I think probably the most surprising discovery of the year was not that ESAM is bald, that much should have been obvious to the studied observer. No, the most surprising discovery of the year is that we are, in fact, all bald, whether we know it or not.
We are all living under a toupée in one way or another -- so terrified to be vulnerable that we cover ourselves up; so desperate to be loved that we hide behind layers of hair and make-up and fake smiles. Everyone's got a part of ...
2021-09-28 17:14:10 +0000 UTC
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Two options appeared before me
And sorry I could not take both,
I held to the ledge, as long as I could
And took the option less taken
Death
An option chosen for me
But an option all the same
To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream
And in these dreams, I find myself
A new world, a new life
A reason to try again
So brief a life
That death is only a pause
A short rest in a long journey
There I waited, in the darkness
But the...
2021-08-24 16:51:08 +0000 UTC
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The Haunted Controller
"This is a very special device," the devil shopkeep says ominously. "It's a controller guaranteed to make you win any set." "What's the catch?" I ask. "In exchange, you will die alone, unloved and unlamented." "Oh," I reply disappointedly. "I think I already have one of those."
The Cursed Hand Warmers
The haggard, old shopkeep leers offensively in my direction. "My dear boy," he cackles, apoplectically. "I have a very ...
2021-08-17 18:27:17 +0000 UTC
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- Inside every Smash player there are two wolves. One is a racist and the other is an incel. Some people called "furries" have a third wolf inside of them, but for different reasons. There's also a secret fourth wolf that is a literal wolf. His name is Odin and he's also a racist.
- “Inside every Smash player there are two wolves. One of them wants to have fun, and the other want a serious competitive experience.” “Which one wins?” my grandson asks. “None of them do...
2021-08-04 17:38:28 +0000 UTC
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Friendly Reminder: Kindness is free. But if enough people withhold kindness, and we collude to keep the supply down, people will start to panic. Soon the despair and desperation will set in, and that's when they'll finally realize that they needed nice guys like us after all. And they’ll wish they were nicer to us when they still had the chance.
And once the panic begins we can start charging for our kindness. Just like water, kindness is a public good that needs to be privatiz...
2021-07-12 17:06:27 +0000 UTC
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- Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, "Sonic Dittos, again?”
- Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, "Buffered air dodge.”
- Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, "PK Fire.”
- Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, "Would be very cool if they put hentai into this game.”
- Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are, "Would be very cool if they put projectiles into this game.”
- Of ...
2021-06-24 17:32:46 +0000 UTC
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I'm not stepping foot in a tournament until the VIP lounge is equipped with the following:
- gaming floozies to massage my controllers between sets.
- beefcakes that’ll keep my lips moisturized in game 5 situations
- a harem of dandies and dandizettes that'll pop-off on my behalf after a big win.
- a complete copy of Hungrybox's genome (don't ask).
- Gamer Goop (not sure what this is, but I will fucking lose it if I don't have it).
- a saltwater ...
2021-06-17 16:16:17 +0000 UTC
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They say every Smash player dies twice. Once when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when they insist the meta has changed and that you couldn’t compete in the modern era.
They say every Smash player dies twice. Once when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when Hungrybox pops off at your funeral.
They say every Smash player dies twice. Once when you stop breathing, and a second time, a bit later on, when your dead corpse isn’...
2021-05-25 16:49:22 +0000 UTC
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Top advice for budding streamers.
1. Be kind and wholesome; positivity is inherently contagious.
2. Be yourself, but be measured: people want authenticity, but too much feels like therapy.
3. Model the behavior you want to see in your followers.
4. Have an extremely cool penis.
5. Be famous, sexually-active, and have a large social media following.
6. Be very famous, have a huge social media following, and be extremely sexually-active.
7. Dig up a skeleton fr...
2021-04-20 18:20:24 +0000 UTC
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1. Turn gaming into a career and you'll never need a vacation.
2. Discover that it's hard to enjoy a hobby when your life depends on it.
3. Realize that you've lost your only escape from work and don't have the time to find new ones.
4. Take a vacation, you'll need it.
5. Try to clear your head and re-discover what makes you happy.
6. Develop a fondness for black tar heroin.
7. Sell your children's toys for drug money.
8. Fall asleep f...
2021-04-14 20:49:10 +0000 UTC
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I am proud to announce that I am authoring a biographical trilogy that is already being called a "tour de force" by my parents. The first book is titled "Fuck Off,” and consists of me needlessly sabotaging my personal relationships for financial gain. Its sequel, "Fuck You,” builds upon this theme, extending the insults explored in the first book to people I haven’t yet met, but one day hope to insult in person.
The final book in my biography is titled "Fuck Myself”, and i...
2021-03-25 19:41:06 +0000 UTC
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- Tech skill without fundamentals is like having a new-born baby with no body. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?
- Tech skill without fundamentals is like an insincere compliment. Who are you trying to impress?
- Tech skill without fundamentals is like a monkey riding a unicycle. It might be fun to watch, but don't expect it to ever be useful.
- Tech skill without fundamentals is like a developmentally disabled woodland creature trying to read Japanese. Thi...
2021-03-24 17:44:34 +0000 UTC
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[Intro]
god damnit, i just don't care what other people think
you know it. i know it.
i'm a gamer.
if you know the tune, sing it with me boys
[Extremely Dank Beat]
i'm a gamer guy with Macintosh bones.
i game all day on my gamer phone.
i buried their family in an unmarked grave.
gaming with my friends is hella fun.
gaming with my dog is number one
[Deafening Beat Police Sirens in Background. Sound of Toilet...
2021-03-16 20:16:28 +0000 UTC
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i casually stroll into the boy scouts national Smash jamboree and fill the tournament venue with a thick, black fog of mustard gas. scouts begin to emerge; eyes red, screaming. "not so brave after all, are you boys?", i mutter to myself as i proudly don my mustard gas badge.
i clap and clap, completely engrossed. i wish i could clap harder, but i have bandages around my arms to stop the bleeding. did i really just do that? or am i watching a tv show? it's hard to know. the show is over ...
2021-02-18 20:36:38 +0000 UTC
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The year is 20XX. Everybody plays Ness. Life is suffering and the living envy the dead. In the perpetual gloom of this stillborn planet, I search for a home I know I will not find. A scream pierces the endless cacophony of death and decay, a cry that haunts my dreams: "PK Fire."
The cold wind blows over a desolate landscape as if to scream in anguish. From the hill, I see a solitary figure walking toward me. He is dressed in a gray robe, his footsteps tinged by the dust of the dead. He ...
2021-02-02 17:42:34 +0000 UTC
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This is part 3-4 in a monthly Q&A with Patrons. Any Patron at the $9.00 tier or higher can ask DeepLeffen a question of their choosing. I've consolidated all the questions submitted to me in December and January by Patreon subscribers into a single post, since there wasn't enough in January to justify a standalone. Here are the results
Q: How would you approach applying for jobs in a competitive labor market while still affording to pay rent so you don’...
2021-02-01 21:05:43 +0000 UTC
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i have it on good authority that the next fighter's pass will include the following characters: 1. Queen Kong. 2. Dinkey King. 3. Type II Diabetes. 3. PK Pete. 3. Junkman & The Little Dipper 3. Sticky "Ricky" Steamboat and the Lunchpail Gang. 2. Cactus Jack. 3. and 4. Mario 4. A character named "Lance Diamond". 4. Big Momma from Big Momma's House. 4. A common field mouse. 5. A character named Bobby "Tucked Up and Fucked Up" Buntrock. 5. A real life baby. 6. the Bubonic Plague. 7. a ...
2021-01-20 18:43:29 +0000 UTC
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To the upvoters of this post, thank you for believing in me. You will be rewarded handsomely. To the downvoters of this post, I appreciate you understanding that criticism is essential to a well-functioning democracy. I value your eager participation more than the upvoters who, quite frankly, I am terrified of. I wake up every day afraid of what they might do. To the upvoters of this post, please ignore that last message, it was likely authored by none other than the downvoters themselves who...
2021-01-08 18:25:24 +0000 UTC
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It started to become clear to me by the seventh hour that the attractive gentleman before me was not a man at all, but some kind of “basketball hoop man” with a slender, metallic body and a hoop for a face. By the eighth hour, I came to realize that "basketball hoop man" was, in fact, more man than me and half the woman I hoped to become. He had approximately one more hoop head than I had and far fewer appendages. Yet, despite all of our differences, I couldn't help but feel that he was a...
2020-12-30 20:58:20 +0000 UTC
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There are so many beautiful play styles to choose from. M2K, the machine, cold, clinical, calculating. Mang0, The Serial Killer, unpredictable, in your head, feeding on your emotions. Armada, the Jazz Pianist, improvisational, technically precise. So many beautiful ways to play this game, and yet you still chose to play like a bitch.
Mew2King, the Clown Prince of Smash, chaotic, murderous, insane, and scary, but the kind of guy you'd introduce your kids to at a party. L...
2020-12-21 18:16:02 +0000 UTC
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Prompt: Everybody says that Smash is a game of rock paper scissors. This couldn't be further from the truth. Smash is more like a game of...
- Smash is more like a game of lawn darts. The longer you play, the less likely you are to make it out alive.
- Smash is more like a game of Hasbro's Elefun & Friends. If you want to succeed, you need to understand that this game is about so much more than just making friends with elephants....
2020-12-07 20:35:36 +0000 UTC
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Dear Nintendo,
I'm so sick of Nintendo and their relentless money-grubbing. After the next few DLC, I’m officially done with them. And unless they release new character skins, or a new game, or downloadable frame data for my main or custom character weapons, or Nintendo-brand "Poké water" that tastes like shit and piss, or a Nintendo-brand shovel made from the bones of the deceased Nintendo employees recently obtained via Nintendo-brand mass executions, I'm not spending a singl...
2020-11-25 18:37:27 +0000 UTC
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"The eldritch whispers of the Void were calling out to me, begging me to return home. An insatiable hunger gnawed at my consciousness; a desire to see the world unmade. In this twisted madness I saw hideous visions of things to come, and delivered myself voluntarily to the blastzone so that everyone could be spared and this world may be given a second chance."
My mom nodded. She put her hand on my shoulder, "So that's why you got three-stocked, son?"
"That...
2020-11-20 17:02:03 +0000 UTC
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This is part 2 in a monthly Q&A with Patrons. Any Patron at the $9.00 tier or higher can ask DeepLeffen a question of their choosing. What follows is a list of the questions submitted in September by Patrons along with the curated DeepLeffen responses.
Q: What is your favorite chess opening?
A: I play the Bong Cloud gambit because I'm an intellectual.
Q: If you were added to Smash, what tier would you be?
A: I am a zodiacsexual ...
2020-11-20 14:58:44 +0000 UTC
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Deep Leffen: Welcome to another episode of Smash with the Boysss. Today we have Robert the Robot in the flesh, but also in metal. Welcome Robert.
R.O.B.: Hey, can a man get some juice around here?
[Audience laughs]
Deep Leffen: Just as a brief aside, I accidentally called you "Trashcan Sam" in the intro. It was a complete mistake, but it's something that's going to come up a lot in the interview, so please be prepared to ans...
2020-11-09 15:06:52 +0000 UTC
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This is part 10 in an ongoing series. See part 9 here.
On the last episode:
The judge stood up to speak, but mew2king continued, "as you all know, there is a chasm of space-time that exists between "best player right now" and "best player of all time." If you attempt to traverse this chasm in the search for some grand truth, you will be ripped apart - &nbs...
2020-10-29 15:25:28 +0000 UTC
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This is Part 9 in an ongoing series. See Part 8 here
he said, "as long as i'm with friends, every game is a friendly." hugs was beaming with pride. the judge couldn't help but feel pity. he said, "hey, HugS. you be good, okay?" hugS nodded, accepting his fate.
"oh and one more thing", hugS said as he cleared his throat.
2020-10-28 14:42:21 +0000 UTC
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This is part 8 in an ongoing series. See part 7 here.
In the last episode:
the judge turned to the court and said, "wow... that was... that was really something. Can we get a round of applause for Mango?"
the audience erupted in applause like well-trained circus monkeys.
the judge cleared his throat.
2020-10-20 17:55:39 +0000 UTC
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This is part 7 in an ongoing series. See part 6 here.
In the last episode:
"and some people, mango... some people start a fire because they can't contain the flame that's inside of them. the first fire doesn't burn for long and the second one can't ever be put out. no matter how hard you, or anybody else, tries."
mango started weeping into arm...
2020-10-19 18:23:46 +0000 UTC
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This is part 6 in an ongoing series. See part 5 here.
In the last episode:
but it was at that moment that the courtroom doors swung open. a small, hairy man reeking of alpha male energy slowly approached the bench.
"STATE YOUR NAME, SIR" the judge boomed.
"The name's Mango", the man replied. "But you can call me Mang0."<...
2020-10-16 17:23:42 +0000 UTC
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