My submission was just the trash my sense of worthlessness kept throwing out the window.

As a sub, I have two conflicting needs:

* To listen to my body’s inability to continue.

* To make my top happy.

When faced with cognitive dissonance, the human mind becomes desperate for one thing: to resolve the dissonance. We do this by reducing the importance of one dissonant belief in order to restore consistency. Rationality need not be a part of that process. For some reason, the human brain cares more about resolving dissonance than it does in coming to a logical conclusion, so if you ever run into two opposing beliefs, here comes trouble.

Guess which of my two subly needs I usually reduce the importance of? Number two obviously, because:

* I’m a sub. Duh.

* I have the self-esteem of a mollusk

* I’m the most dedicated people pleaser you’ve ever met. Can I get you a cappuccino? What about a house? Here, you can have mine. No problem.

* I have a penchant for codependency.

* I place no value on my needs in a BDSM context.

* I can’t tell the difference between masochism and self-harm-by-dominant.

As you can see, I’ve thought about this issue a whole lot. That’s because all six of the abovementioned points have landed me in a whole world of shit. I can thus tell you that codependent, people-pleasing subs with the self-esteems of mollusks are incapable of sustaining healthy D/s dynamics.

D’you know what happens when you want to please your partner more than you want to protect yourself? You ultimately don’t please them at all because you will eventually annihilate a relationship they cherished.

Subs must develop character traits that fly in the face of our deepest desire: to give and serve. This is totally possible. No really. Just listen. All you need to do is place your needs ahead of your top’s while simultaneously placing their needs ahead of your own. Is that a problem?

Okay, so that’s never going to work. Subs will usually place their tops’ needs first, It’s an inherent part of our nature. Some dominants think they can trick us into valuing our needs by telling us it’s our duty to our tops. It sounds clever. Maybe it’ll even work for some of you, but don’t try that sneaky shit with me. It will never, ever work. I am just too committed to my own wreckage.

If you’re the same as me, I have these solutions:

1. I don’t fucking know.

2. I still don’t fucking know.

3. Oh, fuck it. I’ll just get therapy.

I really did “just get therapy”. I’ve been working on my self-esteem for six or seven years. Rather than making me a more self-caring sub, it eradicated my desire to be a sub at all. These days, I’m more of a bottom, which tells you one rather important thing: My submission was just the trash my sense of worthlessness kept throwing out the window.

Not all submission is pathological, but if you struggle with your safe words, I am asking you to consider it as a possibility. D/s is a profound and challenging dynamic. It magnifies our flaws tenfold, the deeper you sink into your power exchange, the bigger they grow. If you ever feel yourself swinging between two dissonant ideas, shove all your logic in there. Resolve it rationally and thoughtfully. This is totally possible. No really. Just listen.