Done Adulting Vol. 2 Ch. 16

Ella was suspicious when Stacy picked her up off the floor out of the blue. It wasn’t dinner time. It wasn’t movie time, when they often snuggled on the couch together. It wasn’t nap time, either. Stacy sat down on the couch, sat Ella on her lap, and Stacy tried not to be nervous.

Stacy had been mentally preparing for this all week, since the letter had come back through her attorney. Ella’s parents wanted to see her, in person, and they would work with Stacy to make that happen and go forward from there. All morning Stacy had given herself a pep talk, remembering what the psychologist said, re-reading her notes. What to say, what not to say. What Ella might say. What Ella might do. Might.

“What’s up,” Ella asked. “Got a business trip coming up?” Stacy traveled for work just once or twice a year.

“No, there’s something else I need to talk to you about.” Stacy paused.

“Okay...”

“First, you know I love you. More than anything. And that I’ll never let anything happen to you.” This had come out a lot smoother when she was rehearsing it with the psychologist.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Yes, there is. Just tell me. You’re scaring me.”

Stacy looked away, her mind blank, getting ready to finally say it. She turned back to Ella. “The Department of Human Services made a mistake in a records request. They sent your information to the embassy of your home country by mistake.”

“Alright ...” So some diplomat had her information. Why was that a big deal?

“And the embassy forwarded that information on to your family. They know you’re in Itali.” Stacy watched for a reaction.

Ella’s mouth turned down at the corners. Her face became cloudy. Her brow slowly furrowed. Her shoulders drooped. She seemed to get smaller. Not fear. Not anger. Something else. Something more elemental.

“Ella? Do you understand what I ...”

“Hhhh!” Ella sobbed hard, just once, and sucked in air. Her chest felt tight. Her head felt light. Stacy patted her back and moved Ella to her shoulder. She could feel her little heart beating so fast.

“Take a breath, Ella. C’mon. We’re gonna get through this.”

“Hhhh!”

“Another.”

Ella began to breathe regularly, then fast, then too fast. With Stacy bouncing her lightly and patting her back, Ella found her breath and wailed.

A heart wrenching sound. A lamentation. Ella wailed, and Stacy didn’t shush her. She sobbed, and Stacy let her. She didn’t understand why Ella never told her family. She had never understood.

Ella cried until she’d exhausted herself and slumped against Stacy, her diaphragm cramped and her sinuses draining. So many thoughts sprinted through her mind she couldn’t single them out. A blur of emotions and wants and what-ifs.

It had been an hour and felt like an age.

“Ella,” Stacy tried. She didn’t answer. Stacy stood and carried the limp little to the kitchen, where she made Ella a glass of water and let her drink. Ella stared into the middle distance. She just couldn’t do more than that yet. She drank fast. Stacy wet a paper towel and wiped off Ella’s face.

“Ella, please say something.”

“I need a tissue,” Ella said first. Stacy handed her another paper towel, and Ella blew her nose. “Thank you.”

“Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“I ... This ... They must be ... I don’t know what they must be. This ruins ... All over again.”

“What’s ‘all over again?’”

“Losing me.”

“I don’t ...”

“Like they found me. And I’m still here. It must be like losing me all over again ... I wish you hadn’t told me,” Ella added quietly. “Why did you tell me that,” she said louder. “Why?” It was an accusation.

“They,” Stacy sighed. “They want to come here.”

Ella’s eyes went blank.

“What do you want, Ella? That’s what’s important.”

“I wanna go to bed.” She said it calmly, a frightening calm. It was only mid-afternoon.

“Okay. Okay. We can do that.”

Stacy tucked Ella in and promised to come check on her. She slowly slumped to the floor with her back against the wall right outside the door. She heard Ella crying again, and it hurt that Ella would want to cry alone and not with her. She wanted to go back in but didn’t.

She knew she’d need to tell Becky and Amanda since they’d be watching her. She took out her phone and texted Becky. I decided to take a couple days off and won’t need you to watch Ella until the middle of the week. Let’s talk before then. Hope your trip was good.