Friends-Only Post No. 12: Spiel

WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK ETC.

Up basically early, basically packed and prepared, and out the door basically quickly. Didn't even have to make coffee, because the thermos still had yesterday's batch in, nearly warm still. Hurry-up-and-wait-dance at the worst car rental place in my beloved Oakland, where every transaction comes with four handshakes, endless upsells, and way too much eye contact for something that's not actually a cult. First thing they say is "wait's going to be about 45 minutes". Even with my reservation. Ugh. I pull the tablet out of my bag (the small one, the Timbuk2) and put down a couple chapters in between Twitter and texting. They do my paperwork and take my money and act like they're done. After another chapter or two, I nerve up and ask when I'm, you know, going to be, as such, rented a car. "Just a few more minutes."

Finally with keys in hand, I can run to my place, grab blankets, towels, cooler, and a nice bottle of rosé of pinot and, as the Ministry sample would have it, Hit The Fuck-In' Road. A few errands (and pointless shenanigans) later, Noodles is loaded up and we are on our way to the beach. At which point I inaugurate a most characteristic pointless shenanigan and miss the turn I need to not miss. Truly a smooth move (Ex-Lax). Anyway, easy recovery (Noodles takes over navigation duties) and we make it to the beach, with good parking, even, and dash across the highway with bags flapping and a cooler of wine, lemonade, sparkling water, chocolate, pickles, mineral water, and enough vegan comestibles to fuel even the most energetic shenanigans.


(Still life by Noodles, entitled Reach the Beach Like the Fixx / Fizz Like This)


About halfway through the bottle of wine, I realize I've got a couple hundred pages of [redacted] to get through, so I pull the two-dollar hardcover out of my bag and start skimming. (I left the tablet in the car, because I don't figure it needs beach sand on or in it.) Muscle memory makes me pull out my notebook (Field Notes, nearly full) and my bright green Le Pen (felt-tip, because I normally use a mechanical pencil, which needs sand in it about as much as the tablet doesn't) (notebook and pen both gifts from Noodles). Takes me forever to find my place after the reading I did at the car rental place, and now I discover that the pagination of the hardcover doesn't match the pagination of the electronic version, but it turns out not to matter, because I don't end up taking any notes anyway, so I don't need to note any page numbers.

Few more chapters, then I notice a big discoloration not far from us on the beach and wander over to check it out. It is, of course, a big damn crab (probably six inches across just on the body), dug down into the sand, mouth moving, one big claw up front. Buried down so much you can't see any of its legs. I watch it for a long time, with kids who come over to watch it with me, and I try to keep them from touching / messing with it. This goes poorly after a while, when a young woman feels the need to push on its shell, hard, pushing it down into the sand -- I snap at her that she doesn't "need to be doing that to a living thing" and she doesn't like it at all, but neither of us escalates, and after a wave flips the crab onto its back, and I flip it back onto its feet, she gets to yell that I don't "need to be touching a living thing" and she leaves, having won. Couple more pages, the rest of the wine, and Noodles and I pack up for family fun. Fast forward to a little before midnight, when I'm excellently exhausted and totally ready to crash, planning to finish the reading Sunday morning before we record.

Noodles, however, doesn't think this plan is going to fly, and suggests I go off and finish my reading. I more or less do so -- but I fall asleep three times, and don't actually finish until 2:30 or so. I have five lines of notes, and some stuff underlined and that's it. Normally by now I'd have six or so pages of notes (Field Notes aren't huge notebooks).

Sunday I wake up, return the car, and wrap my arms around the fact that I'm really bummed about this episode. I'm done with the book, but I have nothing to say about it, I don't feel funny, I don't feel prepared, and I'm sure I'm going to look like a fool in front of a couple of very, very funny / smart guests that we're thrilled to have. Like I said: usually by the day we record, I have a LOT of notes, and some talking points extracted from my notes and some games ready to go. This day, I have some stuff underlined and five page numbers written down.

Luckily, I discover the one coffee shop in Oakland that still recognizes the concept of the bottomless cup of coffee, the grail of my high-school years, and three bucks, a couple of texts back and forth with J., and a quart of coffee later, I'm exhausted but jittery, and I have two pages of notes and a couple post-it notes that would earn me a substantial psych evaluation if a professional ever saw them. (They more or less make sense to me.) I even remember to pick letters to read and to set up the Patreon shout-outs, which I historically never remember until I'm on BART on my way to Stately Satellite Manor, home of the Satellite Recording Studio, where J. and I are known to party down and rock microphones.

Our wonderful guests show up, and they're funny and sweet and I, in perhaps the smoothest move of this email, fail to take even one picture of the goings-on, but I think the important parts of the art all made it to the three-quarter-inch tape we record on (Steve Albini would be proud) and in just a little less than a seven-day span, you'll get to hear it, and I think you'll like it.


WHAT THE HECK?

Anyway, sorry: I know this is supposed to be a comedy add-on to a comedy podcast. But, I don't know, this has been a really rough summer for a lot of the people around me, and I'm tired, and I just didn't feel real funny this time around, so you got a little bit of a tour diary (from somebody who wasn't actually on tour) and a behind-the-scenes look at what show prep looks like (for me).

Back to funny next week (probably).


UNTIL NEXT TIME

Extra-special contest: crack the following code before the next issue comes out and I will send you A Prize!

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ride the crab

--Collision for IDEOTVPOD