(ARTICLE) The Ethos Of Womanhood (Part 3/6): Understanding Boundaries

What are boundaries?  

Boundaries are the guidelines,  rules, or  limits  created  by  a  person  to determine the appropriate, safe, and acceptable  way  for  others  to  get along with them and to maintain a limit of respect for oneself.

Signs you struggle with boundaries 

• You  prioritise the needs and  feelings  of others.
• You feel confused and irritated
• You  believe  that  putting  boundaries  is immoral
• You  believe  that  setting  boundaries  will destroy a relationship

Submission is a trait from a quality woman, but  it should  not  be  demanded,  it  should  be flourished in a good environment. 

Especially with society’s view of how women 'should be', we were taught to never say ‘NO’ because that was 'rude'.   

Some  women  with  low  levels  of discrimination  don’t  know  what  is  good  for them  and  what  is  bad  for  them so they lack the ability to say yes and no, under certain circumstances. 

It’s important to know that people-pleasing is literally the worst thing you can do to yourself and your health. 

That brings you frustration and is like a feedback mechanism. This leads  to  a  destructive  relationship,  not  a productive one.

Most women feel  a  need  to  nurture  and explain. 

They struggle with being assertive and not being  straightforward  at  times  of  need,  just because they don’t want to hurt others feelings.   

It is very important to consider yourself first and not others.

These things happen due to their childhood which determines  the  way these women interact  in  relationships, even as adults. 

They've  been deeply programmed in many ways since they were young. If something looks different from  what  they are  used  to, they can  use  defence mechanisms  to  keep  themselves  in  the subconscious  zone  .e.g.  Pushing  people  away.

Remember -  lack of boundaries will keep the wrong people close to you

What are the consequences to a lack of lack boundaries?

• You will not be able to express yourself and your needs correctly.

 • You will be easily used by others.

• You will not be respected by society.

•  You  will  choose  and  please  wrong people in hope of love.

• In the later years of life, you will become a bitter, resentful and negative woman.

• Your  son  and  daughter  will  learn  the same thing and will go through the same path of suffering just like you.

• Your  own  personal  truth  will  be invalidated,  again  and  again
•  You  will violate  yourself,  deny  yourself,  and  you will no longer believe in yourself.

So,  choose  the  person  you  want  to  be every  day  and  choose  the  best  for yourself  otherwise  it  will  cost  you  your life.

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES

1. Physical.

These are your personal rules and limits on physical contact and personal space. You  need  to  know  what  is  appropriate  and what is inappropriate in different  situations and types of relationships. Physical  boundaries are violated by unwanted  personal  touch or invasion  of others in your personal space.

2.  Emotional.

 These are related  to  your feelings, mood and emotional intelligence. This includes restrictions on when personal feelings and information can and cannot be shared. Emotional  boundaries are violated when someone belittles and validates or criticises your emotions.

3.  Materials

These refer to possessions and money. Healthy boundaries  involve  setting rules and limits on what you’ll share and with whom  e.g.  it  might  be  appropriate  to  lend your family member your car but maybe not someone just met last month.

Material  boundaries  are  violated  when someone misuses, steals, does not give back, damages your possessions or when  they  pressure  you into  giving  them  or  lending  them  your property.

4. Time 

This refers to how a person uses their time to have a healthy time frame. A  person  needs  to  set  rules  and boundaries  for  their  time. Including  work, relationships, and hobbies. 

Time  boundaries  are  violated  when  YOU let  other  people  waste  your  time  and ultimately your productivity of the day.

5.  Sexual  

This  includes the physical, intellectual and emotional aspects of sex. Healthy  sexual  boundaries  involve  a mutual understanding between partners and respect for each other’s desires and limitations.  

Sexual  boundaries  are  violated  with unwanted touch, comments and pressure to engage in sexual acts.

SOLUTIONS

Healthy boundaries exist to keep you happy and are  non  resistant  to  nature.  

Therefore, they  are  not  about controlling,  they’re  entirely  about  defining  you personally and following your individual sense of happiness, desires and personal truth.  

They are a state of self-awareness, self-love and integrity.  

Healthy  boundaries  are  most  important.  

It  is  a learning process first to set them and thereafter to maintain them. You  need  to  know  these  two  things  before setting boundaries:

 1. Be aware of your emotions and learn to express them.  Understand your emotions, instead of neglecting them. 

Ask yourself frequently, 

how am I feeling right now and why? 

If you suppress your emotions every time, you will get sick. It will suppress your immune system and develop a disease over time.   Therefore,  you  should  not  hide  your  feelings,
whether  it  is  sadness,  anger,  happiness  or unhappiness,  this  is  normal  and  it’s  okay  to express it.

2. No one will create boundaries for you, IT’S YOUR JOB.  

Setting  boundaries  is  part  of  expressing  to  the other  person  who  you  are  as  a  person.  

It  will maintain  authenticity  and  will  strengthen  your relationships.  Therefore, focus on how you feel and depending on that, you can say yes or no.  

There  are  always  people  who  criticise  you  and want you to drag it down. 

It depends on you, how you react to those fake and unvalued statements 

.If you have boundaries, you will not let their words affect your emotions  and  thought  process  but  if you fail to do so, you will give them access to come and play with your emotions.

You  are   responsible  for  what’s happening with you.

On the other hand, if you are a person who is used to victimising, blaming, and criticising others then. 

By doing this you are only cursing  your  own health, you will always feel drained out of energy, your immunity against negativity will reduce with time  and  your  digestion  ability  of  truth  will become null. Therefore,  protect  yourself  from  all  dramas  that involve  physical,  mental,  emotional  or  verbal abuse.

Key things to put into practice:

- You must say NO without feeling guilty.
-   You must be treated with respect. 

- You  need  to  make  your  own  needs  as important as the needs of others.
- You  must  accept  your  mistakes  and failures.
- You  have  a  right  to  NOT  meet  other’s unreasonable expectations of you

- Start  doing  a  self-care  routine  and  be consistent with it.

- Start to write down in your journal, how you  feel  every  day,  what’s  going  on,  pay attention  to  yourself,  and  understand yourself. 

Once  you  begin  to  define  your rights  and  choose  to  believe  in them,  it  will  be  easier  for  you  to respect  them.  

you  will  no  longer waste  your  energy  to  please others.

If you follow these steps regularly, you  will  feel  confident  in  almost all areas of your life.  You  will  trust  yourself  more  and will start to love and give respect to yourself more.  You will become self-aware about your  subconscious  stories  that were  really  hurting  you  and holding you back.

How to set healthy boundaries

First, create a goal. 

When setting the boundary,  creating  the  goal  is  as important  as  setting  the  boundary itself,  because  the  goal  will  show what  your  commitment  is  directed towards. 

Therefore, find out why you need  to  set  a  boundary  in  a particular relationship.

State

You  need  to  respect  yourselves  and  for  that, you must clearly state to others to avoid misuse of your authenticity. 

Therefore, make sure that your boundaries are clear to others. 

If you merge your boundaries  with  somebody  else’s,  it  will become  soft  and  in  return,  you  will  become vulnerable.  So,  Learn  to  operate  under  all  types  of pressure.  

Change  boundaries  based  on observable  behaviour,  NOT  based  on  your emotions.

 Maintain

Relationship dynamics change over time, so it is important to maintain your boundaries. 

Don't move  people  from  one  status  to  another  too quickly, such as converting an acquaintance to a friend in just one day. 

Some people initially start  off  respecting  boundaries  and  then become more manipulative over time.  so, continue to exercise healthy boundaries in every established relationship.

BOUNDARY GOALS

Know your value and true worth before you communicate it to anyone. What you think is what you act. 

Communicate and speak, even when it gets hard and inconvenient. 

This will help you filter out the compatibility with  that  person.  Sometimes  boundaries  are blurred and relationships deteriorate. You have to check it, to make sure the boundaries live up. 

The best way to set boundaries is to explain them logically,  rather  than  expressing  them through your emotional out bursts.  Try  not  to  REACT

Pause and pick out how to respond to the situation.

State  the  consequences,  such  as  reward positive  behaviour / Make a barrier  for  the person who hurt you.

Be  responsible  for  your  words  and  actions. And similarly, ask others to talk their opinions. This will help you avoid justification or excuse someone’s bad behaviour.

Healthy  boundaries  in  a  relationship are:

"Never cheat, in case you do, this may happen."

 
"If we’ve got kids, we can never argue  front  of  them  otherwise  this  may happen."

 
"Never disrespect  me  in public or this may happen"

 If you have children, they will  learn  from  you,  what healthy  relationships  and  boundaries are. 

In case you lack them, they’ll also lack  them  until  they  grow  up  to  learn better. 

If you argue constantly and undermine your  partner  around  your  children they’ll  learn  that  they  don’t  have  to obey or respect the other parent. 

The way you treat your partner is how your  children  will  learn  to  treat  theirs, this does not come out of thin air. Your kids seeing a confrontation is fine, 

screaming and domestic disputes? No.

Because you become a product of what your parents  lack  at  that  age.

This really offers clear ideas on communication and boundaries. 

 Women are characterised by self-confidence and self-dignity.  

Boundaries attract the right people towards you.  Don’t  invite  people  to  disregard  your needs.  

Boundaries  are  critical,  they  are healthful and natural.   

There  is  a  boundary  between  the  sea  and land. You cannot just go into the water and expect  the  same  circumstances  as  dry  land.

There’s  a  boundary  between  the  sidewalks and the roadway. 

If boundaries exist in nature, they should also be created and maintained in  the  physical  world,  why  should  you  be embarrassed to set them emotionally? 

This is a part of life and part of healthy living. Don't  permit  other people's  drama to influence  you.  

Don't  be  attracted  by  their crazy chaos or drama.

Till next time.