(part 4) the usual doubts

the wheel that i am always spinning myself in, though, is this
with any of these projects, i just have to write it
and i have a lot of text and note files
but not enough up until the end of the game-- outlines, sure, but not the detailed writing
so oughtn't i just finish that detail?

but the problem i have is that whenever i get a certain distance in, i lose grounding. this isn't like reborn where i know what it Is In Game, what Actually Can Be Experienced
this is a collection of note files with no game yet attached, and i can -imagine- what the game between them will be
but i cannot touch it
ergo the subsequent notes and story pieces feel as if they are Floating, trying to come to rest on some cloud or muddy river bank into which they sink

i need tangibility, an anchor. i Have needed that and have not had it for a long time. it was in grasp with starlight (the shame rises again. more weakly?), but-- well, but then what? what happened there? am i wrong?
what did happen there? no, let's finish one thought at a time.

i need something to grab onto-- the game, the interactive software. unfortunately this requires getting over the hurdle of having a basic engine.
i am getting there.
i have my own interpreter now and a growing number of features. most recently i've adapted handling of both [actors] and [maps] into them, or the at least vague concept of both of those things between them so i can standardize and share my work between projects on those ways. certainly, every project will have both Places and People.
so we're growing, more and more capable. but there is still much to do and jagged edges to smooth out at least enough for the back end to work reasonably well

and programming is exhausting. i'm not having a bad time, especially when the stuff i try to do works, but when it doesn't... ugh. i mean, i love nuzzling sandpaper as much as the next gal, but
i have to remind myself, nearly every time i work on it, that i am ultimately new to this program and i am relearning/recreating a lot of basics i have been used to having
and it will get easier, surely

or will it? as much as i'd like to think or say "yeah i'll just use godot for the rest of my life", software will surely only contine to improve. and, certainly, the fact that it is an open source collab means that i like godot's odds more than anything else, is that not ultimately only a bandaid over my failing to learn this program more effectively?
anyway, it is challenging, and takes if not time, then energy, that i am often lacking.
eventing for basically anything but puzzles in RMXP was an almost energy-neutral task. years of experience does that, and the program was made to be friendly after all.
this is still intensive for me.
which i dislike.
why can i not simply be perfect at the skill already? cmon.

....so i want to do the writing before the graphics but i need to do the programming before the writing, and everything breaks constantly
or
is that just my excuse and even when the programming is 100% set, i will still not be able to progress?