Hard Digest August 12: Trump, Early Access AIPAC, Bullies, Aging Bands, and More

Trump Calls in National Guard to Get Washington Under Control After Watching YouTube Video of January 6th

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.

“This once great city that was built on the world’s most beautiful swamp is being destroyed by a horde of bearded, tubby, radical left lunatics with ill-fitting pants. Just today I watched news footage of the gorgeous Capitol Building being destroyed by these Antifa thugs sent from New York by Mamdani, who we are going to deport by the way. No way that guy is staying here, he’s gone,” said Trump from his underground bunker. “That is why today I’m calling up the National Guard to come in and restore order. Everyone in the National Guard has been begging me to let them loose, they call me up they say ‘Mr. Trump, Biden ruined this city, it’s a mess. Dogs are peeing on trees, I saw someone littering, please let us beat people up.’ Attorney General Pam Bondi, she’s great isn’t she folks? And look at those legs, they go all the way up to heaven and beyond, and she’s got a brain to match, she’s going to lead the crack down and we know she’s going to do a great job.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt explained more of the President’s logic.

“Mainstream media outlets are reporting that crime is down in the city, and that might be true statistically, but you have to remember that in 2021 there were hundreds of crimes on one single day and that is going to skew the numbers. So if you throw out the January stats, and then throw out all the other stats from the past 10 years, and then go by the numbers we just made up, you can clearly see crime is out of control,” said Leavitt. “The President says this is just a temporary measure, and once every citizen of this city agress to comply with everything the President wants then we can return to normalcy. But we just want to make it clear that any protesting, filming of police, or even if you look at a cop funny, will result in you being sent to a black site with no due process.”

Historians across the country are sending up warning signs about Trump’s actions.

“Oh yeah this is fucking bad. We’ve seen this so many times in banana republics across the globe. It’s only a matter of time before they round up me and my colleagues and summarily execute us for spreading knowledge,” said Stanford History Professor Edward Calder. “I don’t think I’ll be sticking around here. I’ve saved up some money, I’m going to buy a shack in the northern woods of Norway and try to live out the rest of my days in peace. I wish all the other Americans the best of luck, but you’re fucked.”

At press time, Congressional Democrats are deciding to fight back by doubling the amount of fundraising emails they send to constituents.

Top Contenders for 2028 Democrat Presidential Nomination Down to John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, Says New AIPAC Poll

By Matthew Quinn Martin

WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and Josh Shapiro, confirmed sources.

“I’d call the entire situation an embarrassment,” said AIPAC spokeswoman Herzliya-Hadasha. “An embarrassment of riches! But seriously, folks. On one hand you’ve got the kind of slide-rule in a suit policy wonk that makes the average blue dog’s calves cramp. That’ll play well with the suburban soccer grandmoms. And on the other, an alpha male, whose appearance makes you wonder if you accidentally switched from CSPAN to WWE RAW. Either would be a fantastic choice. Provided neither end up appearing on the Epstein list. Which is totally not a thing, by the way. And I’m not sure why people are even talking about it.”

Fetterman seemed ready to do whatever it takes to fight for Israel.

“I’m a progressive who gets things done,” said Fetterman, dressed like he just came off his shift at Auto Zone and debuting his soon-to-be iconic “Make Jordan Israel Again” ball cap. “And those things include codification of trans rights here in Pennsylvania, making sure access to abortion will always be available in the commonwealth, sensible steps towards the legalization of recreational marijuana, and an unwavering commitment to supporting Israel’s right to do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, to whomever it wants––be it Hamas resistance fighters, innocent civilians, aid workers, hospitals, refugee camps, the Freedom Flotilla, that annoying Swedish chick, or children…countless, countless children. And to do it with zero consequences, sanctions, boycotts, criticism, or anything else.”

Meanwhile, Shapiro, often viewed as the more practically minded of the two, has taken what many are calling a more nuanced approach.

“We can all agree that only a person with a heart of stone would turn a blind eye to the images we are all now forced to confront of the brutal subjugation and now literal starvation of the population of Gaza,” said the Governor. “And this is why we need to stop fighting each other, reach across the aisle, and do whatever it takes to fight the real enemies: Campus protestors. We need to adopt an appropriate battle-minded outlook. And we can do this by ensuring that our students feel safe from the threat of free speech on campus. By answering every question with ‘but do you condemn Hamas?’ And, most importantly, by stopping Zohran Mamdani from becoming the next mayor of New York City.”

When prompted about a potential “one state solution,” both candidates full-throatedly voiced their support for a land where everyone, whether they drink pop or soda, say youse or yinz, or get their hoagies at Sheetz or Wawa, can live together in peace and harmony.

Help! I’m Being Bullied by the Families of My Victims

By Doug Kolic

Bullying’s an epidemic that’s poisoning society. Take it from someone who has, unfortunately, been a victim of this reprehensible behavior. Let me be clear — nobody deserves to be bullied, ever. Especially for trivial things like how you dress, or what music you listen to, or even if the Agreed Statement of Facts you signed states that you defrauded a bunch of seniors out of everything they owned, and now their families want your head on a stick.

I’ve been targeted for months by a bunch of tormentors who’ve left me unkind voicemails and downright rotten social media posts, claiming my business endeavors have caused them undue pain and suffering. These claims are… whatever, but that still doesn’t give them the right to harass me just because I tried to help their vulnerable relatives get in on the ground floor of a sure-fire pyramid opportunity. It’s not my fault they ran out of cash before they could carry the ball over the goal line. Talk about toxic!

There’s simply no justice in this world. When they hauled me into that kangaroo court, their lawyers spent more time demonizing me than they did thanking me for trying to help a bunch of geezers achieve financial freedom. Now, I can barely enjoy myself on the lake in my new Yamaha SX190 powerboat that I bought after convincing some of them to let me invest their savings into a few guaranteed crypto pump-and-dumps, knowing the mean things they’re saying about me. It’s no wonder I turned to drugs in order to cope, and because I can afford, like, all of the drugs now.

Sure, I was already deep into the booger sugar before all this, but that was in a more fun, carefree way, not a still-really-fun-but-now-people-are-calling-me-out-and-I-don’t-like-it kind of way. With having my good name dragged through the mud, how the heck am I supposed to introduce new clients to my exciting, once-in-a-lifetime, too-good-to-be-true, multi-level marketing schemes?

Life is all about learning lessons. That’s why I’ve decided to pack up and leave this place, with the intent to grow as a person with a new outlook, a new attitude, and of course, a new alias that I can use somewhere in a new town where the fraud laws aren’t so problematic.

Aging Rock Band Enters Their Touring with a Full Orchestra Phase

By Mike Maher

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Veteran rock mainstays Ironsides officially entered the phase of their career where they tour with an orchestra, unenthused sources who hoped this day would never come confirmed.

“For years we just played the same exact setlist every night,” Ironsides singer Gary Mann said while rippin’ a Zyn. “But now we’ve totally switched things up and play the same exact setlist every night with a 100-piece orchestra! The response so far has been super responsive. Honestly, I didn’t know a lick of classical music until this tour, and man, these cats can jam! They got violins. Harps. Pan flutes. Some big honkin’ horns. You haven’t heard our classic ‘Wet Humpin’’ until you’ve heard it with a gong solo. This is some classy shit. That’s why tickets start at $300. And it’s a black-tie event. In fact, a black tie is literally all I wear on stage. There’s also intermission. And cheese.”

Klaus Hasselhoff, conductor with the Jacksonville Philharmonic, detailed how the unlikely collaboration came to fruition.

“I have never listened to Ironsides,” Hasselhoff admitted. “I don’t even listen to Ironsides when we perform. I listen to audiobook in my earbud, and just wave my baton as the orchestra plays whatever they feel like. No one notices. All these cretin fans want are tits and riffs. They are simple and unschooled. Musically, it is a disaster. Sexually, it is a revelation. Do you know how much…how do you say it in American…bomb-ass pussy I’ve gotten on this tour? And blow?! It almost make this whole thing worth the career suicide.”

Freelance music preservationist Niles Pridgen offered a biased yet bullseye take on the trend of rock bands touring with orchestras.

”No one asked for this. Not rock fans, not classical fans,” Pridgen said. “I’d say this is just a cash grab but judging from the low ticket sales, bloated production budget, and the fact that Ironsides and the Jack-Phil are sharing one U-Haul together, this is an absolute financial fuckshow and a cautionary tale of what not to do with musical instruments. I’d honestly rather listen to hick-hop or that Lou Reed Metallica album than this cock opera.”

At press time, Ironsides fired the orchestra and pawned all their gear to recoup financial losses, but continued the tour performing acapella versions of their songs.

Galactus Discreetly Spits Into a Napkin After Taking Bite of Earth

BY Kate Danvers

NEW YORK — Devastation came in the form of an enormous man in a goofy helmet Tuesday afternoon as Galactus, Devourer of Worlds took what he called a ‘tiny nibble’ out of the northern hemisphere of the planet, before spitting into his napkin. 

“My gastroenterologist advised me to take smaller bites because consuming the energy of an entire planet at once was wreaking havoc on my bowels,” said the powerful purple planet-eater. “And it’s a good thing I did, because the taste was rancid. The flavor profile was confusingly both sour and bland. Absolutely dreadful. I hoped no one would notice me spit it out.”

The gigantic entity towering over the planet did not go unnoticed, however, as eyewitnesses across four continents saw the cosmic being make a stank face. Harold Gallagher of Queens watched the entire event unfold. 

“Giant fuck-off cosmic being takes a bite outta everything south of Philly and just spits it out? The Earth ain’t good enough for you?” Gallagher said, seemingly unbothered by the cataclysmic event, “Next time he oughta come to New York for a slice or for some Italian food. Won’t spit that into his dainty little napkin.” 

Some observers wondered why Galactus chose to bit that specific part of the globe, which once contained much of Delaware, Virginia, Maryland, and North Carolina. Doctor Reed Richards, founder of the Fantastic Four and foremost expert on Galactus explained. 

“The only way to divert Galactus away from Earth was to trick him into eating the least palatable part,” Richards explained. “Unfortunately, the size of the bite was still larger than expected. My heart aches for the innocents lost, but their sacrifice has saved our planet.” 

At press time, the President could not be reached for a comment on Doctor Richards’ unilateral decision, as the ruins of the White House now reside within the colossal napkin in Earth’s orbit.