What it means to be an artist

So this is going to be a bit of a blog post that is for all my fellow artists out there…

I’ve been following everything unfolding with DPR IAN very closely and I felt compelled to share not necessarily just my story but what it means to be an artist. I’ve been told a handful of times now that I have been the direct reason some people have chosen to pursue the arts and I think it would be irresponsible of me to not share what “the industry” is really like.

T/W: self harm, traumatic uncomfortable events

First off, I highly encourage you to follow up on IAN’s story if you haven’t. Think of it as required reading for context to this blog post. Especially read Jeff Benjamin’s threads of DPR IAN’s past Oct livestream.

So by now, many of you may be aware of “slave contracts” and terrible working conditions in K-Pop. I know people who had glitz in their eyes of loving K-Pop, had joined HYBE America and quit because the Korean work hours were too brutal.

Well it’s not just K-Pop, it’s the entertainment industry at large.

I’m telling you: unless you get really lucky aka connections, pure luck, or nepotism—you will definitely trade free labor for simply the opportunity. So many young artists are taken advantage of and profited off of—and worse, many of us can’t include the work itself on our resumes due to NDAs or simply out of respect to the artist or production.

So I started living alone when I turned 15 (my freshman year of HS). When it came time for college, I knew I wasn’t getting in anywhere decent, nor did I have the money or support system to go to a trade school.

The only option was this: do I put myself in debt for school or do I put myself into debt for experience?

I chose experience.

I learned that going to film school was useless. You’re essentially being taught how to make films by unsuccessful filmmakers. When I heard you didn’t even touch a camera until your third year—I knew this wasn’t for me.

I put myself into debt and I started freelancing.

So there’s core difference between work vs freelancing in what I’m about to talk about.

Work meant getting to work on productions that were notable, had studio backing, etc. I did not get paid or credited for any of these.

Freelancing is what I then did to actually make money. Soul sucking vapid work. I enjoyed the art of filming but filming fashion shows, weddings, and whatever else I did was not why I got into this line of work.

I wanted to tell stories. So I did a lot of free labor and work for productions I never got paid for and I’ll never be credited for.

Why no credit? Well, in a lot of cases you have to actually work on a production past a certain amount of days to be credited and part of the actual crew. I also assisted other companies where the company itself would just get the credit.

So when you watch a film and you see hundreds of names in the credits and it scrolls for SO long—just know even MORE people worked on it. Some were paid and some weren’t.

But I was young and I did it all for experience.

From 18 to 28, for ten years I chose this life. I never dated, hung out with friends, have a social life, took a break—I literally just GRINDED. Nearly every other day I was either on a set or I was freelancing or I was home editing or I was working my night job as a karaoke studio manager (I soloed this job ALONE for 3 years, cooking, cleaning, and serving guests as the only employee managing 10 rooms of drunk people. I started at 5pm and often worked past my 2am shift ‘till 4-5am. The longest I ever worked was till 7am).

I unwittingly gave up my soul. You see, what I didn’t realize until later on because I had no mentor—if you are talented they will find you. People will recommend you; and they’ll use you for free if they can. And they did!

I did so many “favors”, stepped in and recut MVs for prominent artists, and shot with many prominent people and I did it all for free because they all made me feel special. They called me “a genius”, “brilliant” and for me I just felt in awe that they even wanted me. That I was even “chosen”, not realizing I was only chosen because I could be exploited.

A lot of what I did was stepping in to recut things. Basically, a lot of directors suck. And when a cut of a film or a music video or a commercial didn’t feel right, someone would recommend me and I would step in and salvage that sh**t.

But then I got recruited for something based on my scripts and pitches. Not to brag, but I had several scripts that were winning awards, placing first in competitions… shit I’ll be honest, I only ever submitted for the prize money LOL.

So this time I was brought on for something long term. It was unpaid but I was being groomed by a major studio to actually be somebody.

I TOILED for three years, worked and met with even more major players—but man was it hard. I was basically ghost producing art for someone who was taking credit for “having done it all themselves” when really it was actually me. But the promise was that if I paid my dues and time, if this person makes their big break, I’d be going up with them. Seriously gave them some of the best pitches of my life.

The time came after three years. I still wasn’t going to be paid but it would be my first official billing, which meant my name would be at the forefront and properly credited.

I was stoked. Until they asked me to change something in the script that I found to be morally disgusting and ethically reprehensible. All in the name of profit.

Nah.

By this time I had been doing YouTube reactions for two years. I saw a path, a path of freedom. I was beginning to experience what it means when a film becomes shit because producers and executives from the studio have their dumb ass takes and you’re forced to ruin your film.

I couldn’t take it. My body was for sale but my artistic integrity wasn’t. I’ve talked about this before but in 2017 I flew to Seoul with the intention of unaliving myself on my homeland. And instead I was inspired, fell deeply in love with my homeland, wrote a script while I was there, shot it in two weeks, and I figured this would be my opus.

When I returned, I felt so rejuvenated having shot a home made film vs a big production. So I left California and moved to Vegas (the first time). I would edit that film while pursuing YouTube reactions more passionately, and that little nothing script would go on to be my first 1M video: 1 in 10,000.

That’s when I saw a path—and took it.

I wanted to become my own self funded studio, you my Patrons, the investors.

I saw COVID as a time to slowly build that studio. I haven’t talked about it much, but over time this would go on to ruin my mental health.

I sank a lot of money into projects over those past four years in COVID, projects involving OTHER people and other reactors. I wanted to raise them up too. Everyone agreed, it was going to be a huge endeavor.

I confirmed numerous times, even when I was investing all my money. Before I did it, I quintuple checked. Everyone was on board.

Once I put my money in, everyone bailed. Everyone gave me plausible excuses, but the reality is they either got cold feet or greed got a hold of them because they suddenly took the ideas I had pitched for them and used it for themselves. This put me into an insane amount of debt and all of these “friends” have literally never apologized nor spoken to me since they bailed.

This is the creative industry. People use you, backstab you, profit off you. Even friends.

And being used isn’t a bad thing IF you know what you’re getting into. Over the past nine years I have been fortunate enough to have been consulted on K-Pop matters: it’s ranged from giving my opinion on how to promote a group, their musical direction, to direct feedback on music videos before they are finished, and more. I’ve never received compensation or credit but I’m still glad because for me this is something I’m actually passionate about and happy to give my free time for the greater good of K-Pop. The only time I’ve ever really mentioned this is in regards to RESCENE because the CEO wanted me to make it public.

This is why I work so hard for this Patreon. I still believe in my initial vision of building my own studio, but this time I’ve learned my lesson—I’m doing it alone. No partners, no nobody because I can only trust myself.

The reason why I was so burned out was from filming so much yet I was broke af. I had the VIMEO BS at the time (iykyk) and so many people used me, took all my money, were HIRED to expand my company but didn’t do jack shit and I still paid them fairly because I thought we were friends. Once they got paid out, and I fired them because they did ZERO work—these people also never spoke to me again.

By that time I lost my mind and myself, and my 30 years of masking my autism began to crack. I had daily autistic meltdowns, was driving my head into walls, I was attempting suicide everyday, and eventually wound up in a mental health ward. The doctors told me I may have BPD or DID and encouraged me to get a diagnosis.

I’m going to be honest… I was largely blacking out and not remembering most of my life. I have large gaps in my memory as it is, I don’t even remember most of the productions I’ve worked on anymore. When you grind for 10 years without a break, would you?

But I can’t do anything else. Not a day goes by where I feel as though I was made for this.

Right now I’m struggling financially but I’ll be OK by next summer. I had to take a huge loan just to survive and paying that off has been a nightmare these past two years but I’m surviving through it.

Starting next summer that loan will be paid off and I’ll be free and I’m finally going to take actions for my dreams and enter into production for my first feature film in the following Fall 2026 titled ‘I ONLY LOVE IN THE SUMMER’. The screenplay is nearly halfway completed.

So I really empathize with DPR IAN’s journey, I want to give that dude a hug. But I wanted to share a little of my story and give a heads up to artists who want to join this industry because I met SO many “former” industry people this year. People who joined the film or TV industry and left because they couldn’t handle all that I’ve been talking about.

So if you’re seriously considering this path: you better be ready and you better really want it.

And to those of you who support me here: this is what you mean to me. You are literally helping me fulfill my dream of creating a studio outside the system. So I don’t have to sell my soul. I will sell my body and time but I can’t sell my integrity.

I’ve had a lot of maturing to do. I’ve been quite like a fanciful child for a long time and I don’t blame anyone else for my troubles. I wound up in debt, I lost people and opportunities, and I hurt people because I was a scared child who didn’t want to grow up.

The past two years have been a quiet acceptance that this is the life I chose and want, shedding my narcissistic impudent childish behaviors and stepping back up to be the kind and passionate leader I want to be.

Thank you all. You mean so much to me 🫶🏻