The Pearly Gate to BDSM Wisdom

I joined Fetlife at around the four-million-member mark. Everywhere I looked, there were kinky people who knew all the intricacies of BDSM. I thought that, within a few years, I would be the same. I’d be able to explain the difference between SSC and RACK. I’d know how to submit, who to trust, and how to remain unharmed. When 2019 arrived, I would be That Person Who Knew Everything About Kink.

2019 arrived, and I didn’t know much more than I did in 2015. Sure, I knew what SSC and RACK were, but I wasn’t all that clear about the difference. I can’t tell you anything new about remaining unharmed because I’d learned how to listen to my body years ago. I can’t lecture you about how to submit or who to trust because the best way to find out is to know and value yourself. I’d learned that lesson long before I created my Fetlife username.

Value yourself. That’s not going to win any philosophy prizes. Even the most rudimentary philosophers would never spout such clichés. I spout them anyway, not because they’re original, but because so many kink newbies think they have to learn new ways to kink safely. There’s a special body of knowledge. You can only access it by answering the riddle that unlocks The Secret Pearly Gate to BDSM Wisdom. None shall pass until they’ve been suspended 5066 times. None shall enter until they’ve learned how to wield a flogger with finesse.

And there isn’t a gate. Sure, you want to learn the technicalities of your kinks, whether they involve rope, fire, and impact play. Beyond that, though, there are just the lessons of your childhood: how to be kind to yourself, how to behave when mom won’t get you chocolate, how to ask permission before you touch your friend’s doll. There isn’t much that’s new here. You just have to put old lessons into a new, kink-based framework. Our values are pretty much what our parents taught us as teens.

If you grew up in a healthy home, you were taught how to honour yourself, and that, right there, is the most important thing you’ll ever learn about BDSM. If your parents were evolved, they would also have taught you to keep asking questions, to be honest with yourself and others, to ignore your sense of entitlement.

Back before I was SpanishRed, I thought I could only submit if I was willing to give up my values, but I already knew all I would ever know about the psychological side of kink. I had my values. BDSM just required me to honour them better.