Life Update - Art & Wellness

Hi guys! I wanted to write a little something about some stuff that's been going on with me in my life, specifically how it's been affecting my art and work in general. I often feel like I need to profusely apologize and thank everyone for their patience with me since I've been noticeably more absent from the internet for a little while now, and I figure instead of doing that again and again it's better that I just give an update on why that's the case and what things will look like for me going forward. 

If you're a patron who is just here for tutorials and resources then you're totally free to disregard this, I just wanted to write this for those of you who follow me for my artwork and comics, or anyone who has been wondering what's been going on with me in general.

Physical Health

Since November, I've been dealing with an ongoing health issue that has been extremely stubborn. I won't go into specifics for privacy's sake, but under normal circumstances it's something that most people can be treated for easily. But in my case it's been resisting almost every treatment I've been given (I'm at over 5 different prescriptions now, no luck yet) and gradually it's been chipping away at my health more and more. Some weeks I'd feel decent and others I'd feel miserable, but I was hopeful I could curb it into being at least manageable as long as I kept on top of it and did my part to stay active and healthy alongside taking medication. 

In the past week though, I had a sudden huge dip in my health unlike what I'd seen before and had to go be checked again by the doctor. Currently I'm on a medication with some really unpleasant side effects that frankly makes me more concerned than the root issue, but I have to persist for now and hope to come out at least a little better on the other side of it. It's been difficult to be optimistic after so many failed treatments, and not having any "normal" health days in a long time is a really bleak feeling. And being exhausted all the time doesn't help much either! But I'm determined to get to the bottom of this one way or another.

Mental Health & Burnout

Even though most of my physical woes started late 2021, admittedly I've been struggling with my mental health since at least early 2020. Even though I already worked from home prior to the pandemic, there was definitely a shift in my mental health during that time when things were first becoming scary and uncertain for everyone. For the first time in my life I suddenly was hit with major artistic burnout. I could do art for work just fine, in fact I started to prefer doing commissions and comic work above personal art because it came with "instructions" and that took some of the pressure off my brain in the face of the art block. I shifted my personal freetime away from doing art and focused on other interests because I hoped it would give me inspiration, but instead it just made me even less motivated to draw.

Fast forward and now it's early 2022. Admittedly, not a lot has changed in this area. Sometimes I really struggle with the idea that maybe I've forgotten how to draw for fun... it's a weird feeling for sure, when you've been an artist your whole life and drawing means so much to you. I don't mean to make it sound as though I don't get any satisfaction or joy out of doing comic work and commissions, because I absolutely do - in fact, I'm so grateful to have those outlets so I can still be creative in spite of my mental health issues. I don't know if I could ever NOT be an artist in some way. But when I try to make art for fun these days, I find myself way too hung up on whether I can trump my previous works or if my ideas are any good to begin with, and ultimately it paralyzes me. When I do manage to sketch, I feel too embarrassed to post it anywhere and just delete it or tuck it away somewhere to forget about it.

All that to say, I haven't been posting much art in a while, and I don't know when that'll change. If you're someone following me for my illustration work then I know that's probably really disappointing. It disappoints me too - so much so that I feel bad even posting regular text posts anywhere, so instead I've made myself pretty scarce online.

The Future

As much as things are stacked against me right now, there are some good things coming VERY soon that I'm eager to share with everybody when the time is right. I'm really hoping the momentum from that exciting news will be a push in the right direction for me, and that you guys will like it since I've been working hard on it!

And I'm going to really push hard to reclaim my love of drawing for fun. I think it'd be nice to go back to my roots a little and do some character designing again - I've wanted to try my hand at making free-to-use D&D character designs, so maybe that'll be my next step in the road to recovery.

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I wanted to say a huge, massive, enormous thank you to everybody who has stuck with me all this time in spite of everything. When I feel self doubt and anxiety creeping in, I'm reminded that there are kind people who value me and what I create, and that helps me push through to another day. I really don't know what the future holds for me and it's scary, but all I can do is push forward and do my best!

For anybody out there who's also struggling with mental or physical health issues affecting their art, you are not alone! We will get through this and live to see another peaceful, creative day!!!

- Zack (VAMPBYTE)