Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 122

Jamie was glad to be at the park, warm in his coat and hat. The cold air felt good on Jamie’s face as he pumped his legs on the swing. Brisk, sharp, stinging his skin and making him feel vital. The air smelled clean. Mel and Amanda watched him from a bench.

This was Mel’s park, on her side of town. There was no game of tag to play, and it wasn’t very big, but it was a charming park, with a small sand pit that Rosie would love and a set of swings and monkey bars. Jamie self-consciously pumped his legs harder and higher, cognizant of Mel’s gaze and feeling what he knew was a ridiculous desire to impress her. The harder he worked, the more the cold air burned his nose. He let his feet fall and drag him to a stop.

“So you took him Christmas shopping,” Mel asked.

“Yeah, Mom gave him a little money so he could buy some things for his friends and for her.”

“What did he get her?”

“Slippers. And he’s drawing her a picture. He won’t let me see it yet.”

“That’s cute. Did you find anything you liked?”

Amanda chuckled. “I try not to look when I can’t afford anything.”

“Maybe you should get a job.”

“Between school and Jamie, who has time for a job?”

“You could work afternoons and let Jamie stay at daycare until your mom can pick him up.”

“Yeah, but then Mom would just have to spend more on daycare, which is a lot more than I’d make in retail or waitressing.”

“Maybe your mom needs to start paying you for babysitting.”

“It’s not really babysitting when it’s your brother. And I’m his guardian.”

“Seems unfair.”

“What does?”

“If he were your child, you’d get a childcare subsidy.”

“We chose to have him.”

“People choose to have kids. I’m just saying, littles are people, not pets. Little care costs are ridiculous, and you shouldn’t have to choose between being able to earn money and having a little any more than having a kid.”

“Maybe I need to not be so shy about asking Mom for money.”

“No offense, but she is a teacher, and it’s just the three of you. I’m sure she’d be fine with it if you just ask. I mean, my parents are just lawyers. I had to start working just for gas money for when I borrowed the car.”

“Hold on …” Amanda said when she noticed Jamie walking back to them with his head down. “What’s up, buddy? You done swinging?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled. Amanda looked at Mel, who shrugged her shoulders.

“Did we miss something?”

Jamie looked behind him at the swing set, where a much larger little was now swinging. “He took my swing.”

“O. Were you done with it?”

“Sort of.”

“Well, do you want it back?” Jamie wasn’t sure if he wanted it back. He was mostly done swinging, but he was enjoying just sitting there twisting back and forth and enjoying the day. Maybe that didn’t count as swinging to a regressed little like Thunder over there, but it counted to Jamie. When Jamie didn’t answer, Amanda prompted him, “Did you try asking for it back?”

“No.”

“I think you should try.” Amanda didn’t want Jamie to get taken advantage of because he wasn’t as big as other littles or because he retained his inhibitions while regressed littles did anything they pleased. Diane and April had both told her and Becky about Jamie’s tendency to be non-confrontational bordering on submissive when regressed littles were unkind to him. Many of them did whatever they felt just like toddlers do, whereas Jamie was restrained by his sense of right and wrong.

“Do you think that will do anything,” he asked.

“Isn’t it worth asking?”

“Maybe you can ask his big,” Jamie said, pointing to a woman nearby texting on her phone.

“C’mere, buddy.” Jamie held up his arms, and Amanda lifted him onto the bench. “I’ll do that if you want me to. But do you really want me to? I think you should at least try first.”

“I don’t think he’ll say yes.”

“Probably not, Jamie, but I still think you should try.”

“Why?”

“Because you shouldn’t let other littles’ regression be a weapon against you.”

“What if he tries to hit me?”

“I don’t think he’ll do that just because you ask him.”

“Will you come with me?”

“How about Mel and I walk over and stop at that tree? That way we’re close.” Amanda helped Jamie down and held his hand as they walked back toward the swings. When they got to the tree, Amanda let his hand go. “Remember – the worst he can say is no.”

When Jamie was out of earshot, Mel spoke up, “You sure this is a good idea?”

“I just want him to stick up for himself. He gets taken advantage of by regressed littles.” They watched Jamie talk to the little, and he responded by not slowing down at all. Jamie tried again without getting any response. Jamie gave up and walked back.

“Do you want to intervene,” Mel asked before he reached them.

“Of course I do,” she replied. When Jamie reached them, she knelt down to talk to him on his level. “Didn’t work, huh?”

“No, obviously.” He sighed, his shoulders slumping forward in a sulk of defeated disappointment.

“If you want me to go talk to his big, I will.”

“No, that’s okay.” Jamie was embarrassed and avoiding eye contact. It was especially embarrassing that it happened in front of Mel; he felt not just little, but small.

“I’m proud of you for trying, Jamie,” Amanda said. “Do you believe me,” she added when he didn’t respond.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Hey, Jamester,” Mel said, “You know what’s more fun than a swing? A piggyback ride. Wanna hop on, and we’ll go find some cocoa?” He nodded yes not because he was excited for a piggyback ride but because he wanted to leave, and he didn’t want to let his bad mood bring them down by rejecting their effort to make him feel better.

Back at Mel’s house, Jamie was asleep on the sofa with a belly full of cocoa made with formula, his wind burnt cheek resting on Amanda’s lap as she stroked his hair.

“I think I screwed that up,” Amanda said.

“Why doesn’t he just stand up for himself, even push back?”

“Because they’re regressed and he’s not. He thinks it’s wrong.”

“That little could definitely fight back.”

“I think it’s more about it wouldn’t be a fair fight, but maybe even more that they have a much harder time making good choices, like they can’t even help but be selfish or inconsiderate or even mean like that. I guess he … I don’t know, thinks of them as cognitively disabled or something.”

“They’re just regressed.”

“To us, maybe. To him, I suppose they’re human adults who aren’t as cognitively or physically developed as he is. Do you think I pressured him?”

Mel felt a little uncomfortable answering truthfully, but she did. “Yeah, a little. Why did you?”

“I just don’t want him to feel like he has to give in every time a regressed little decides to be mean to him. Not being regressed shouldn’t be a disadvantage. He’s still a little, and he should be allowed to be a little without an asterisk by his name like he should get held to a higher standard. And holding himself to a higher standard. That’s part of his bigger problem, always holding himself to impossible standards.”

“You want him to fight back?”

“Not necessarily … Well, yeah, maybe sometimes. He won’t though.”

“And if that little had taken a swing at him?”

“Jamie most likely would have gotten out of the way of it, and if not, we were right there.”

“That’s a little risky.”

“I was pretty sure the other little wouldn’t, not if Jamie didn’t get physical first, which he would never … I just don’t want him to automatically give up. I don’t want him hitting anyone; I just mean, even if he just tries, even if he just verbally sticks up for himself so he doesn’t get taken advantage of, because the other thing he won’t do when it’s only about him is tell a big. Not sure if it’s more that he’s embarrassed or that he doesn’t like tattling; probably embarrassment. I mean, you saw him when he walked over. He was upset but didn’t wanna say what was wrong. I mean, it’s not like it only bothered me. It bothered him, too.”

Now Amanda felt like she was trying to justify herself. Maybe she was just channeling her own emotions, thinking about what she’d do if she were a little.

“You could have just stepped in. You have before.”

“With bigs. With littles, I don’t know. I think he has to solve at least some of those problems himself. Guess I should have picked a better teaching opportunity.”

“He’s smart, and he’s mature. I’m sure if you talk with him later he’ll understand … Can I say something?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t think Jamie gets taken advantage of because he’s not regressed. I think he gets taken advantage of because he’s Jamie. Gentle people always get taken advantage of.”

Amanda sighed and stroked Jamie’s hair. “It’s not fair.”

Amanda felt regretful and guilty. She needed Jamie to wake up so she could apologize and he could forgive her. She knew she had never been perfect, but at the moment, she felt like a jerk. She sighed again. “Remember when we used to think our parents always knew what they were doing?”

“Your heart was in the right place.”

“I hope he thinks so.”

Mel rolled her eyes. “Of course he will. This is Jamie we’re talking about. Stop pouting.”

“I still feel guilty.”

“Well, if you were a little I’d tell you that means you’ve learned your lesson.”

“Thanks for letting me talk about it.”

“Of course … Ya know you really are good at this, right?”

“I’m average.”

“O, come on. Imagine where he’d be without you. Do you really think the average person could get someone like Jamie from where he was to where he is? You know better. Even your mom couldn’t have done it.”

“He deserves the credit; he did all the hard work.”

“Seriously, you are irritatingly humble sometimes when it comes to him.” Amanda chuckled.

“I just think he’s the hero of his own story. That’s all. None of this would have happened if he hadn’t been brave enough to make a leap into the unknown. It takes a lot of courage asking for help, especially the way he did.”

“Well, when he wakes up if you want a few minutes alone with him, I’ll go find something to do.”

“Thanks.”

“Shouldn’t take more than five minutes. He’ll forgive you in one, and you’ll cry for three and a half, and you’ll both be laughing by the stroke of five.”

Amanda chuckled again because she knew Mel was right. She leaned down to whisper into Jamie’s ear, “Aunt Mel is a meanie head sometimes, isn’t she?”