Dear Nintendo

Dear Nintendo, 

I'm so sick of Nintendo and their relentless money-grubbing. After the next few DLC, I’m officially done with them. And unless they release new character skins, or a new game, or downloadable frame data for my main or custom character weapons, or Nintendo-brand "Poké water" that tastes like shit and piss, or a Nintendo-brand shovel made from the bones of the deceased Nintendo employees recently obtained via Nintendo-brand mass executions, I'm not spending a single fuckin' dime.  

And I swear to god, when they start making "pokemon water" and im not selected as the spokesperson is when my life is basically over. Let me be clear about something: "Poké water" is the only water made to taste as if Pokemon bathed in it. And trust me, buddy, you're going to want to know what MewTwo's bathwater tastes like. I can't wait to see the look on your face when you take that first sip and realize that you've made a tremendous mistake.  

I've been using Trash Can Man's default katana for almost 3 years, and I NEED new weapons, and I’m willing to pay for it, Nintendo. I will crawl through a mile of broken glass, dragging what little I have left of my manhood, just so Trash Can Man can be top tier again. I will sell my soul to Lucifer himself, just to have Trash Can Man's specials mapped to moves that don't result in him politely conceding the match to my opponent. I will tie myself to a train track if you'll just pretend for five fucking minutes that Trash Can Man is going to be a central character in the upcoming Smash Bros. title. I will delete my DLC off my Switch so that I can buy it back from you.

Oh Nintendo, sweet tender Nintendo. If there's anything you can do to buff Trash Can Man so that I can beat Ryley in locals, I would be forever in your debt. He plays Mario, the anime fighter.  Every time he's pummeling me into the blast zone he uses his obnoxious catch-phrase, "If you're not having fun, I'm not having fun.  If you want me to pick a different character, let me know."

No longer will those words haunt my dreams. Tell me how much it'll cost me to turn Trash Can Man into a Trash Can King, and I'll do whatever it takes. Seriously. You want my first born? You can have it. Do you want my wife? I'm sorry darling, but you belong to Mr. Nintendo now. I need Trash Can Man to be a credible threat in doubles, and a thunderous force in the upcoming Smash title.  

There's a little more to the story, but I'm going to go to the store and pick up some Poké water to replenish my body fluids that have been completely depleted from writing this. (Please note that "Poké water" does not provide any hydration. Nintendo is not liable for any injury that may occur when drinking Poké water. Side effects may include sore throat, dry cough, camel belly, nightmares, "stench of death", trench foot, divorce, death, rising from the dead, haunting, and in rare cases, dry mouth. Please consult with your doctor prior to drinking any amount of Poké water.)

Thank you, Nintendo, for being so good to me.  

Sincerely,   

Your number one fan.