How to Talk to Someone with Clinical Depression

When you’re depressed, doctors will tell you to talk about it. Being mirrored by another human is one of the most effective ways to speed up your recovery. The trouble is that few people know how to talk to depressed people. I have advice, so welcome to my Ted Talk. Please turn off your phones.

Don’t assume they want solutions from you.

Being depressed doesn’t annihilate your life skills. Depression patients are usually more knowledgeable about coping with mood disorders than normals, not less. Unless your human explicitly asks for advice, assume they are speaking to you purely because

they need to feel less alone.

Don’t tell them to find a doctor or therapist. They probably have one already.
Don’t tell them to try meds. They’ve probably tried them all.
Don’t tell them to find a better job and see more friends. They’ve usually been juggling lifestyle factors for so long they could run their own depression hotline.

When they speak to you,

They just want to feel less lonely.

Unsolicited advice makes people feel more lonely because they’ve not been heard or understood.

Know how to detect suicidal ideation

Suicidal ideation evolves. In the words of the great Anne Sexton, initially the patient asks, “Why die?” In the end, they ask, “Which tools?” If your human has already picked a suicide method, psychiatrists will diagnose them as “actively suicidal”. This constitutes a medical emergency. The patient should be given urgent care and… (get ready for the red text)

removed if they live alone.

You wouldn’t leave a bleeding, unconscious person alone in their home, and actively suicidal people are figuratively bleeding and unconscious. Intervention is imperative. Please ask your human how they intend to kill themselves. It’s the easiest way to find out how urgently they need care.

Try not to use their spoons.

It can be exhausting to talk to normals about depression because being a burden uses up a lot of spoons. Of course, it’s also difficult to support someone who’s depressed. Nobody is entitled to your help, but if you do choose to support someone with severe depression, you need support, too. Find an outlet for processing your feelings. Don’t process them with someone who is actively suicidal, especially while they are trying to be heard. They will feel guilty and ashamed. These two emotions are…

intensely isolating.

They’re like feeding burgers to someone who just had a heart attack.

Don’t shame them for their suicidal feelings.

On 9/11, people jumped to their deaths to escape a fire. In ordinary circumstances, we can call jumping out of buildings a poor decision, but when you’re choosing not to burn to death, their actions are easier to understand. Taylor Mali wrote, “Depression, too, is a kind of fire.” We want to save lives, but fighting suicidal ideation with logic won’t achieve that. Suicidal people are convinced that the fire will never stop burning. They don’t need rationalisations.

They need to be less alone.

Take them seriously. Don’t assume they are weak.

Depression is not a kind of weakness. It’s a kind of fire. If you see it as a weakness, your depressed human will pick it up, which will make them feel judged and (drum roll)

alone.

Depression has physiological causes. It changes the way you see the world irrevocably, so you can’t cure hopelessness with logic. If you’re a layperson, you can only address hopelessness by…

removing isolation and shame.

Please look back at all the bold text in this post. Depression patients are asking less of you than you think. You don’t have to solve their crisis, but sharing space with them without expectation is one of the most powerful ways to help them survive.