Emergency

[6 word request: Humiliated Paramedic Gets Revenge on Partner]

Troy offered half his burrito across the ambulance cab to his partner Lonnie, who stared stiffly ahead, refusing to acknowledge the gift. “You know you’re mad at me for something I can’t help,” Troy argued, but Lonnie just rolled his eyes, driving the ambulance through the intersection. He pulled over to the shoulder and put it into park.

“God damn do I wish we had something to do today,” Lonnie said, punching the steering wheel. He turned to stare out the window, his hand drumming on his leg. Troy settled back into his seat, finishing his burrito in awkward silence. Normally the two EMTs didn’t mind the slow days; he and Lonnie could usually entertain each other through the space between calls, and they got paid for basically palling around. But with Lonnie giving him the cold shoulder, it was going to be a long day.

Things had gone awry when Lonnie started digging through his girlfriend’s phone. She had requested “a break” and made plans to move out of their apartment. After two years, Lonnie was heartbroken. He knew there had to be more of a reason than what she had offered, that she needed to, “do some soul-searching on my own.”

So Lonnie went through her phone while she was in the shower. He found no incriminating text messages, no scandalous DMs, no e-mails from guys Lonnie didn’t know about. He did, however, find a private folder of pics of Troy snapped from his instagram account.

“Look,” Troy began as he chomped back the last of his burrito. “Let’s just have it out, bro. So your girlfriend has pics of me. It’s not like I gave them to her!” He once again offered his phone for Lonnie’s inspection, but his partner waved him away.

“If you think it’s just that,” Lonnie began after a long pause, “then you’re missing the big picture. You’re just… a real hard person to be around, Troy. And not just your gassiness because you eat food 24/7.”

Troy shrugged his wide shoulders as he swallowed back a burp. Their beeper suddenly lit up. They stared at each other silently before Troy picked it up. “So we have a call on Chestnut Street,” Troy relayed to Lonnie. He handed the beeper over. “You feel like opening up about what you’re driving at while we’re on our way over?”

“We’re working,” Lonnie said, slapping the beeper down and starting up the ambulance.

Troy had dealt with his buddies’ jealousy of his looks since he was a young kid. In sixth grade, his best friend tried to smash his face in with a bat because Janessa Valdez--his best friend’s crush--had written a love letter to him. Luckily, Troy was already an athlete even at that young age, and was able to snatch the bat away and restrain his frenemy.

In high school, he’d been voted, “Most Likely to Steal Your Girl,” and while that wasn’t Troy’s style, rumor had it that the cheerleaders had a pool going to see who could fuck him first. His first girlfriend’s mom even made a pass at him after too many glasses of wine.

Troy had always been a stunning-looking guy with dark skin and amazing dimples, with a natural athleticism that let him pack his body with nicely shaped muscle easily, no matter what he ate. And at that time, he wanted to focus on his career as an EMT and cut girls out of the equation. But Lonnie’s girlfriend had to go and complicate things by diddling herself to his pics.

The call was an easy one. A young woman named Teresa had slipped and broken her leg. Lonnie checked her vitals while Troy did his best to make Teresa comfortable. Her eyes had been locked on him from the moment he’d walked in the door. Troy tried to ignore it and do his job, despite the fact that Teresa kept leaning into him, resting her hand on his well-built chest while she moaned in pain.

“So the good news is, it’s not that bad a break,” Troy said as he and Lonnie slid the stretcher under her. She nodded, batting her eyes and gazing lovingly at him as he tried to calm her down. Lonnie, who couldn’t help but notice the obvious attraction, just rolled his eyes. “So we’re just gonna take a short ride in the--BLLLLLAAAAARRRRRRRRRP!”

The burp had come out of nowhere. It erupted with such bass and intensity that Teresa fell backwards. Lonnie just shook his head and stared at the ceiling while Troy slapped a hand over his mouth. How the hell could he have had to burp like that without even knowing about it?

“Uh--I, uh… excuse me,” Troy said, swallowing and suddenly taking note of his gurgling gut. “God, I apologize for that.”

“God, it… smells…” Teresa said, squinting her eyes, her affection for this built hunk taking a dip after he’d barked the scent of his lunch and breakfast into her face.

“Again, I’m… um… sorry…” Troy put a hand over his gut, which looked a little distended. “Must have been something I ate,” he said, rubbling the gurgling pooch his belly had bowed out into.

“Let’s just get you moving before my partner embarrasses himself,” Lonnie said.

With Teresa on the stretcher, Troy felt something move in his gut again. He had no time to prepare before he erupted again--”BLLLLLAAARRRRRRRRPPPPP!” This time it came from both ends, a thunderous fart bursting from his backside.

“Oh my god!” Teresa said, burying her face in the crook of her elbow. “Oh my god, that was… so gross!”

Troy stumbled in surprise and embarrassment, almost dumping their patient into her own backyard.

With Teresa safely in the ambulance, Troy took a seat with her as Lonnie headed to the driver’s seat.

“Again, I’m sorry for my--BLLLLARRRRRP!” Again, a massive boom came from both his mouth and his ass. Teresa shrieked and Lonnie threw his hands up.

“You drive, Gassy McGee,” he said, slapping the keys into Troy’s hands. Troy walked shakily to the front of the ambulance, clenching with every step to restrain the grumbling chaos in his gut. Even alone in the driver’s seat, he couldn’t resist a half-dozen burps and several seat-shaking farts from bursting forth; every time he didn’t see them coming, and every time they were so loud passersby could clearly hear them. He’d never blushed so hard in his life.

“I gotta tell you,” Lonnie said as they passed Teresa off to the intake nurse, “I had to list ‘nausea’ as one of her symptoms even though you’re the reason it happened.”

“Dude, shut the fuck up,” Troy said, anxious about even being in the hospital with the volcano in his belly. “I think I may go home sick or something. That burrito is doing something to me…”

Lonnie raised an eyebrow as they walked back to the ambulance. “You serious? You can’t blame the burrito for a problem you’ve had since I met you!” He shook his head. “Seriously, they’re thinking of giving me a gas mask just for having to sit in a close proximity to you. And you’re lucky I put up with it, because everyone else said they’d quit if they had to be your partner.”

Troy kept one hand on his gut but the other went to his head as a fog fell over his thoughts. Something was happening; he felt dizzy, like he was going to pass out at any minute. Lonnie was just messing around, wasn’t he? But the words he spoke had some truth to them. Troy suddenly remembered the whispers and snickers from the others in EMT school. He remembered how all the women in the program were obsessed with him until they heard about his “digestive problems”--and that none of the doctors could isolate the problem.

He’d tried a gluten-free diet, gave up dairy, went full vegan, and swallowed digestive enzymes three times a day, but because of his uncontrollable flatulence and massive burping, he tried to be around people as little as possible. He only went to the gym at 2 am, had never been able to have a roommate, and went through massive anxieties when dating new women because of his “problem.”

Troy winced as memories bloomed in his mind of being the “fart kid” as far back as elementary school. God, damn, they were real--it all happened. It was so clear in his head.

“See, y’know, I should have just told my girlfriend how bad you stink all fucking day,” Lonnie said as they got back in the ambulance. “Then she’d quit being obsessed by you.”

“Look,” Troy said, shaking his head to clear his confusion. “Let’s just talk about that, okay? So she had pictures of me! That doesn’t mean a thing! And it’s certainly not my fault.”

Lonnie just shook his head. Troy decided not to push further. Down the road, at a red light, Troy’s partner decided to speak again: “See, there’s this one pic she had that just drove me nuts. It’s you in one of those damned speedos you wear--and it’s zoomed in on your fucking junk.”

Troy shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t wear speedos to fuck with your girl. You know that. And what I wear to the beach is my own choice. I still think you’re being unreasonable, treating me like I did something wrong.” Troy winced as the seat beneath him rumbled. Lonnie just rolled his eyes and opened a window.

“The thing is, a guy with a fucking monstrosity of a dick like you have should have a little more decency at the beach,” he said, fanning the air to usher Troy’s noxious fumes out the window. “I mean, a dick like yours, it’s like… obscene! If I was a parent and my kid saw your gigantic fucking elephant trunk just stuffed into a revealing swimsuit, I’d be pissed.”

Troy sighed. He couldn’t believe how childish Lonnie was acting, but he wanted to let Lonnie get it all out of his system.

“I gotta piss,” Lonnie said. “I’m pulling over up at this gas station.” Troy decided to join him. The restroom had a, “Paying Customers Only!” sign on it but the attendant saw their uniforms and waved them in.

“Careful releasing that big anaconda,” Lonnie said as Troy unzipped. Troy couldn’t wait until Lonnie got this out of his system. He almost wanted to call Lonnie’s girl himself to read her the riot act--he didn’t think she’d done anything wrong either, but she certainly caused a lot of chaos in his life.

As he was shaking his big dick off--okay, so it was about six inches soft, Troy thought, and a good eight when it was hard--he felt a pinch. He moaned as his whole body twitched. He stared down at his dick, examining it. The whole thing was tingling, and not in a pleasant way--like every nerve in the organ was suddenly firing off.

His eyes went wide as the dick in his hands started stretching out, thickening right in his hands. He looked around in a panic, unsure what to do--yell for help? Ask Lonnie for assistance? What exactly was even happening? He was an EMT and he didn’t even know how to vocalize the experience. The dick grew longer and longer until it hung at a ludicrous twelve inches, thickening so it was as big around as his own wrist.

When it was over, he looked at the massive cock, and the big grapefruit-sized balls underneath, and gently touched it with shaky fingers. It was certainly real, he suddenly realized, and most definitely attached to him--and sensitive as fuck! Just the gentle touch of his fingertips along the surface was enough to make him shudder and bite his lower lip.

“Dude, zip up and let’s go!” Lonnie said, heading for the door.

Troy just stared at his huge new dong in disbelief. Was it an allergic reaction? An insect bite? First thing he had to do was get out of that gas station restroom--but he was having problems stuffing all that dick back in his pants. When he finally got them zipped up, he found he couldn’t even buckle his belt. The head of his cock poked up over the waistband of his pants after snaking down and then up in an obvious and absurd mound. He untucked his shirt and let it hang over his huge member. That should be just enough to get him into the ambulance, he thought, and then he could have Lonnie drive him back to the hospital.

“Jesus, you okay?” Lonnie asked as Troy approached the ambulance like he was walking through broken glass.

“I… my… dick…” Troy began, terrified of what had happened to him and so ashamed he could barely say it. “It got… huge… I can’t fit it all in my pants!” he whispered. He lifted up his shirt to show Lonnie the damage. His partner just rolled his eyes.

“Bro, are you saying you got a random hard-on in that filthy gas station bathroom?” Lonnie said, starting the truck and pulling out. “Dude, for real? You gotta get that monster under control. It’s already stupid enough seeing it jammed in your pants, but when you get hard it’s a real problem. You should ask a doctor for some… I dunno, reverse Viagra or something.”

Troy opened his mouth to say something, but he felt the fogginess in his brain again. He’d always had a huge dick, he suddenly remembered. On the football team he’d been a big joke. Girls were always fascinated by it until they actually saw it up close; then, most screamed, and every one of them demanded he put it away. He remembered having to order special pants for his EMT uniform just to get all the cock stuffed in, but they were at the cleaners and he had to wear this standard-issue pair of pants for the time being.

“Honestly, if I just let my girlfriend give that thing a tug, I guarantee she’d run away screaming,” Lonnie said, reaching over and flicking the exposed cock head with his index finger. Troy yelped and jerked away, suddenly remembering it was something Lonnie liked to do all the time to tease him for his cartoonishly huge dong. “Seriously, Troy, when’s the last time you actually had a girl willing to get stuck by that fucking monster?”

Troy shivered as he suddenly remembered: he was a virgin--unless you counted the more reasonably-sized strap-ons he would sometimes wear when a girl he dated demanded to be fucked by something that wouldn’t split her in half.

It had been years since he’d even been on a date with a girl.

“So bro, I’ve always wondered: what do you wear to the gym when you work out?” Lonnie asked as they pulled away from the gas station.

Troy, his breath ragged as more memories of extreme flatulence and his over-sized manhood flooding in, just shook his head. “Baggy sweatpants,” he said quietly. “But I usually only lift when no one is around, because… you know… the farting…”

Lonnie chuckled. “I think it’s clear you’re working out without any normal people around,” Lonnie said, giving Troy’s big arms a squeeze. “If you worked out with some regular average folks around you’d realize you should probably take it easy with all that pumping and flexing. Seriously, your muscles are almost as absurd as your dick!”

Troy’s gut went cold. It was so hard being friends with Lonnie, he thought, when his buddy was so casually cruel to him. It did make the moments of kindness even sweeter, however.

“My… muscles aren’t… that big…” Troy said softly, staring down at himself. He knew he was well-built, and he looked good in tight-shirts, but he wasn’t one of those absurd bodybuilder freaks.

“No, it’s not that they’re too big,” Lonnie said as the beeper went off again. “It’s just that they’re just too much for a guy your height.” He smiled as he showed the beeper to Troy. “Looks like you’re in luck, Musclehead. All that bulk is gonna come in handy. Looks like this patient’s a heavy one!”

Troy felt his whole body tense and throb. He gasped as he put a hand to his chest, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable in the passenger seat of the ambulance, although he couldn’t clearly identify why. He wiped sweat from his forehead, wondering if he was having a stroke or a heart attack… but when he looked over at Lonnie, his partner just smiled back as if everything was fine.

It wasn’t until Troy hopped out of the truck that he realized something was wrong--the fall to the ground went WAY too long! He looked up at the ambulance, shocked as it seemed to tower over him. It looked huge! Then he looked down at his body, shocked at his stumpy legs, his wide, blocky body, and his short, thick arms.

“Hey, Mighty Mouse!” Lonnie called to him. “Let’s go in there so we can put those stupid muscles to work!”

Troy started to walk, shocked at his short-legged hobble. His legs were so thick he had to lean side to side, finally straight out waddling just to get around. Worse, his enormous bulge bounced back and forth as he hobbled along--it seemed as big as a basketball! Easily as big as his head. He felt sick to his stomach as he realized his cock and his leg were the same length now--not that he could see it very well past his enormous pecs. He patted the big muscle cannons, so huge they made him look like he had implants. Then he looked behind him and groaned at the size of his enormous ass.

He looked like a troll. But naked, he was a ball of rippling, shredded muscles. He made some money on his webcam on the weekends--it was some people’s fetish, although it was hard to get a flesh-and-blood human to want to be close to him.

When he got inside the house, he stared UP at Lonnie--he only came up to his partner’s navel now. He couldn’t believe how small he felt--but how absurdly huge at the same time! His body was so big he was constantly getting in his own way. He gave up on trying to control the farts and burps bursting from him every few feet; it took all of his energy just to get around.

The patient was indeed a large woman--well over 300 pounds in a sundress having chest pains. Troy, incapacitated by wave-after-wave of memories of having been short but thickly built his whole life--just stood back while Lonnie got her vitals.

This was his role in this, he recalled. He was so muscular he was practically handicapped. Lonnie liked having him along just for the placard and the great parking. But when it was time to move the obese woman, Troy knew what his role was. He reached down and lifted her up with ease. Lonnie struggled with his end of the load, but Troy just moved directly underneath the stretcher and held up the weight with nearly no effort.

The woman started chuckling on her way to the ambulance. “If not for all that farting and burping down there, this would be a fun ride!”

“Just think of it as music,” Lonny said. “LIke a circus theme song. That’s what I do. Makes it less gross.”

When they got the patient in the ambulance, Troy knew he would be riding back there with her. “I’ll try not to fart… too much…” Troy said in a squeaky, chirrupy voice--his voice, he knew as it tittered out of him. He knew he couldn’t drive, no matter how much it would comfort the patient. His arms and legs were to short, too inflexible. He was so grateful Lonnie was willing to have him as a partner. He knew nobody else would.

“Man, I bet that package down there makes somebody pretty happy!” the obese woman said, nodding at Troy huge bulge.

Troy shrugged his herculean shoulders. “Most women are scared of it--BLLLLARRRRRRP!” He had to strain to get his muscle-bloated arm bent enough to cover his mouth.

The woman just laughed. “Here I was embarrassed to have you guys come to my house,” she said, wiping away tears, “but after meeting you, fella, I don’t feel so bad about myself.”

Troy would have been humiliated if he wasn’t so used to it. Somewhere inside he remembered something different--a life where women loved him and everything was easy. Wasn’t Lonnie mad at him? Something about his girlfriend? No, that couldn’t be, he assured himself. The only time Lonnie’s girlfriend got mad was when Lonnie brought him over and Troy stunk up the whole house.

No, Troy recalled, this was the way things always were. He wished he could be like Lonny, with his normal dick, his long, flexible limbs, and the fact that he wasn’t bursting with gas every moment. God, Lonnie was so lucky, he thought. Girls must go crazy over him. He rested his broad chin on his protruding pec shelf and closed his eyes as another fart erupted, and the obese woman just laughed at him.