Subs Receive As Much As We Give

I’ve been in the scene for years, but I still can’t wield a flogger. Mostly, I just rush at kink with my brain in my vagina. I’m not one of those subs who can handle a bullwhip. I’ve never picked up a hitty thing unless it was to pack it away. I have no idea how to tie a futo, let alone a fisherman’s knot. This is not the recommended approach to BDSM. New subs are supposed to do some topping so that we can grasp BDSM from all angles.

I’d rather give away all my cupcakes.

I’m baffled by sadists. I’m profoundly grateful for your willingness to tie me up and torture me (Thank you. Have a cupcake), but I don’t know how you find it in yourselves to hurt willing subjects. The idea of it terrifies me. What if I went too far? How would I cope with the guilt when the tears started falling? When would I cross the bridge between Evil Me and Gentle Me? Would I ever find my way back or do they nuke the bridge as soon as you reach the other side?

What if I discovered that I was more Hannibal Lector than E Edward Grey?

What if I never found my way out?

If I were to top, I’d have to develop enough discipline to create my own Ottoman army. I’d have to learn a whole new level of self-knowledge and achieve enough mindfulness to switch from sadistic to supportive in under a second. Worst of all, I’d have to gaze into my own abyss.

And you know what happens when you do that: The abyss gazes also into you. Could I face my own inner monster without becoming it? I’m not so sure. That’s why the idea of topping terrifies me.

We speak so much about the gift of submission that we rarely have time to consider the gifts of dominance. Our ethical sadists have to do enough mental gymnastics to win an Olympian medal, but we take that as given. As expected. As called for.

So your sadist can face his own abyss and return with hugs and blankets in tow? So what? Isn’t that something we’re entitled to?

Of course, we all deserve to be treated with ethical compassion, but that doesn’t explain why we rarely acknowledge the self-knowledge and courage required to top someone. That’s to say nothing of the vulnerability sadists display when they pack all their scariest kinks out on a shelf. That’s not the sort of thing we like to associate with our sadists. We prefer to think of them as James-Bondesque humanoids made entirely of marine grade carbon steel.

Maybe our wonderful sadists think their vulnerability is unique to them; that they’re flawed for requiring courage; that other tops don’t struggle with their own black clouds. 

Maybe the truth doesn’t fit our fantasies.

Maybe we’re so focused on what we give that we fail to notice what we receive. Whatever our reasons, it’s about time we started acknowledging that submission’s so-called gifts aren’t as unique as we make out. We receive as much as we give. 

(1)  Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil