Regarding the weekly chat

Hey everyone, 

I just wanted to compose a message for a few reasons, but mostly because a few people messaged expressing disappointment about the chat being cancelled and I want to be open about what’s going on in my life right now, because it’s just better to do that than to keep it to myself as I have been doing. 

For the past few weeks (and months), I’ve been struggling to respond to messages in general. I’ve actually been in tears almost every day, and while I would prefer to be here all of the time and immediately respond to your comments and personal messages, it is very hard just to maintain my regular posting.

One thing that is happening in my life right now is an issue related to my family and COVID. In the past few years, I've only seen my family a handful of times, and because of COVID and several personal circumstances, I might not see them again for a long time. 

Beyond that, I’ve just finished a very intensive and pressure-inducing experience. And in addition to this already very demanding and time consuming experience, I am continuing to work with some people who openly do not support LGBT folks (and who occasionally have the attitude that women don’t belong in certain career roles), but I can’t afford to write them off. I am looking for other opportunities on a daily basis, however in the meantime, it is not an ideal situation and regularly makes me feel awful. There is also a very religious person in my life who feels responsible for my “immortal soul” and has been sending me upsetting messages lately because I revealed my serious intentions to one day marry a woman. 

As you can imagine, these situations have put stress on several of my personal relationships and have caused arguments between me and people I care about deeply.

I’ve had really severe stress headaches because of all of this — my jaw and face clench up and I have needed to wear a bite guard to deal with it, so sometimes sitting at the computer to respond is physically an issue because it causes more tension. For about 2 weeks last month, I was dealing with this every day, and I was truly afraid the headaches would never subside. I am human, and lately, almost too tired to function, especially on chat nights. 

I love doing this. It’s my escape. And this is an escape for all of you, which is why I never wanted to mention my personal circumstances or be anything but a writer and hopefully a joy provider, but I’m sharing all of this with a) the hope of receiving some understanding and b) the desire to convey the situation to everyone so no one takes it personally if I am delayed responding to a message. It’s not my intention to make any person feel ignored.

The last few months and especially this month have been hell for more than just the reasons listed above, and I just don’t have any ounce of energy left to cope with even the slightest bit of added stress. Every other minute of my day has lately involved conflict, and many times I am up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just trying to figure out how to make it through the next day. I hope things are going to eventually get better, but the next 3 or so months are shaping up to be very difficult. I'm still going to be posting a lot of content, but I may be slow responding to your comments and your messages, and I may occasionally have to cancel chats when these other issues have left me feeling depleted. 

Thank you for listening and understanding. 

An edit/addition: I just want to add in a small clarification, because I feel like the way I framed this above may have made it seem like someone really harshly complained a lot to me or was really angry about the chat’s cancellation when that wasn’t the case. A few people who newly joined were planning to come to the chat last night (as well as someone who has been around since Feb and keeps missing it) and the newer folk expressed they were sad it wasn’t happening. I honestly just felt bad and it was not because of what was specifically said, but because I feel like it lets people down who enjoy the chat whenever I don’t run it, and new people tend to get disappointed when it’s their first chance to participate and they can’t. That was all. I just wanted to make a general statement to everyone about what is happening in my life so it’s clearer why I might sometimes cancel it. I’m not taking any time off from writing, I really do love it and use it as a way to cope with stress. I love you all and appreciate you.