Fuck Off, Fuck You, and Fuck Me

I am proud to announce that I am authoring a biographical trilogy that is already being called a "tour de force" by my parents. The first book is titled "Fuck Off,” and consists of me needlessly sabotaging my personal relationships for financial gain. Its sequel, "Fuck You,” builds upon this theme, extending the insults explored in the first book to people I haven’t yet met, but one day hope to insult in person. 

The final book in my biography is titled "Fuck Myself”, and is 1400-page journey of self-exploration in which I catalog my proudest sexual achievements, and apologize for having friends that are too dumb to appreciate my first two books.

It is my honor to work with my mother on these books as the editor. It was also my honor to have my father, and his booming voice, narrate them on CD and Floppy Diskette. His words confront the listener with the full power of my literary genius, and listeners cannot help but take their wallets out to give me the money I deserve.

And just when you thought this trilogy ended with three books, I am proud to introduce the fourth installment in the series. The book is titled, "Fuck Off, I'm Already Dead!" and is a tiny, 3" X 2.5" 125-page hardback sold exclusively at Starbucks. This book will be released shortly after my death on December 25th, 2081. The book will contain a list of insults that I would prefer not to be in circulation while I'm still alive as they are too dangerous. 

It will also contain details to a large investment account, a cache of weapons, two false identities with matching passports, my high school transcript, a detailed map of every house I've ever burgled, a list of my favorite sexual positions, the only rejection letter I've ever received, a list of children that I've secretly sired, a Dropbox folder containing an experimental rap album I had been working on before death, instructions on how to print out and assemble a replica of my physique, and an apology for not having written a sex book sooner.  

Despite your best efforts, my literary work will inevitably end up in your hands one day. So, if you have even the slightest interest in reading my work, just consider yourself a part of the problem for contributing to the high sales numbers that will almost certainly secure me a spot in the New York Times bestsellers list. Then, if you could, just throw a few copies at your friends, because I’m sure they’ll be just as impressed by my prose as I am. But, before you buy any copies, please remind yourself of the following fact: if you're dumb enough to purchase my book, chances are you're not smart enough to understand it. 

After releasing 14 million of copies of this book, I would like to give a special thanks to every man, woman, child, and dog for chiming in with their perspective on my work.  It is truly an honor to have so many people either tell me how brilliant I am, or be so wrong about their criticism. In closing, I would just like to say: Fuck you and your opinion.