Done Adulting Vol. 2 Ch. 22

“So how’s the job hunt going,” Amanda asked Mel.

“Well, I’m at your house in the middle of the day. You do the math.”

“You’ll find something.”

“Don’t get too impatient,” Jamie chimed in. “Unless you go into teaching you’re not gonna get another summer vacation for a very long time.”

“What kind of job are you looking for,” Ella asked.

“The kind that pays well enough for me to move out. I’ll take just about anything.”

“What did you major in?”

“Design, but I’d be happy to work anywhere for a while. All my classmates interned somewhere, so it was easy for them to find something. Some of us couldn’t afford to work for free, though, so ...”

“Okay,” Becky said as she came through the door carrying grocery bags. “We have chocolate, raisins, oatmeal, and nuts.” The activity for the day at Webb’s Kitchen and Daycare was making cookies for a barbecue. Not that Jamie and Amanda didn’t enjoy Becky’s cooking, but they agreed when she asked what they should bring that their best bet was dessert. Becky was well aware her cooking wouldn’t win any People’s Choice awards; cooking had never been something she especially enjoyed. “Who wants to do what,” Becky asked.

Jamie and Ella decided to help by staying out of the way. Three bigs and two littles in the kitchen was too much, so they sat at the table and watched as Amanda mixed dry ingredients, Mel melted chocolate, and Becky blended the wet ingredients. Becky took a small box from her grocery bag, read the instructions, took out a small, glass vial with a dropper, and put three drops in the wet ingredients.

“What’s that,” Ella asked.

“It’s Little Extract.”

“Is it made from real littles,” Jamie asked.

“It’s the stuff they put in little food to make it, I don’t know, extra yummy for you guys,” Mel explained.

“They sell that at the grocery store,” Ella asked. “How did I not know that?”

“Yeah,” Becky said, “So this batch is for littles.” Soon the house smelled of fresh cookies, and after everyone had eaten too many, Becky declared it was nap time for everyone. Jamie and Ella waited twenty minutes.

“Did you see where she put it,” Ella whispered.

“On the counter. She didn’t put it away.”

“You think you can reach it?”

“Yeah.”

“Go for it,” she urged him. “I’ll be here … ready to disavow all knowledge.”

“Help me up?” Jamie did a short jump to reach the top edge of the playpen and pulled himself up, and Ella put her hands on his butt and pushed. Jamie flipped over the edge and landed on his feet.

“Ta-da!”

“Shhh! You’re gonna get caught like that,” she whispered. Jamie began to creep to the kitchen one step at a time. Amazon’s hearing amazed him almost as much as their ability to sneak up on littles. He crept to the chair first and looked around the corner toward the steps. From there, he crept to the wall dividing the stairwell from the dining room, sticking his head around the corner to look up to the landing and listening for any movement.

When Jamie was confident everyone was in their rooms, he pivoted to his left and peered into the kitchen, then high-stepped on his tip-toes across the kitchen. The little extract was still on the counter. It was near the edge, but the counter was too tall for him to reach it. He weighed his options.

The first option was the chair. He could slide it over and climb up, but he had promised years ago he wouldn’t ever climb on the counter again.

Or he could jump and try to snatch the vial. That would make more noise, and he might need more than one try, but it would still be faster than sliding the chair over and back.

The chair would be quieter, but the consequences were the deciding factor. If he got in trouble later, which he was pretty sure he was going to, he’d at least be able to truthfully say he didn’t climb on the counter or the chair.

Jamie jumped and grabbed for the vial, missing. He paused and didn’t hear anyone stirring upstairs.

He jumped again and brushed the bottle with his fingers, which only pushed it a little further away. He paused again and didn’t hear anyone.

He stepped back toward the fridge, took as quiet of a running start as he could, jumped his highest vertical jump, and plucked the bottle off the counter from above. “Score.”

Now he had to sneak back to the playpen in the living room. Since he wasn’t wearing pants, Jamie stashed the bottle in his diaper cover. If he got caught, maybe they wouldn’t find it. He retraced his steps back to the playpen, where Ella was eagerly watching.

“You look ridiculous,” she whispered with a smile.

“What? This is how I sneak,” he whispered back.

“You look like a cartoon.”

“Move to the other side,” he said. He jumped up and grabbed the top of the playpen, relying on Ella’s weight to keep it from tipping over. He pulled himself up and flopped in, landing on his shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Ya got the stuff,” she giggled. He reached into his diaper cover and produced the bottle.

“How much is too much,” he asked.

“Your mom put three drops in that batch.”

“So, like a whole dropper,” he joked.

“Maybe half.”

“You first,” he said, handing her the bottle.

“Why me?”

“Because I got the bottle, fraidy cat.”

Ella took the bottle from his hand. “Fine.” She twisted the dropper off, tipped her head back, and put half the dropper on her tongue. She handed him the dropper and vial.

“Well?”

“Tastes super sweet.”

Jamie waved the vial under his nose. “Doesn’t smell like anything.” He took the same amount and put the cap back on. “Hmm. This is like micro-micro-dosing.”

“How would you know?”

“Ya don’t work with at-risk kids without picking up some lingo.”

“’Lingo’s a funny word. You can say it with a double-u. ‘Wingo.’”

“I don’t think that’s the same word anymore … Dubba-u. ‘U-u-ingo.’ Ya know, I don’t think they named that letter right.”

Ella let that sink in. “You just, you just, like, the whole alphabet is under my questioning now ... 'A'.” She shook her head. "Who even decides that?"

“When do you think this stuff is gonna kick in?”

“You don’t feel anything?”

“Just this …” Jamie shook his head.

“What?”

“This overwhelming sense of … twoness.”

“I think three, but I’ve been here longer than you.”

“It’s like I’m Jamie, but I’m also Jamie. Does that make sense?”

“You sound so weird right now. I think you had too much … My boyfriend can’t handle his shit.”

“… so I sent out a bunch of resumes and …”

“Shh,” Manda interrupted Mel. “Do you hear something?”

Mel paused and listened carefully. “I think … Is that Jamie? Is he singing?”

“Jamie doesn’t sing.”

“What’s he singing?” Amanda and Mel got off her bed and started downstairs, catching the lyrics at they went.

“Oh, way out in the dessert …”

“Jamie,” Manda said as they got to the bottom of the stairs.

“…Where nature know no man! A buffalo …”

“Jamie?”

“…spied his brother, a-lying in the sand…”

Amanda looked at Mel, who was red-faced holding in a guffaw, and then at Ella, who was listening to the song rapt.

“Said the Buffalo to his brother, why do you lie that way? But the buffalo did not answer, ‘cause he’d been dead …”

“Jamie?”

“Cause he’d BEEN de-ead…”

“Jamie?”

“CAUSE he’d been deee-eaaaad …”

“Jamie!”

“All damn day!”

“O, hey, Manda,” Ella said. “Didn’t see you there.”

“You didn’t see me?”

“I know, right, because you’re, like, fifteen meters tall.”

“Feet,” Jamie chimed in.

“Ha! Oh my god, that’s so funny.”

“Guys, uh, what’s …”

“How many feet are in a meter,” Jamie asked.

“I dunno,” Ella responded. “How many littles are in a big?”

“What’s going on,” Mel whispered.

“You take that one, I’ll take this one,” Manda said as she bent over the top of the playpen and picked up Jamie.

“Woah! I’m levitating! Cool!” Jamie held his arms out like an airplane.

“There are giants in the sky…” Ella sang. Mel picked her up. “There are big, tall terrible giants in the sky!”

“Terrible,” Mel asked.

“Not you,” Ella said. “But I think you’d like that play.”

“Play?”

“The third act drags.” Jamie started cracking up.

“Okay,” Amanda replied. She looked at Mel. “I have no idea.”

“This is great,” Jamie said. “This foursome … We need capes, though.”

“Capes,” Mel asked.

“To fight crime … I dunno why crimefighters have capes, though. Seems like they get in the way. Headbands would be more practical. Or windbreakers.”

“My boyfriend is so smart,” Ella said from Mel’s arms. “Even if he can’t hold his shit.”

“Ella, honey,” Mel said, “are you okay?”

“I taste colors.”

“Huh?”

Ella licked Mel’s arm. “You’re orange.”

“I get that,” Jamie said. “Totally get that.”

“But it’s a good thing,” Ella added. Ella widened her eyes and picked up her hands a few, lowered them slightly, then did it again. “It’s not, ya know, it’s not, like, fuchsia.”

“Fuchsia is so aggressive,” Jamie agreed. “It insists ... Donnas are fuchsia.”

“What’s going on in here,” Becky said as she got to the bottom of the stairs.

“O shit,” Jamie and Mel said at the same time.  “Ha!” they both honked.

“I have no idea, Mom. They’re …” She deduced it. “You didn’t!”

“So did,” Ella said as she started to laugh hysterically.

“We so did,” Jamie said as joined in. Amanda set Jamie on the couch, and Mel reached over to keep his guffawing body from rolling off. Becky picked him up as Amanda walked past her. She stuck her head around the corner and then turned back into the room.

“Alright – where is it?”

“Where’s what,” Becky asked as she inspected Jamie’s pupils.

“The little extract.” Mel sucked in her lower lip and turned red again. “It’s not funny, Mel.”

“It is soooo … haha … it … haaaa! …it is so … baha ha (gasp) … fucking … I’m gonna cry … funny … fbttt! … I’m … I’m c-crying … fbbbbbttttt,” Jamie croaked as he collapsed in a fit of breathless laughs that left his diaphragm cramping and his cheeks sore from the the smile he couldn’t stop smiling.

Ella was breathless, mouthing words and making no sound as tears ran freely down her cheeks.

Mel snorted.

“Mel!”

“It’s hilarious when they’re not your littles,” she defended herself as she at wiped her eyes. “Are they gonna be okay?”

“Eventually,” Becky said, looking very displeased. “Jamie … Jamie?”

“Hmm? I’m sorry, did you want something,” Jamie asked.

“Jamie,” Becky said.

“Which Jamie? We’re experiencing twoness right now.” Ella and Mel both cracked up again.

“Where’s the bottle?”

“In my pants.” Becky patted his diaper area. “O! No.” Jamie concentrated. “I took it out of my pants.”

“It’s right here, Mom,” Amanda said as she picked it up out of the playpen.

“How much did they have?”

“Just a this much,” Ella said as she showed with her fingers.

“What do we do now,” Amanda asked.

“Wait for it to wear off.”

“And then what,” Mel asked.

“Think of a million punishments.”

“O, I think they’ve punished themselves,” Becky said.

“We did,” Ella asked.

“Ever gonna do that again,” Becky asked as she held another bottle of LittleLyte to Jamie’s lips. Stacy had collected Ella. She was inclined to find it funny; it would’ve been if Ella hadn’t been so sick.

“Or can we maybe get you a cookie,” Amanda asked.

“I won’t do it again,” Jamie said as he laid limp and sweaty in his crib.

“You’d better not,” Manda said as she picked up the trash bag she’d emptied Jamie’s diaper pail into. And the bathroom wastebasket. Her phone chimed with a text from Mel: Did he explain what a buffalo is yet?