How to Attend Your First Munch

Munches are peaceful, nonsexual events where kinksters can talk about their careers, hobbies, and how to fuck a slave with a pineapple and other miscellaneous fruit without causing a yeast infection. This is how you do it:

• Find a munch by perusing the events in your area.

• Check the list of attendees to see if someone you don’t want to see might be going, especially that asshole who sent you an 800-word piece of smut about “stuff I want to do to your sphincter.”

• Click the convenient “I’m Going” button.

• Make a list of people you really wouldn’t want to meet at a kink event: Your first-grade math teacher, for instance, or the local pastor and your gran, especially if they’re attending as a couple.

• Soothe your terror with a tumbler full of whiskey and click the “Not Going” button.

• Swallow a second tumbler of whiskey and flick the “I’m Gowing” grutton agen.

• Gaan. Have anuzzer tumbler, then fleach your doggo the YMCA waring nothing but a fig leef.

• So flun!

• When you’re sober, choose an outfit. Think sexy yet boring in a casual, yet formal way. You want to look scorchingly hot, but easy to ignore if the company turns out to be crap.

• Obviously the most important rule of a munch is the policy about not picking up men. Munches are for having platonic conversations about anal sex and pussy spanking, and not for anything sexual. We firmly believe in creating a safe environment for noobs, so we prefer people not to date anyone they meet at our munch.

• We also like to encourage burgeoning relationships so, by all means, feel free to shag any of the people you meet at the munch. Just make sure that sex is not sexual as munches are 100% platonic.

• When you seat yourself at the munch, we encourage you to turn off your cell phone, but only if you would like to. We value consent, but if a mobile phone rings, Mabel will throw the offending device at the head of its owner before setting the table on fire. Again, only turn your phone of if you honestly feel like it.

• You really should feel like it, though, because Mabel does 50 reps a day.

• We encourage individuality, so you may order any drink you wish as long as it’s not vodka or tequila or any hardtack. Also stay away from wine and beer. We’re not decided on whether espresso is a mind-altering substance, so for now, coffee is banned. Energy drinks, too. If you drink a lot of water, we will assume you’re into piss play and will accuse you of being sexual at a munch. Absolutely anything else is great, though. We want you to feel autonomous.

• Okay, so this is upsetting. Apparently Mabel has started her own munch. As I said, your autonomy is important to us, but so is risk awareness. And if Mabel could throw phones half as hard as I can, she’d be Serena Williams.