Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 39

Jamie woke up in his crib feeling especially well rested. A bottle of water was there with him, and he drank without stopping until half of it was gone. As after every afternoon nap, he did his business knowing someone would be in soon to change him. As it very nearly always was, Amanda came in.

“Hey, buddy. Ya sleep good? You were out like a light.”

“Yeah, very good.” He still sounded sleepy, but he was just very relaxed after playing hard in the park and the mellowing little food. She lowered the rail and moved him to the changing table. She’d put socks on him before putting him down for his nap because his feet felt so cold, and now one was hanging off his foot. She had an evil idea. She buckled the straps over Jamie.

“Why’d you do that?” Neither she nor Becky had in a while.

Coyly, Amanda answered, “In case you squirm.”

Jamie felt a little offended by that comment. “I never squirm.”

“No, but you might today.” The sock came off, and Amanda went to town tickling his foot. Jamie did indeed squirm and laugh and beg and laugh till he cried. Amanda hadn’t done that to him in a while. Jamie had no objection.

“Now, let’s get you cleaned up.” Amanda went to work. “Can I ask you something, Jamie?”

“Sure.”

“At lunch today, when you said you sometimes feel infantilized, when that happens, how else does that make you feel?”

“Um, guess it depends on who’s doing it, and why. And how. Sometimes it’s nice to be taken care of. Other times, it feels like … people are belittling me, even if they don’t mean to.”

Amanda felt a little hollow space open up in her chest. “Do Mom or I ever make you feel belittled?”

“No! Not at all.”

“Ever?”

“Well … when I first got here, for a while. But not anymore. Maybe sometimes, for a bit, but I can’t even remember the last time.” He didn’t realize, as she was changing his diaper, that the very thing she was doing was exactly the kind of behavior he found most infantilizing when he first arrived. If he had realized how used to it he was getting, he would have been upset with himself.

But Amanda had been thinking about it for a while. She wasn’t sure she should bring it up. Her mother would probably be very upset if she did. But given what Jamie had said at lunch, it seemed like now was the time to rock the boat, even if it wasn’t a good time. Amanda asked herself before she spoke, who are you really responsible to? Jamie.

“You really do know when you need to use the bathroom, don’t you,” she asked.

“What?!? Are you kidding me? You knew!?!” Jamie in his indignation instinctively tried to sit up, but he was still strapped down.

“Yeah, well, for a while now.”

“Just how long is a while?”

“Uh … your second day here. No little can go as long as you did dry; I don’t even think a big could hold it that long without some serious pain. And you only ever have a poopy diaper at home, and almost always after your nap. No one is that regular.”

Jamie’s head was spinning. “FUCK! Why didn’t you say anything? I thought you were on my side!”

“I am … No, there are no sides. You, me, mom – we’re on the same team.”

“I. Am not. On Team. Diaper!”

“Look, it’s Mom’s decision. And besides …”

“Besides what? And you could have told her!”

“I’m not sure she’d have understood me any more than she understood you.”

“Yeah, but you could have tried!”

“I didn’t because …” She exhaled, expecting an unhappy response to what she was about to say. “I think they’re helping you.”

“How the fuck are they helping me?”

“Alright, buster. Language. One more F-bomb today and even I’ll put you in time out.”

“… Sorry …”

“You need to learn to trust people and give up control.”

“Of … my bowels?” His expression didn’t hide his incredulity and profound annoyance.

“No, you need to let yourself depend on others. Until you do, and let others help you, you’re never going to stop being Eric, somewhere in there,” she said, poking him gently on the temple. “And Eric was miserable. And giving up control, letting others help you, letting yourself depend on others and letting them show they love you – all that will help you get rid of the parts of Eric that made you so unhappy.”

Jamie didn’t reply. He folded his arms across his chest and thought about what she just said. He didn’t disagree with the goal or the means, but this specific form of the means – ugh!

Amanda waivered again in deciding what to say next. “Besides … I know you don’t hate it.”

“I do too!”

“No, you don’t. I see your potty face sometimes. You may be embarrassed and hate that, but you don’t hate the sensation.”

Jamie hadn’t considered he even had a ‘potty face.’ He wished she hadn’t told him; he was sure he’d be self-conscious about it now. But she was right, he knew, it didn’t feel so bad. Sometimes it even felt good. Only sometimes, he reminded himself.

“And it’s pretty obvious you do like this part of it … and not just the sensations.”

“What’s that mean?”

“That if we didn’t have this time together, you’d miss it.”

“…Yeah…”

“… And so would I … And anyway, I know it doesn’t feel so bad.”

“How the fff…” He stopped himself and took a breath. “How would you know?”

“Bedwetter.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Until five years ago.”

“As a teen …”

“Hey! little boys in dirty diapers shouldn’t throw shade, you little stink rat!”

“I didn’t mean …”

“I know. I’m just teasing.”

“So Becky doesn’t know?”

“Mom? Not a clue. Even if she wanted to believe it, and she definitely doesn’t, I’m not sure she could wrap her head around it.”

“How is that even possible? It’s like trying to explain calculus to a 10-year-old.” Jamie didn’t know 9-year-old bigs learned calculus in school. “Not even calculus. It’s like trying to explain the color blue to someone who already knows what blue is and can’t believe the blue thing you’re holding is blue. It’s fff … It’s bizarre. I’d say it’s impossible but .. but there it is!”

“No clue how it works. Littles and bigs, I guess.”

“But you get it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know why.”

“So you’ll try to explain it to her?”

“Well, that’s why I wanted to talk to you about it first. I’ll try, but only if you want me to.”

“Of course I want you to!”

“Do you? I want you to think about it for a couple days. Think about what we talked about. I’m sure this is helping you learn to trust us and let yourself depend on others, and I think you’re fine with it, even if you don’t want to admit it.”

Should she tell him this next part? “And … well, I like it this way too, with you. Our time together.” She could see him thinking that over in his mind; it didn’t look like he perceived it as a selfish statement. That was a great relief. “Will you think about it, at least for another day? After that, I’ll do whatever you want. If Mom can’t understand it, we’ll find a workaround. Promise.”

Jamie took in a deep breath, closed his eyes, and shook his head gently. “Fine. For you.”

Amanda was relieved to hear that. Never mind the logistical difficulties – there was no such thing as a little-sized public toilet. She did believe it was good for him, and she knew both of them would miss their conversations when he laid back for a change, the short intimate moments when he was vulnerable enough to talk about his feelings without her having to work so hard to get them out of him.

And Becky would probably be unable to understand it, which would undo all the good progress she and Jamie has made in their relationship. If by some miracle she did understand it, Amanda suspected she’d be very upset, like he was growing up, and she didn’t want him to grow up. She wanted to feel needed, and this was a way Becky did feel he needed her. Amanda thought she be unhappy to find out otherwise.

And Amanda knew that what Jamie needed was to grow down. Not a lot; just a little bit. Just enough to get to the point where he could let them take away his hurt.

“Also … you’re awfully stinkin’ cute in diapers … even to the point where I don’t mind having to do this. Lift up for me…”

Jamie lifted his hips and pondered.