Existential Crisis Script

This script was originally called Having an Existential Crisis at 3 in the Morning because I wrote it while... well I'm sure you can guess. It was a bit unusual so I put a disclaimer in front of it. At the time I'm scheduling this, I haven't decide where I'll post it, if I post it. We'll have to see. 

Hello guests! It’s a Resting Place. Quick disclaimer, this audio isn’t like my usual audios, it tackles some deeper topics, and I got pretty emotional writing (and recording) this one. It isn’t my channel’s usual cup of tea (or coffee, as the case may be) so if you’re not interested, enjoy the rest of your day and click off now. Also, if you’re struggling, please reach out to someone you trust. Stay safe, take care of yourself, and enjoy the audio.

Hey, why are you still up?

Pause

Yeah same. I have snacks, want some?

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There’re here if you want them. Can I sit?

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Cool. So are we doing a cuddling thing or no?

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Fine fine.

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Nice night for a mental breakdown.

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No I’m not judging. I mean, I usually have my mental breakdowns on Tuesday nights, but this is fine too.

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What’re you thinking?

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Hmm. What’re you feeling?

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Oof. That’s a lot.

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Yeah but… let’s really not deal with it tonight. I’m too tired to unpack all that tonight.

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I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep for some reason. Usually if I’m up at this time I’m crying but tonight I just feel… well, I don’t. No feelings. Nada. Dittly squat. I’m not sure if I mind or not. It’s a strange feeling. But I’m sure you understand.

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How’re you doing? I know you’re having a rough time of it lately. Still hanging in there?

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Yeah, yeah. Just surviving is fine. You know, I saw a couple of those ‘don’t just survive, live’ posts on Instagram today and I wanted to set my phone on fire. It baffles me just how much they don’t get it. It takes a lot more energy for us to survive, and an impossible amount to live. We do our best, right? What more are they expecting from us?

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I really don’t think people can fully understand, unless you’ve walked through something like this. And don’t get me started on the people who write it off as, you know, ‘just in your head’ or something.

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So tell me, what’s going on? You know you can talk to me.

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Do you want a hug?

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I can hold you if you’d like.

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I mean, as much as I can from behind a screen.

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Yeah, you heard me. So, are we going to talk about why you’re really here? Scrolling through asmr roleplay in the middle of the night because… what. You’re lonely?

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Lucky enough for you, I am lonely as well. I’m perfectly happy to sit and talk with you for a while.

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Does it hurt you? Knowing none of this is real? Or does the temporary relief make up for it?

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Because the end of the video is coming, you know. And you’ll sit there in silence for a couple seconds before an add starts or you click on another video. And those couple seconds, reality will hit you like a ton of bricks.

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Should I fade out this audio, to give you a chance to prepare for it?

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Why am I doing this. I don’t know. Maybe it’s late where I am. And maybe I’m tired and lonely. Maybe I’ve been hit by reality a few too many times at the end of an audio. We’re not that different, after all. I make these videos, but I listen to them, too. I need them just as much as you do.

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It surprises me sometimes, how much I rely on them.

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Do you have friends in real life you can rely on? Are the ones in audios just better?

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I tend to think some people listen for the story. The characters, some of them are fantasy stories and that’s always fun. I do, too. the people who listen to comfort audios are… different. They need something the video offers, but only for a couple minutes.

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Yeah, you’re right. It’s late, and I’m rambling. I guess, in the absence of friends, I speak to the unknown void of strangers, and you listen to one. A stranger, that is. And yet, for a couple minutes, two complete strangers share a connection. Albeit dampened by a screen.

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New topic. If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?

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I can’t decide if I’d change the loneliness or the fear. Both of them bother me equally. Though, I suppose the fear might stop me from meeting people, which would solve the loneliness.

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If this is too much for you, you’re welcome to click away. I’m sorry I’m not the comforter you expected. I’m trying.

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What would you like me to say.

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Everything is going to be ok. Things will get better. It’s ok to take a break, to rest to care for yourself. Put yourself first and things will work out.

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Does that help? Is that comforting?

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I don’t mean to be pessimistic. I’ve just heard those all before in other audios. I want to be different.

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Well, what if things won’t be ok? What if they all go drastically wrong? What then?

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Could you be any more miserable? Probably. Could I be more miserable? Most definitely.

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What if you pushed yourself to the breaking point. What if everything in your life suddenly collapsed. What if you lost everything and you were left with just yourself, no one to support you. Just you.

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Would you be happy with that? Or content, at least. With just you?

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I think I would. Maybe life wouldn’t be so complicated if it was just me. There would be a mourning period, to be sure, but at the end of that, would I be a better person?

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Are we better people when we’re alone? You definelty get to know yourself better when there’s no one else around to distract you.

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What’s something you know for a fact is true about yourself? And nothing negative, because negative things are open for debate. One positive thing.

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That’s cool.

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Do you think you take care of yourself? Do you think you drink enough water, exercise enough, eat right, get enough sleep?

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Yeah, I thought not. I try my best, but I don’t think I do, either. Is that really such a bad thing? Some days I just don’t feel like taking care of myself. Isn’t that my choice? If it’s self-love, shouldn’t I chose how to love myself? If I have a toxic relationship with myself, isn’t that my choice?

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Do you love yourself?

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Hey, forget your looks, your personality, your hobbies and all that for a minute. That’s what other people see when they look at you. When you look in the mirror and you have your own thoughts echoing in your skull, what do you think about?

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Do you think those thoughts are healthy?

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What do you think you could do to make those thoughts more healthy?

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I think what we think has a great deal of power. It effects how we see the world and all that, but I won’t rant about it. At the end of the day, thoughts are thoughts. Some of them we can control, some of them we can’t. Some of them are healthy, some of them aren’t. It’s like a garden, maybe. You have to prune out the bad thoughts to let the good ones grow. But that’s a lot of mental work, and I don’t know you about you, but I’m much too tired for that.

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I hate feeling tired. Not sleepy, sleepy is a cute little yawns and curl up in bed kind of emotion. Tired, fully tired, completely exhausted kind of tired, sucks. It’s like your mind or your body or both just checks out, calls in sick and just says ‘we’re done here’. It doesn’t care if you need to use your brainpower for something or your body to take you somewhere. It’s off, it’s done, it just needs sleep.

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Sucks when sleep doesn’t solve that problem. But you get it. You’ve been tired like that for days… weeks, maybe. Am I right?

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I usually am. But I have been wrong on occasion. I’m only human, after all.

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It constantly amazes me that any kind of human connection can go south so quickly. All it takes is one glance or a shift in tone for you to think someone hates you. I think everyone over analyses their conversations with other people. I know I do.

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I wish we could say what we mean with no misunderstandings. But if wishes were fishes there’d be no room left in the sea.

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What’s something you’d wish for if you could wish for anything? And don’t be simple, no million dollars or fame for you, something meaningful. What would you wish for?

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I can see that being your choice. Actually, I can’t, because I don’t know what you thought. I’m on my side of the screen and you’re on yours, remember?

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We’re getting close to the end of the video. I told you I’d warn you when we got up to it. Brace yourself.

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Will you miss me? There are hundreds of other comfort audios waiting for you. Will you ever think twice about this one? I understand perfectly if you don’t. I didn’t think you’d click on this video in the first place. But you did, so here we are. For the time being.

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What’s something I can comfort you about? What are you dealing with right at this moment?

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See, I have no clue what you just thought about or said, but I’m guessing it’s not good. So, come here. Have a virtual hug that you can’t feel, but you imagine is comforting. Now I’m going to tell you that people love you, that I love you, and you’re important and strong and you can do this.

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I was going to tell you those things. But I don’t think I will.

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Well, what if you don’t want to be strong? You’ve been strong for so long, maybe you’d like to be weak for once. And I understand that perfectly. In which case, I’ll say it’s ok to be weak. Be weak. Learn who you are in your weakness. If you want to be strong again after that, then do that. Or don’t. It’s your choice.

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And I could say that you have people who love you, but maybe you don’t. Maybe you have people who say they love you, but don’t act like it. Maybe people don’t love you the way you need to be loved.

I won’t lie to you. That’s a promise from me to you. I won’t lie to you.

That’s why I can’t say that I love you, either. I could say it, for the experience, for the roleplay. Because that’s what this is, playing roles. But I don’t know you, and you don’t know me. We’re just… what was that old saying… was it a poem, a song? Two ships passing in the night.

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Excuse me for getting dramatic, but my mind is allowed to wander when it’s past midnight.

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Look, I just said I won’t lie to you. So, let me tell you something true. You are important. You make an impact on the world around you good or bad, whether you know it or not. Your life is your own, your decisions are your own. You might have no power but how you handle authority is your choice. You might not like who are but changing is your choice. You are in control, even if you’re only in control of the smallest thought in your head, you can make a difference with that.

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I don’t know what you’ve gone through. It probably sucked, and I’m sorry. If you want to talk about it, I’m all ears. Metaphorically speaking. I’m not the best at comforting. Never have been. But I’m a good listener, so I’ve got that going for me.

Pause the video. Rant, if I’m the only person you can rant to. I’m here for it.

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If you’ve resumed the video, you’re done ranting, and if you just let it play, you don’t need to or want to talk to a faceless voice over the internet. Either was it fine, great even.

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Here’s another virtual hug. I know it doesn’t mean much, but I like having you around. If I could get to know you, I think I’d like you.

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And here we are, the end of the video. I’ll miss talking to you, whether you miss me or not. I hope you find what you’re looking for in this sea of videos, distractions, and illusions.

I’m sorry if I was too rambly or incoherent. But you can’t really blame me.

It is 3 in the morning, after all…