(part 2) shades of shame

I want this to be like, I am working and you pass by.
And you look over my shoulder and see something interesting and in an unspoken moment of "hey what's that?" I can scooch aside and be like "oh yeah come check this out"

But the reason I don't ultimately comes down to fear
I am afraid that if I do I will somehow ruin the game for you
I am afraid that sharing too early will ruin the process of making the game for me
I am afraid of setting expectations-- because although the expectations in and of themselves are previous lifelines, ropes to climb upwards on over a very tall sheer cliff, they are also strings attached to me
No, expectations themselves are not to be feared
What is fearful is what happens when I don't meet them
But I have -already- not met them
And here you are, perhaps.
It is my own expectations, binds wrapped taut around my retreating heart that I am afraid of.

Some part of me is loathe to invoke it, for I would rather it just be forgotten... But back in 2017 I began talking here about a horror game I had been working on, and later dropped.
The reason I dropped it was twofold--
One, it was primarily based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, and then in the course of my therapy at the time I learned that CBT only has limited effective with certain traumas I was reading with, so I was like-- well okay what's the point, but this might still be helpful to someone.
And two-- my hard drive corrupted and I lost most of what I had done so far.
Both the bones and the results had been totally lost. In my judgment, it's hard to get a more legitimate reason to let a project go.
And yet, I have never been able to forgive myself. Anytime I think of that project, I am filled with a deep shame.

Funny side thought: of course, being trans is nothing to be ashamed of but it's pretty common for trans people to feel shame for it, especially in the current climate and early in their journey. And I'm sure I had, at some point, at least a bit of that. But man. I think I'm more ashamed of this than I ever was, of my gender identity, even at my most insecure point.

I'm not a stranger to letting go of projects. I didn't expect to finish reborn either, and then it blew up.
But also all of my prior projects were when I was a teenager. A teenager seeing something through to the end is certainly more the exception than the norm, despite one's own expectations.
And I'm not really ashamed of what I let go back then, because... Well, I was too busy being caught up in the next fun thing I was doing? I guess?
Or I hadn't learned shame so hard yet. I was only ever diligent after high school.
Or maybe it's the case here because now there is the spectre of expectations on the horizon. Either way.
That nothing-project that I shared only here and a page on the website, and which never became substantial enough for anyone to care about, causes me a lot of shame.

So consider, then, Starlight. Which not only have I talked about in great detail with few results for years, but had a demo and -did- become substantial enough, with advertisement and expectation after reborn, for people to care about. . .
It's not like it's dead.
It's not like the creative part of the work has gone anywhere.
It's not like I don't still hope to get to it someday when I am better-enough at not only Godot but at managing myself and a team-- or downsizing to not need to.
But ugh.
I can't think of it without feeling a little sick.
Like I have greatly failed-- nay, betrayed an audience.
And it's been... difficult to enjoy playing other tRPG games.
I have wanted to make one since I was a kid. I never seem to be able to.

Like all outside expectations aside, this is something I need to fix just for myself. Nothing will change that.
I guess in some roundabout way it loops back around to being emotionally Safe? haha... The stakes are higher than anything else but I've already forfeit them, so in a way I have nothing to lose

Commitment to creative projects is always double-edged.
On one hand I must commit to get anywhere with anything.
But commitment is inherently antithetical to emotional honesty.
And creative projects thrive on that openness.
I suppose one could say the same about relationships? I've found that one way easier though...

Anyway, I feel like it's important that I don't pressure myself into a certain angle of work, right? Like if I'm really miserable, I need to be able to say I'm not doing this anymore. So tautologically, some projects will have to be let go of. Or at the least, they will go unfinished.

A side thought: One thing that has haunted me is the understanding that I will only be able to finish so many games in my lifespan. Like, say every project takes ten years like reborn-- to be generous about it. Let's say the average life expectancy is 85. I'm in my thirties. Probably I only get to do five more games ever.
Better choose my projects wisely!

I am writing this and thinking "man no wonder I have issues"
But I can also say that now because I think I just (in the course of typing the above) reasoned myself away from it.
Because the above is true if I really Make myself only commit to one project at a time and see it through single mindedly as I feel A Good Creator Ought To.
If I just let myself work on whatever I feel like, who knows how many projects I will start and drop and work on, and maybe I only finish a handful but for me that's still an improvement. The destination could be the same and the journey will be a lot better for it.
Easy maths.
Also who knows, I might end up being more productive that way. Or just better at it cuz I like it more.

So I'm gonna work on whatever and I won't finish a lot of things-- or certainly not up to my own (impossible) standards.

In an ideal form of this patreon I can freely show you guys whatever without worrying that I'm going to bite down on myself for it later if I make the decision to drop it later.
The meeker part of me wants to ask for permission or reassurance that that's okay.
But then, the meeker part of me is incapable of receiving those things, or insatiable for them.
Either way ... No. The one who needs to grant me permission is myself.

So... That's what we're doing, I guess.
I'm gonna post shit I may or may not finish and that's the contract now.
But hey, at least I'd be posting, right?