If Men Were Crocodiles

Woman: There are three Nile crocodiles between me and the doorway. Please help!

Alan: Have you tried calming down?

Woman: What?

Alan: Your problem is you’re feeling too anxious, so calm your tits and you’ll be fine. Ask me. I feel perfectly calm in my croc-free house.

Woman: My feelings aren’t the problem. The crocodiles are. Fuck. One of them just bit my hand off.

Alan: I don’t care what our sex, race, or gender is, it’s going to feel a bit uncomfortable being the outlier in your house. I was once uncomfortable in a bar full of women, so I ordered a Gin and Tonic and drank quietly until my friends showed up.

Are you suggesting that if I order a G&T, these crocs will disappear?

Alan: It’s always worked for me.

Have you ever had crocs in your house?

Alan: Nope.

Then why do you think a G&T is going to help.

Alan: Because I was once on a date that was scary, and a G&T fixed everything. The key is to be respectful of your surroundings. Anyway, you keep saying negative things about crocs. It’s offensive. Crocs are people, too.

One of those crocs just took my entire arm off. Could you please help?

Alan: Not all crocs bite arms off.

Perhaps, but this croc bit my arm off, and that croc bit my hand off.

Alan: You seem to have a troubling lack of trust in crocodiles.

They seem to have a habit of biting my limbs off.

Alan: I’ve always felt safe, so you clearly need to resolve these feelings in therapy.

You clearly need a visit to a 18th century asylum.

Alan: See, this kind of emotional outburst is the reason crocs bite.

Woman: 😶

Alan: You’re bigoted about crocodiles.

It’s not bigotry if they literally eat you one limb at a time.

Alan: Six crocs are falsely accused of biting arms off every year.

(bleeds)

Alan: I mean women can be just as dangerous as crocodiles sometimes.

This doesn’t solve my immediate situation, which is the fact that a croc just bit off my leg.

Alan: You should stop saying “crocs” and start saying “some crocs.” Not all crocs bite.

You really want to talk about word usage right now?

Alan: Definitely. We must help crocs to feel more comfortable.

(Bleeds some more)

Alan: Women are capable of violence, too, you know.

(crickets)

Alan: Hello?

(crickets)

Alan: Ever been a croc that’s been falsely accused of biting humans? That’s real fear.

(Still crickets)

Alan: Are you dead?

(Even more crickets)

Alan: See, if women would stop dying every time a croc attacked them, people would feel a lot more positive about crocs.