Hypergamy isn't What You Think It Is in the Kink Scene

Men often remind me of hypergamy when I write about male dating woes. They tell me the dating scene is perpetrating a great injustice; that women are far too selective about their partners, so we’re effectively rendering 80% of men celibate. They’re utterly certain that if we’re not shagging them, we must be shagging someone hotter. They define “hotter” by their own values rather than ours: We’re choosing wealthy, buff, classically handsome men who own two dogs and a white picket fence. Jack can’t get anyone to swipe right on his pictures because he owns neither dogs nor a fence. He’s been single for nine months because women are dating above their social class.

Welcome to hypergamy—A kind of sexual selection that’s (supposedly) forcing 100% of women to fight over 20% of the world’s best men.

I have my doubts about the veracity of this concept in human biomes (see how sciencey that sounded? I want applause. Thank you.) But that’s an argument for a different day. On this day, I’m using completely fake science to prove hypergamy in the kink scene while ‘splaining why it doesn’t exist.

If that sentence confused you, you’re clearly not scientific enough for this post and should go read Darwin instead.

Let’s get started: On hypergamous Tinder, women (supposedly) choose ripped, rich men. The kink scene is… oh… just a little bit different. Take H. He’s in his late Sixties and has a dad bod. He does, nonetheless, collect a queue of women at every event. Rumour has it he once earned a blowjob for his stellar flogging talents, and there’s the rub: H owns a glorious collection of floggers and some exceptional flogging skills. He’s also trustworthy, gentle, and kind.

H might not get by on Tinder, but in the kink biome, he’s doing just fine. So is G. He’s never seen the inside of a gym, and he only has enough wealth for a cappuccino, but he’s ropey! One day, he climbed onto YouTube and began a learning journey that continues to this day, so he’s cherished in Cape Town circles. Rumour has it he gives the best hugs on the planet, and if you meet him, you’ll understand why.

This kind of faux hypergamy happens on a global scale. B, for example, is a 60-something top who spent 20 years learning rope. When I visited him in Missoula, he spent every second night tying a queue of his favourite women, and I’ll tell you why. If you’ve been in the BDSM scene long enough, you learn that there is nothing as valuable as trust. Ferraris? <ptuey> Eight-pack abs? <ugh> Can he give a good hug? Does he do aftercare? And can we trust him to keep us safe until the end of the scene? That’s what you learn to look for if you’re a straight bottom in the kink scene.

There is certainly a gaggle of women overcrowding the ripped, wealthy men in the community. It’d be disingenuous to suggest otherwise, but I strongly advise you to call that phenomenon self-selection. Do you really want a woman who chooses partners based on their bank accounts? No? Then the trash took itself out.

My point is that the kink scene overturns hypergamy, and most men have the capacity to become one of the top 20%. All you need are some kink skills and a good heart. And you need to show that heart. That’s the hard part, especially if you believe you inhabit the bottom 80%.

There’s no such thing as "The Bottom 80%", but if there was, maybe it would be time to reassess your value as a human being. That’s what kinky women want: humane values, gentle souls, and, perhaps, some kinky skills.