Voting Story: Dog Star or The Enemies List
Added 2021-07-20 20:46:12 +0000 UTCBoy Scout Jason, betrayed by his friends so they could have a killer party and achieve popularity for at least a short moment in their ending high school careers, discovers the cabin he built with his recently passed father busted and violated with Lost Slut Tilly just neglected, abandoned in the wreck. When they try to salvage the visit by watching a meteor shower, wishes upon a star, will give our boy scout a means of revenge and Tilly a chance at real shared love, but they aren’t the only ones there to wish that night.
This is the story with my favorite opening line I've ever written. I hope I've overhyped it to the point where you're all disappointed to spite me. :)
I had originally planned on repurposing The Garden Path for this week, and may still do it for next Monday, but I actually think upon spending a month with my notes, I am going about turning my D&D campaign world into a story incorrectly. There will be a fifth voting story next week either way.
Thank you all for the support!
If you've missed the other voting stories read them here. I've gotten enough feedback to be confident the inverted version of The Draft is the preferred one.
A Hill of Beans
1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EniBJOojgt7Z0t-Bc0zRWkhdA2lhYQnpv6x6AZW37Wk/edit?usp=sharing
2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CXwaM5gULsrCM5YXmnfQGWL4dNNbrSm4egdoZMZYXyI/edit?usp=sharing
Kitty's Cookies : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yyhnSi-E7Z5ahJS91WOBKVaJV31XAjUGuD-Mq6DYWCU/edit?usp=sharing
The Draft, Inverted : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1x2EjapsWRSEfZy63rAjjPrQPml0g_O0eZYR52OBLWjs/edit?usp=sharing
Comments
Agreed, a second chapter with the literal enemies list and Jason's first move, will expand things that HOB managed to do in chapter 2. Thanks so much for the compliment! Still got one more for Monday (maybe Tuesday or Wednesday depending on how the second Moderna shot hits me - Three hours to go before the prick.) Hoping to make everyone's choices really difficult!
Neal Johnstone
2021-07-24 10:07:20 +0000 UTCI got a better sense of what was going on and context from HOB but that was from a second chapter. This one is a little more intriguing to me (although i did like the sister being involved in HOB). I feel like I would get some of the context I’m missing in a second chapter; as this first one is only a setup I understand why it’s not there. First impressions of KC are that it’s very well polished. It’s definitely a strong lineup and it’s going to be hard to choose just 2. I kinda wish you wrote more stinkers so it was easier to pick and I didn’t feel like I was missing out on any good stories haha 😆 !
Nick Cartwright
2021-07-24 02:03:31 +0000 UTCFair on the unpolished. I tried manifesting the wishes in several different ways, but until I stepped back and made it so the readers understood Mars but Tilly and Jason didn't, it really didn't work at all. Jason, Gabe, and Sarah have been a tight circle of friends since elementary school. They never had a threesome threesome but they did all their nervous teenage explorations by Sarah passing herself back and forth between the boys. Things changed a bit when Jason's Dad died which led to the current events. Which would get delved into when Jason starts taking names off of his list.
Neal Johnstone
2021-07-24 00:50:57 +0000 UTCFeels a little unpolished and undeveloped compared to HOB and KC but that because you had 2 chapters for HOB and the other you’ve released before and made another pass at. This concept feels more intriguing to me in many ways though. Also I did enjoy reading Mars’ thought process haha. An enemy’s list could give a more fleshed out idea of the story as you’ve suggested. Ps. What with the relationship of Sarah/Gabe/Jason? Were they all friends with benefits; just casual sex? Were they all 3 having group encounters? If not the “threesome” wording made me think of this. Is this something to be clarified further into the story?
Nick Cartwright
2021-07-23 23:03:38 +0000 UTCI do love writing Mars. I feel it may feel a little stalled because the enemies list isn't on display yet.
Neal Johnstone
2021-07-22 20:25:38 +0000 UTCI feel like the first 2 stories (bean and cookies) had stronger samples but this concept with the dog is very intriguing to me. This might get a vote for me because I really want to see how this one plays out.
Nick Cartwright
2021-07-22 20:01:02 +0000 UTCThanks for the feedback. Hopefully one (or more) of the other three worked for you.
Neal Johnstone
2021-07-22 19:33:33 +0000 UTCHmmmmmm, iam not really feeling it with this story. Not sure why, but hm not feeling it. Might be that i thought to hard about stories in the last month or so and now want some external as well as internal conflict in my characters and not really seeing anything of that sort. Or, more likely, it simply does not resonate with me at this stage :D
2021-07-22 19:08:21 +0000 UTCThe dog's purpose is to find the x-factor girls that let Jason let go and turn full unstoppable selfish and start stealing women from those on his enemies list. Also will sheepdog the ones that get caught.
Neal Johnstone
2021-07-22 08:38:07 +0000 UTC“There is a dog” 😨. “There is no bestiality” 🥳
Nick Cartwright
2021-07-21 23:45:12 +0000 UTC
