tie a knot in that thread. My clients would be thrilled if I got them contracts with pro clubs and could easily find a new agent once their feet were in the door.

But the thought of Ziggy calling his new agent to discuss a potential move to a bigger club made me feel queasy.

No, I still wanted to oversee their careers. It was fun and presumably would start helping out with the bills soon... Pro players only trained a couple of hours a day, didn't they? What did they do with the rest of their time? Design clothes? Dick around on Instagram? I'd be happier going to a Powerleague and finding the next Raffi.

But what I really wanted was to be a manager. That was the biggest thrill, the biggest challenge. Even with the match overview and tactics screens, even with everything the curse gave me, it would still be a monumental achievement if I could become a successful manager. Managing was chess with living pieces. Command and Conquer with territory instead of Tiberium. High stakes poker crossed with heavyweight boxing. Once I was financially stable, everything I did had to be done with one goal in mind - getting into the big chair.

I made a decision. Shocktober was consigned to the dustbin of history. It was time to improve my skills. It was time to splash the cash.

I had 1409 XP in my stash and decided to buy Attributes 2 (for 630 XP) and Match Stats 1 (100 XP). When I bought Attributes 2 it unlocked the ability to buy Attributes 3. I had assumed the price would double again, to 1260. But I was wrong. Attributes 3 was available for just 850 XP.

The price made no mathematical sense. But it made a certain kind of narrative sense... Because if I concentrated, I'd be able to buy it by the end of this match.

I threw the pen at the window and it bounced behind me. It'd be a hassle picking it up, so I left it.

Why was I chucking stationery around? Because the curse wasn't offering me perks at preset prices. It was adjusting the costs based on some kind of supply and demand. Or to be blunt, it was directing me. Forcing me down a certain path. If we want to be charitable we could say the curse was making sure I had the skills needed to overcome oncoming obstacles. Like the old Greek gods, it had its finger on the scales. I didn't have long to stew on it, because suddenly my vision was overtaken by the animation that told me which attribute I had unlocked.

A generic player profile popped up and a yellow block bounced around the locked cells; they changed colour until the yellow block came to rest on one particular cell.

And the unlocked attribute was...

Handling.

My first reaction was to groan. Handling? How well a player could catch the ball? Who gave a shit? I'd gone from the best one (finishing) to the worst.

But I'd been wrong about a lot of things recently.

So I scanned the pitch with a mind as open as poss. A mind slightly ajar. Every single outfield player had handling 1. Chester's goalie had handling 12, while Darlington's was 14.

The only slightly interesting thing to come from this was that Chester's reserve keeper (Ben Cavanagh) had higher handling than the one starting for the first team.

Like I said, slightly interesting.

***

But that disappointment soon faded, because buying Match Stats 1 was transformative.

Remember Super Scout? The curse told me that would normally cost 10,000 XP, but that I could have it at a big discount. From what I'd learned since buying it, there was no doubt it was worth 10,000. Would you pay for 15 Premier League tickets to gain the chance to discover a one hundred million pound player? Of course you would. Even if you had to watch 10,000 minutes of shitty Sunday League games, you'd do it if you knew what you were getting.

But Match Stats 1 only cost 100 XP. How good could it be?

Good. Very good.

Annoyingly good.

What have I been doing with my life all this time good.

Now, when I opened my curse screens, there was an option in the top-left to access the Match Overview area. That had previously only been available when I was managing a team. I clicked on it and was gobsmacked.

I actually experienced an enormous, splitting headache at the exact same moment, but I’m choosing to gloss over that. It didn’t last long and I decided to chalk it up to unlocking too many perks too fast.

Once my head had cooled a bit, I tried to leave the overview area and get back to the 'top menu'. When I was managing a game, that wasn't possible. But now it was. Perhaps I wasn't locked in because I wasn't the manager.

So I went back to the Match Overview and saw:

Chester FC 0 - Darlington 0

First Half

That was revolutionary in its own right. For example, if this had been available to me 15 minutes earlier, I'd have known which teams were playing! And I didn't need to stare at the pitch for 30 seconds trying to map where all the players were - I had access to the tactics screens for both teams.

But the best best best thing was that a new tab had been unlocked. Yes, the one called Match Stats! The other two, Action Zones and Match Report, were both still locked. But who cared? Not me. Not much.

Because Match Stats was the bee’s knees. The cat's whiskers. The dog's bollocks. The pig's tits.

And it was so simple!

On the left, a list of the Chester players and their subs. On the right, Darlington.

But everyone who was on the pitch was given a rating. Out of ten.

Simple, right?

No! This was extraordinary information.

For example, after a quarter of an hour, Carl Carlile was rated 6/10. And so was thingy. The Irish one. There was only one Chester player who had a 7. The rest were on 5s or 6s. Darlington were 6s and 7s with one 8.

So already it seemed pretty obvious who was likely to win this match!

I watched the match with this screen sort of overlaid ‘full screen’ until I discovered I could have it as a partially transparent window wherever I wanted. When players missed tackles and passes, their match rating tended to decrease. When they made interceptions or set up shots on goal, their rating increased.

Pretty clear! Pretty vivid!

With a start, I remembered where I'd seen the word 'rating' recently. The history tab! I looked up Carl Carlile and now his previous seasons' data included an average rating.

Season 2021
Team Chester
Apps 11(6)
Gls 0
Asts 0
MoM ?
Pass ?
Tck ?
Drb ?
Sh Tar ?
Av R 6.13

It already seemed obvious to me that 6.13 was a very low average rating, and a quick look at some other players confirmed it. Based on that number, it was surprising that Carlile was even playing today. If I had a guy giving me 6 out of 10 every week, I'd want to replace him with someone a lot better.

It was very possible that there were mitigating circumstances. Maybe he'd come back from a big injury. Maybe those 6 substitute appearances dragged his average down but in the 11 games he started he was really good. Something like that.

But overall, if the numbers were reliable, this was an incredible boon when it came to scouting.

And, I thought, bouncing in my chair excitedly, an incredible boon for managing games. If I had a right-winger giving me 8 out of 10 while the left-winger was giving me 4 out of 10 then my tactical plan had gone wrong and I'd need to rebalance the side or find a way to get the left guy playing well without disrupting what the right one was up to.

Yes yes yes!

This beast had claws!

...

Thanks for the support! A lot of Patron names in this chapter. Aff, you're in this one, too. You'll see who exactly in c53, but I'm sure you can guess.

Oh look! It's the World Cup already. I'm going to try to set up the Discord... todayish. We can talk about the matches. If you want! TBH I'm more interested in writing this arc. It's been keeping me up at night. My brain trying to write entire chapters, word by word. Stupid brain!