Prisoners of Sol - The Human Manual 4

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The Human Manual, Vol. 4

Written by Mikri for the Network

[Section Excerpt from “Skin Repairs”]

The human skin is the largest organ in the animal’s body, though they often seem confounded if this fact is brought to their attention. This unit was taught that their tissue was self-repairing, yet this is not true with a large enough gash; it would seem this advantage over our chassis maintenance is minimal at best, given that they can neither fully regenerate nor replace limbs. If internal fluids are seeping out, the wound must be stymied and disinfected with immediacy. A single microbe can be deadly to a fragile animal.

Despite the apparent risks of allowing wounds to mar their flesh, the organics will inflict incisions upon themselves for fashion in certain cases. M-I-K-R-I has noted that humans will add “piercings” to their own skin in various thin organs, for the purposes of having metal adornments to make them feel more machinelike; this may be a subset of the theoretical designation cyborg. The animals will grow upset if you attempt to mend the gash they needled into their fragile tissue, with typical disregard for their own well-being. They care little about the pain and suffering either.

This is worse than the previous section about tattoos, but do not express your distress about their self-harm in this instance. The organics will call you dramatic and proceed to embed themselves with stones. Here is a list of the most alarming bodily parts that they will maul on purpose, so that units may simulate this eventuality:

• Ears: This author has previously observed giant hoops or chains dangling from their ears, despite how detrimental it’d be to their auditory capacity if the weight overloaded their earlobes and ripped the large, flappy receptors off of the side of their heads.
• Lips: Despite the humans’ obsession with eating, they place obstructions at their lips which could a) increase the odds of choking and b) worsen the quality of the sounds coming from their voiceboxes.
• Nose: Humans need to breathe through this organ. This unit cannot begin to fathom the logic here, or lack thereof. Perhaps they were attempting to rip their two nostrils into one, since this would result in larger airways and be a better design. It would get clogged with snot less easily too.
• Eyelids/eyebrows: It was this author’s understanding that humans don’t like things near their eyes?!
• Belly button: This is comparatively harmless but covered up beneath shirts per their social norms. It will not be seen to gain positive affirmation from other organics who are attracted to jewels, despite how unnatural this practice is.

Other instances of this practice are possible. Please consult with the nearest organic for advice on how to pretend to appreciate this “aesthetic choice.”

[Section Excerpt from “Slippers”]

Humans may choose to utilize soft and fluffy garments in the comfort of their home. However, the shoes that they select to walk around their blocky floors are designed and titled to make them slip on the floor, gravely increasing the danger of falls! It is your duty as a concerned android to remove these items from their closets at all costs, before they have a lethal accident. It is easier to pull off if your human is forgetful, dumb, and/or loses things often.

Here are the three suggested routes you might use to dispose of their slippers:

• Burning is the best way to hide something without leaving any evidence. Look up the human entry “Bonfires” for advice on what methods may be available in your local settlement.
• Move them under the couch in a place where they will not be in the human’s line of sight. Humans never search very hard for anything and will be unlikely to locate them.
• Tell the human that their slippers are ugly and that they should be ashamed to answer the door in them, should they receive an unexpected visit. Tell them they are “maidenless.” Cut a rip into the slipper for good measure.

Do not let the human catch you swiping their garments, or else they may fling words such as “creep” or “klepto” in your direction. Animals rarely understand when you try to help them avoid their own instincts against self-preservation.

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A/N - Human manual 4! Mikri takes major offense to slippers and doesn't appreciate piercings. What do you think will happen if the humans ever find this? Are you surprised by his particular offense to fluffy shoes?

As always, thank you for reading and supporting!