Mary and Daphne #175

Ever have a dream where you’re peeing and you wake up and you actually were peeing? Me neither. But I have had a dream where someone was smacking me on the butt with vigor, and when I came to (quickly and with confusion) sure enough, there was Mary wearing her I’m-not-done-with-your-butt face swinging away. Not the playful version but the serious version. Thank goodness for the comforter or she might’ve actually made my butt hurt or something.

“Get this out of the way,” she mumbled as she took away my comforter. Drat.

“Mar ow ow ow what ow did ouch friggin yipe! dammit! I do?!” According to some people I share a home and bank account and marriage certificate with, I’m not always so good at knowing whether or not I did something misbehavior-y, but I’d been very well behaved of late. Even my alleged brattiness had been minimal.

“Like you can’t even guess.” Heccin lord almighty she was steamed, which explains the paddle she took off my nightstand (which is fine cuz it’s hers; my nightstand just holds it up) and SPLAT!

“OW! I didn’t eep! Stop!” I’m usually very good about taking my spankings with just token physical resistance, and not because I couldn’t overpower Mary. She may have size and strength on me on the outside, but I’m actually a much more powerful individual who can bend steel bars and stuff. Nope, it’s because I’m obedient (when I want to be, which still counts according to experts who are me) and she’s in charge and I like that very much. But usually she has the courtesy to explain why I’m getting spanked before she starts paddling my butt.

With my hands on the edge of the mattress, I pulled for freedom with all the might my mighty yet petite and ladylike body could muster … and Miss Mary Where-Do-You-Think-You’re-Going grabbed my ankle and just kept on paddling. Hmmph. She must not realize I’m stronger than her or something. And iron willed. I have an iron will, very incontestable, and Mary was really getting on my nerves with the whole contesting it thing.

“Hold. Still!” (SPANK!)

“Not til you ugh! Tell me YOW! What I fuggernootin! Did!”

“What’s the spending limit?”

Urgh! That stupid rule! That stupid, fucking not-adjusted-for-inflation-since-2017 rule! And I didn’t even break it! “I didn’t break the rule!”

“What’s the rule?” (SMACK!)

“I hafta ask if it’s over a hundred – owhuhow – dollars! But Mary (sniff!) I didn’t break it!”

“So that three hundred charge on our credit card is a mistake?”

“… No …”

(SMACK!) “Then explain it.” (SPANK!)

“I can’t.” (SPANK SMACK PADDLE SPLAT!!) “it’s a present! It’s a present for you! Stop spanking me-hee-eee (snorfle)!”

“A present for me?”

“Yes!”

Which is when she let go of my ankle. Timing is everything, and I was gonna explain that to her but before I could, the floor was coming up at my face. Good thing my forearm was there to to stop it … dammit.

“Ouch … Are you gonna heccin pull me back up or do I hafta slide the rest of the way to the floor?”

She pulled me up and I think she was lost in the moment or something cuz she said to me, “Another reason you should hold still while getting spanked.”

“(Sound of me glaring at my wife.) And!?!”

“Sorry?”

“Heccin right you’re (righteous rhino noises) and since when do you (violent car crash but no one was hurt, thank goodness) and outta nowhere with the (elephant trumpeting) and the ‘o look at me I’m Mary I can do whatever I (power substation exploding) and dammihurnermer, Mary! Hmmph!”

“Really sorry.” Mary’s oops-I’m-chagrined face. Not gonna cut it.

“Good … But if you don’t wanna spend the money, I can always take your present back.”

“If it’s so important you decided to break the rule, I guess we’d better keep it.”

Lemme count the things wrong with that statement: one. One thing. “How can I ask permission when it’s a present for you? I wanted it to be a surprise.” And don’t even listen to anyone who says I sounded pathetic and disappointed. I mean, I did, but don’t even listen to those people because reasons.

“I’m sorry. C’mere.”

“I’m only letting you hug me because you’re good at making things all better.”

“Do you still like me?”

“Very much. What even got into you? You haven’t spanked me like that in a while.”

“We’ve talked about the spending limit rule so many times. I thought this time the paddle could do the talking.”

Did she just tell a joke? Was that a forced chuckle? Screw that.“You thought wrong. You should always explain to someone why you’re spanking them … especially if you woke them out of a dead sleep.”

“Bet you wish you’d let me diaper you last night.”

“No! But I do wish I’d worn panties.”

“How can I make it up to you?” Ooo, an opportunity for emotional extortion. Whatever shall I do with it?

“Well, you can go get the lotion.”

“One butt rub coming up.”

“I didn’t say that. We listen with your ears, Mary.” I take risks. “You can go get the lotion and then finish my spanking, but with more fondling this time. And maybe get my front too. And a present of equal or greater value.” I may have said that last part soto voce just to see if that idea would float.

“I heard that,” Mary said pianissimo.

“It’s rude to talk under your breath. You’re on a definite rude streak today. Maybe part of my present is you working on that.”

“One of these days, I’m gonna spank the sass outta you.”

“You did that one time … for a few hours, I think.”

“Dinner. We got through dinner without any more sass, but you were all better by bedtime.”

“Kinda rude to give me a bedtime spanking too.”

“So what did you get me,” she asked. She doesn’t always segue smoothly, bless her heart. And see how alike we are? Turning the subject back to gifts and asking what they are even when they’re supposed to be a surprise is such a me thing to do!

“Do you really wanna know?”

“When were you gonna give it to me?”

“At the lake next week. It’s a vacation surprise.”

“I guess I’ll just hafta be patient.”

“It is a virtue, Mary. You could stand to be a lot more virtuous.”

“Uh-huh. How do you want this combination spanking-fondling?”

“With me straddling your left thigh.”

“You’re gonna hump my leg, aren’t you?”

“If it happens, it happens. I can’t predict the future.” Mary needs to learn to go with the flow more. Me: I’m the flow.

“You’re the most virtuous woman I know, Daffy.”

“Yeah, our crowd is pretty shameless. Hey, can we have sex in the blow-up pool later?” What? I meant after dark, of course. Really.

Mary’s you’re-just-barely-in-control-of-your-hormones-aren’t-you smile. It’s a happy smile, with a dollop of whatever-shall-I-do-with-you as though I’m running her ragged or something. But she’s the one who came out swinging, and I’m the one who fell off the bed. If anyone is running anyone else around here ragged, it’s definitely Mary (and also me).

And my hormones are, too, in control. It’s just that, well, um, if she didn’t want me to … It’s her fault for being hot and dominant and smacking my butt without verifying I’m in trouble first. If I were in trouble, my hormones would be at their normal, elevated-but-not-dangerously-so-levels, but when she starts with the butt smacking and I’m not in trouble, that’s just turning the key, and someone’s gonna hafta drive that car. Me: I’m the car (sometimes a self-driving car).

In fact, in the future, Mary should ask me if I’m in trouble and abide by my ruling even I am in trouble (not that I’ve ever been in trouble; this is a good girl typing here).

“You know what,” Mary asked me, but it wasn’t really a question. “I paddled your bottom pretty hard, and it hardly fazed you. That tells me the next time you get in trouble, I’m gonna hafta up my game. Do you need a Kleenex to blow your nose?” And then she got up and started walking away to get the lotion.

“That’s not a good conclusion,” I called after her.

“Yes it is.” Aw. Touché. Dammit …

“And yes on the Kleenex … Thank you.”

She emerged in moments from the bathroom holding the lotion and the Kleenex. “We wouldn’t want you to not be able to breathe through my apology.”

“Definitely not … You should take your pants off or get a towel something.”

“Planning to make a mess on my thigh?”

“How else will I know you’re really sorry? And I am, too, virtuous.” I’m, like, all the virtues and stuff. Really.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it.” And she decided to take off her pants, which is awesome cuz that’s what I was hoping for. And poor Mary, I’ve rarely seen her so sorry.