Amethyst Liddell and Chasing Selene

(part whatever) a closing request

Suffice it to say this approach for posts-- doing it when I'm in bed, committed half to sleep and half to wake-- has been working for me. It's an appropriate intersection between having the energy to type out thoughts, the focus and time to do so, and the honest feelings to fuel them. 

Gee, when I put it like that, no wonder it's kind of my most reliable writing conditions. 
But that thought is the mind killer. It will make me think things like I Should be writing somethin...

(part 6) there wasn't supposed to be a part 6

I've never been entirely satisfied with the way people talk about dreams.

Oh man, I'm one sentence into this post and the word "dream" has already lost its meaning to me a la jamais vu.

Firstly, the word has two meanings: the hallucinations we experience when sleeping, and the lifelong ambitions we hold close to our hearts.

Conceptually, I do not like this conflation. Those are two different things. Using the same word for them seems almost cynical-- like our hope...

(part 5) the princess and the perturbances

so I've set down, in quick succession, some of the biggest insecurities I could think of
and for some reason I haven't caught fire yet
so that's nice

I can't say I'm Fixed :tm: but it feels like the internal pressure is much reduced.
like... everyone (You !!) has been generally supportive. because, duh.

some of these things, like the posting cringe aspect, still need to be lived up to before I can release that aspect of it internally, I think
But where I'd been waffli...

(part 4) the usual doubts

the wheel that i am always spinning myself in, though, is this
with any of these projects, i just have to write it
and i have a lot of text and note files
but not enough up until the end of the game-- outlines, sure, but not the detailed writing
so oughtn't i just finish that detail?

but the problem i have is that whenever i get a certain distance in, i lose grounding. this isn't like reborn where i know what it Is In Game, what Actually Can Be Experienced
this is a colle...

(part 3) sketching hope

and then there's the brand of insecurity that is just

[ID: A meme featuring a person sitting on the edge of a cliff which is labelled "idea". In the middle, there is a gap labeled "Being cool", and on the opposite side of the image an object sits on a second cliff labelled "Results". In a second row, the image is repeated, but the person is now walking from "Idea" to the now-shining "Result...

(part 2) shades of shame

I want this to be like, I am working and you pass by.
And you look over my shoulder and see something interesting and in an unspoken moment of "hey what's that?" I can scooch aside and be like "oh yeah come check this out"

But the reason I don't ultimately comes down to fear
I am afraid that if I do I will somehow ruin the game for you
I am afraid that sharing too early will ruin the process of making the game for me
I am afraid of setting expectations-- ...

(part 1) internal acupuncture from under the covers

Since I always choose to use the energy I have to actually work on development, I'm gonna try a different style of post.
I'm laying in bed writing this, not quite having mustered the force of will to get up and begin the day.
Maybe I write this over a few days. Maybe I can speak more candidly this way, or maybe it will motivate me. Or be a better use of time.
Or all of the above.
But then even if it's none of them, at least I will be saying something here.
Maybe it will hel...

kyra

earlier this month we celebrated kyra's 21st birthday. she was well-groomed. her kidney issues were under control. i gave her extra treats and love. she'd been so snuggly lately.

one night last week she started throwing up repeatedly. her breathing was strained. her coordination, suddenly staggering. we said after the fourth time, that if it happened again we should take her into the vet. not for dragging our feet, we left after the ninth.

it was about 2 am. there were two people ...

on sunflowers

hi. not dead. been meaning to write sooner.
i've been meaning to write sooner for about three months now tbh.
the problem is that every time i'm like "i have writing energy", i have to choose between either using the energy to post here just to say that i am in fact still truckin', or just doing the aforementioned truckin'. i tend to choose the latter.

the substance of the trucking is by and large in the form of writing. i'm writing (and coding) for three alternating projects rig...

swish

we have achieved Roommate and thus our living situation is, for the first time in about a year a half, something resembling relatively stable
hallelua
as always, thank you all for sticking through it <3

cass and i are still cooking and i want to continue to cook before i start sharing more directly.

but i do feel like i have something i never have before, a fully customizable interpreter replacing most of RPG Maker's core functions.
i'm currently passing it around th...

manic modularity

financial stability continues to elude us (we have been full no-contact ghosted by three roommates in a row now),
however,
we are schmoving
i don't think development is going fast,
and i don't have any particular milestones to show off
but what i can say is that i currently feel the best i have about it since the end of reborn's development

so firstly, i have this issue where whenever i'm working on one thing i feel like i Should be working on everything or anyth...

clotted dreams

i'm getting through the current events.

i think they might be impacting my mood and function.
either that, or i'm simultaneously so resilient as to be unaffected by them, while also being so fragile that i am actually just using them as an excuse.
jury's still out on which of those is more likely.

i'd be lying if i said if i said my work was at all focused.
there has been work.
i've felt very motivated to just learn to Get Really Good at godot so i ca...

kuro (ft a poll)

wanted to hold off on posting kuro until last to preempt any expectations that other protags would be changing more too

general id for the blind audience, all of the images in this post are graphics for a protag, i don't think there's anything i can say here to make this meaningful for you all, sorry friends

kuro is, in my opinion, both the least popular and least appealing protag. related. so i wanted to help him out a bit. i was prepared to make some bigger changes, maybe give h...

decibel

i dont have a post i just have an image or two, i'll have a post tomorrow* bye

[image id: a before and after comparison of reborn protag decibel]

emotionally neutral old years' post

hey okay good morning we are here on the last day of 2024 where did the year go

with regards to the prior writing, there has been a slow trickle of encouragement and positive comments about it which has meant the world to me. thank you so much <3

with regards to the new project, i've been trying to make sure i'm writing from a place of genuine passion as opposed to obligation. so lately i've been doing a bit more programming than writing to try and get the game 2024-12-31 21:58:45 +0000 UTC View Post