The Riddler Speaks - Casefile #0162

TRS - Casefile #0162 (The Layman and the Stamen) 

DIGGER: Oo-wee! Arkham Asylum. Show me the crazy babes - I’ll set ‘em right.

EDWARD: George. What the hell are you doing here?

DIGGER: Eddie, baby! Would ya believe me if I said I went nuts?

EDWARD: Frankly, no. You’re only nuts like all other Australians are - generally unhinged, but not crazy.

DIGGER: Too right! Aussie and proud of it. Blackgate’s transferred a bunch of us over - Bane’s here, too.

EDWARD: Oh, goody… inmates from Blackgate. Oh. Ohhh. Elliot isn’t here too, is he?

DIGGER: Nah, he wasn’t on the list.

EDWARD: Good news at last. The Bat must be working overtime to stop a repeat of last year; keeping us all safe in his personal cuckoo’s nest.

DIGGER: Yeah, looks like your green arse is safe this time, Eds.

EDWARD: Don’t call me Eds, George.

DIGGER: How about Nyggie? Diggie and Nyggie - together again!

EDWARD: NO. NO. Never say that again. How about the Kings of Arkham?

DIGGER: Yeh wot?

EDWARD: (sighs) King Edward - King George? We both share names with former kings.

DIGGER: Oh heeey, I get it. Nice! Kings of Arkham - beauty.

PAMELA ISLEY passes by.

DIGGER: Oo-weeee! Now there’s a spunk.

EDWARD: A what?

DIGGER: Her! (pointing) You know her?

EDWARD: Hmm? Oh. That’s Dr. Pamela Isley. Poison Ivy.

DIGGER: Introduce me, Eddie! I wanna break off a piece of that cake.

(EDWARD chuckles)

EDWARD: You’re not really her - type, George.

DIGGER: I’m every girl’s type.

(PAMELA overhears)

PAMELA: Edward. Who’s your stupid mate?

DIGGER: Digger Harkness, love. You can call me George.

PAMELA: Mr. Harkness. Charmed, I’m sure. Unfortunately, I imagine we’re going to see more of each other.

DIGGER: Too right we are. Fancy a go, sometime?

(PAMELA scoffs)

PAMELA: No. I don’t.

DIGGER: Aw, go on. What have you got to lose?

PAMELA: My dignity? All sense of self-worth?

DIGGER: Frigid, eh? I can fix that.

PAMELA: Excuse me?

DIGGER: I’m hot enough to melt any ice princess.

(PAMELA fumes)

PAMELA: Are you particularly attached to this sack of manure, Edward?

EDWARD: I’m currently debating whether or not I know this man.

PAMELA: Just another typical Aussie Bloke: Eats roots and leaves.

EDWARD: Pamela - the guards are watching.

(PAMELA seeks to control her rage)

EDWARD: George - allow me to let you in on a little secret. This lady here - you recall I mentioned you weren’t her type?

DIGGER: Yeah, so?

EDWARD: No man is her type. This lady - prefers the intimate company of other ladies.

DIGGER: Really?

PAMELA: (with restraint) Yes.

DIGGER: Ohh, a lezzer! No worries! I’ll straighten you out, love. All you need is a good hard -

(PAMELA shrieks)

PAMELA: Let me at him! Get your bloody hands off me! I’m gonna rip his fuckin’ balls off and wear 'em as earrings!

DIGGER: I love a bit of spirit! You and me - any time, anywhere, darlin’.

(PAMELA is dragged away)

PAMELA: You better hope you don’t cross my path. I’ll tear your stamen out by the filament! You don’t deserve to so much as fertilise my plants!

DIGGER: She’s crazy about me.

EDWARD: Something like that. You made a powerful enemy there, George. You’ll be lucky if you only push up daisies.

DIGGER: Mate, if she laid me in her garden, I’d die happy.

EDWARD: (sighs) Australians.