Shame and Suicide Are Intricately Linked

Every now and then, I receive messages from suicidal readers. When I try to point them to a doctor or friend who’s made out of cells instead of pixels, the person who was desperate for help just a second ago dials it back to, “No. I’ll be fine.” Wild horses couldn’t drag them out of their isolation even in a crisis.

I’ve been that person. When I was depressed, asking for help felt like the darkest sin. If I was coping, I had no trouble picking up the phone to arrange a night out, but if I was struggling, I felt I had to manage alone. It was less about not wanting to be a burden than it was about shame: I didn’t want anyone to know I was suicidal. The only way I was going to talk openly was with someone who’d been in the same position, but such people were scarce. Maybe they were too ashamed to speak about it, too. Our culture of silence strands us.

When I ultimately sought treatment, I was taught to ask for help, even for the little things. It was like walking uphill through mud, but I did it. My heart jumped into my throat every time.

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, the things I needed help with stopped being so little. I shattered utterly. The first time I let a friend see me in that state, she sat with me in complete silence. We sat... and sat—me feeling the most agonising pain of my life, and her holding that space as though it was made of precious jewels.

That day was a revelation. I saw how isolated my silence and shame had made me so many years before my mother's death.

I made a new friend a couple of months ago who doesn’t hesitate to accept help. It’s refreshing to meet someone who accepts support so easily without becoming an energy vampire. Seeing loved ones struggle but refuse help is the true burden.

When you’re suicidal, you deserve the help of someone who can hold space for you as though you’re made of precious jewels, because you are. And when you ask for help, you’re probably doing more for the person you’ve asked than you are for yourself.