Hard Digest August 16: Early Access Cooking, Oasis, Libertarians, and More

Pitchfork Writer Visiting Home Describes Mom’s Dinner as “A Derivative Slog Through White Suburban Mediocrity”

By Tim Graham

COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa — Music critic Sophie McKennitt brutally lambasted her mother’s cooking during a recent visit home, according to stunned cousins.

“As a child who knew no better, I found my mother’s cooking to be adequate,” said McKennitt while downing kimchi in an effort to cleanse her palate. “It was utilitarian and bland, but served its purpose. However, after I moved out and got to experience all that global food culture had to offer, I was able to see my mom’s cooking for the tedious swill it is. Last night she made tuna noodle casserole, which was utterly pedestrian and uninspired. This woman thinks paprika is too adventurous. Her cooking fails to provide even the barest minimum in terms of flavor while contributing nothing to the greater culinary conversation. Do better, mom.”

Mrs. McKennitt was blindsided by her daughter’s harsh critique, but took it in stride.

“I don’t know what Sophie is talking about,” she said while scooping American chop suey into stained Tupperware. “She used to love my cooking—but I guess she’s broadened her horizons since moving to the big city and getting a job at that fancy magazine. I admit that her father and I like to keep things simple. We’ve never even had sushi—that’s raw fish! I do have one question for Sophie, though: If my cooking is so offensive, why’d you ask for seconds? I’ll allow her to publicly proclaim that she’s above casserole, pork chops and meatloaf, but I know the truth. A clean plate doesn’t lie.”

Film critic Francis Arnold warns that people in this trade need to be careful not to allow their work to permeate their home life.

“In our profession, there’s a strong temptation to criticize anything and everything we experience,” said Arnold. “But I quickly learned that if I wanted to maintain relationships with friends and family, I better keep my mouth shut. My advice? If someone invites you to their concert or film screening or even cooks you dinner, your best bet is to react with vague praise, offer some platitudes and quickly get out of there. Later, you can shit all over them in a private text group with your colleagues.”

At press time, McKennitt had turned her critical eye upon her boyfriend’s new mustache, which she deemed a “pitiable, misguided stab at aspirational masculinity.”

The Next Oasis? My Pickleball Partner Just Beat the Shit Out of Me With His Racquet

By Sarah Cortina

Guys, I need to be honest. I’ve been in a creative slump, and nothing seems to be working. I’ve been studying the work of the greats, trying to emulate their careers. Trying to become one of them. I thought I was behaving like a true artist, but I just ended up being quote unquote “an alcoholic” and “a narcissist who makes shitty art.” Nothing’s been working. Until now. Until this moment of beautiful kismet, when my pickleball partner struck me with his racquet.

As he pummeled every inch of my body, I yelled back at him, “Come on, man, don’t look back in anger! Stop crying your heart out!” And then I realized that I missed what we had together all along. Not just an athletic partnership, but the potential for an artistic one. Him absolutely beating me with the pickleball racquet reminds me of a certain British band that starts with an O. One Direction. Then I remembered Oasis. I love Liam Gallagher! Like he was so good in “Shameless.”

I should have seen the similarities sooner. We never got along super well, but we kept rising to the top of the El Segundo, CA 35-44 y/o Amateur Pickleball tournament ranks. After he beat the shit out of me, we absolutely clobbered the team we faced next. Not as bad as he clobbered me, though. I lowkey need stitches. Hey, if he keeps the racquet, maybe it’ll fetch a pretty penny at auction one day.

I couldn’t let him have the final win, though. In return, I threw my ironically purchased tambourine at him, except he caught it and honestly, I liked the noise it made, so I hit record on GarageBand and just kept throwing it at him until he threatened to beat me again, but more importantly, quit the pickleball league.

At the end of the day, we’re kind of brothers in a way. Like eskimo brothers. And by that I mean we fucked the same girl and he found out. That girl being his wife. Which might have been why he beat the shit out of me. Am I a terrible friend and pickleball partner? Definitely maybe!

Libertarian Teen Enjoys Freedom From Friendships

By Ryan Darrah

ORLAND PARK, Ill. — Local 17-year-old Nick Stultus espoused his libertarian philosophies in every social interaction, even if doing so prevented him from being invited to parties, having a girlfriend or finding a single peer who enjoys his company, according to sources who listened.

“My advanced reasoning skills allow me to recognize how the demands that enslave lesser beings who are shackled by friendships would limit my personal sovereignty,” Stutlus said. “So many people wrongly assume I’d like to waste my weekends driving around, cracking jokes with buddies. But that’s because they’ve been brainwashed into believing coercive human connections and building community are more meaningful than dedicating your Friday and Saturday nights to scouring YouTube for old interviews of Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand.”

Classmate Emmett Merrick questioned Stultus’s self-assessment.

“People don’t avoid Nick because he’s a libertarian; they avoid him because he’s a relentlessly self-righteous asshole,” Merrick claimed. “Since middle school he’s berated me because my parents are public school teachers, making them, in his words, ‘Collectivist Commies.’ He also gets combative with some of the teachers at our high school about how ‘taxation is theft.’ He says their salaries make them accomplices in ‘fiscal crimes against humanity.’ And he never talks about decriminalizing drugs or women having freedom over their own bodies; if he was that kind of libertarian, he might earn some respect and have a friend or two. I think Nick just says he’s a libertarian to give an intellectual veneer to his racist, sexist and classist ignorance. He’s basically a libertarian poseur. He acts like he’s all about personal responsibility, but I bet his mom still makes his lunches.”

Roark Vander Kurt, a men’s rights attorney and author of “Saving the Lone Wolves: Boys In Crisis In Woke America,” sees Stultus as an extreme example of a troubling trend.

“I haven’t met Nick personally but his plight touches me deeply because he epitomizes how our culture victimizes young men whose idealism doesn’t fit the cookie-cutter parameters sanctioned by the American thought-police,“ Vander Kurt said. “Here’s a young man who is cruelly shunned when he should be respected, even celebrated, for his fierce advocacy of free markets, personal liberty and property rights. At least he doesn’t have all those friends getting in the way of him living his life.”

At press time, Vander Kurt blocked Stutlus on X after a DM exchange got testy when the lawyer rejected the young libertarian’s request to chaperone him to a Turning Point USA conference.

Tony Hawk Confirms He First Got into Skateboarding After Playing Countless Hours of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3

By Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Famed skateboarder Tony Hawk revealed that he really only got into skateboarding after playing countless hours of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3, confirmed sources still trying to wrap their heads around that concept.

“Yeah, I was an accountant who was super bored with my life when I first started playing THPS3 on my N64 and I just couldn’t put it down,” explained Hawk while spinning a skateboard on his index finger like a basketball. “Seeing what I was able to do in the game really inspired me to pick up a board for the first time in my life and just start skating. I figured if I could manual in the game for 20 minutes straight while doing multiple handstands, then hitting a 900 in real life should be no problem. I was right.”

Multiple skaters were confused after hearing about this revelation.

“I think it’s cool that Tony got into skateboarding thanks to THPS3 because that’s how I got into boarding too. Hey, wait a minute,” said skater Kelvin Grady. “No seriously, am I high right now because how does that make any sense? I don’t think I’m high because I haven’t smoked anything in over 20 minutes and I should have come down a little by now. How the hell did they come out with multiple Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater games before Tony Hawk even got into skateboarding? Is Tony Hawk just a character that was created for the games or did Neversoft create the human as some sort of marketing campaign for the game? No, that can’t be because the actual Tony Hawk is featured on the original box art for the games. This must be my last concussion acting up because what the hell?”

Long-haired theoretical physicist Michio Kaku chimed in to explain what’s going on as he will show up anywhere to explain stuff when asked.

“Have you ever wondered why so many people don’t recognize Tony Hawk when they see him in public?” asked Kaku. “It’s because Tony Hawk both simultaneously exists and doesn’t exist. He lies in a perfect superposition as defined by the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in which the person known as Tony Hawk has always been but has also never been. This all started of course during an event known as the ‘Mountain Dew Baja Blast’ which was an event similar to the big bang in which both ska and skateboarding entered the mortal realm for the first time. Quite fascinating indeed.”

At press time, it was also confirmed that the members of Goldfinger first got into ska punk after listening to themselves performing “Superman” during their playthrough of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater.

Johnny Cage Resorts To Hosting Alt-Right Podcast After String of Box Office Bombs

BY Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Actor/fighter Jonathan “Johnny Cage” Carlton decided to try his luck with alt-right podcasting following a series of critical and financial failures at the box office, sources report.

“After ‘Cage Match’ lost money, it was time to make a change or go broke,” Cage noted. “Luckily, I knew I could just learn from Kevin Sorbo and say my career woes are because of Hollywood discriminating against Republicans. I’ve since started the ‘Awake, NOT Woke’ podcast, and I’m making more money just going on weekly rants on whatever subject Fox News has boomers angry about at the time I’m recording. I’d rather be acting, but I need to be realistic about funding my lavish lifestyle. These $500 sunglasses aren’t going to buy themselves.”

God of Thunder Raiden reacted to his friend’s decision.

“I can’t believe this is the same Johnny Cage that defeated Goro and helped defend Earthrealm from the Outworld Emperor,” Raiden lamented. “I checked out his podcast, and he and his guest Ted Cruz were whining about some trans kid in Georgia who wanted to play high school volleyball, as if that is something either of them should give a shit about. I’m just going to have to remember him as the guy who sliced the top of Scorpion’s head off with a flaming shield, not the guy who’s currently complaining about how the ‘feminization of America’ is the reason nobody wants to watch his movies anymore.”

Video game sociologist Rebecca Dawes weighed in on the situation.

“Alt-right politics is often seen as an escape chute of sorts for struggling actors,” Dawes mentioned. “The same also applies to video games. For example, Dracula briefly became a conservative political writer after Castlevania 64, and Leon Kennedy famously lobbied against the creation of a T-Virus vaccine to draw attention to himself after Resident Evil Re:Verse. Unfortunately, because of the hellscape we all now inhabit, this is seen as a lucrative career pivot. He’s going to make millions from it.”

At press time, Cage was being criticized by his right-wing contemporaries for saying Donald Trump shouldn’t run for a third term.